When People Pleasing Please Everyone but You
Have you noticed how prevalent “people pleasing” is? Lately, it has been popping up in conversations everywhere – with clients, friends, and in my own internal narrative. For example, not long ago, I did some mental gymnastics when a potential client and I were not aligned on pricing. (Should I just say no? How can I just say no? How can I preserve the relationship? Blah, blah, blah.) Or, consider a friend who recently shared an anecdote in which I observed that she couched her comments when she would have been better served to be more direct. Me being me, (and with a lot of trust equity in the relationship) I couldn’t help myself. Me: “I’m wondering if in an effort to not offend people, you inadvertently end up making your own life more difficult and possibly confusing others in the process.” Friend: “Yes! That is totally true.” My friend is not alone in this. There have been many times I have tried to soften my communication when I was afraid of how someone might respond. Would I upset them? Would they disagree with me? Etc. Many clients have shared similar lines of thinking. How about you? Does this resonate? While there is nothing wrong with nuancing language, too much fluff (or over-explaining*) obscures the point you’re trying to make. It can also confuse your audience. As a result, there’s a domino effect that might look something like this: In other cases, maybe your communication was clear, and you’ve simply ignored your own needs and priorities and ceded your agency to accommodate someone else’s needs, wants, and desires. They walk away happy and you walk away frustrated, irritated, resentful, or ticked off for not speaking up for yourself. As with most things in life, I do think there’s a balance. Some scenarios call for us to yield to another and are better for it. Other times, we need to put our own needs first. If your practice is routinely to put others’ needs ahead of your own, and not self-advocate, that’s a quick path to burnout. And if you’re burned out (burnt out?) you are no good to yourself or anyone else (says she, Queen of the Obvious.) So, how can you get out of people-pleasing? The first step is to pause. Take a beat, even if it’s only a minute or two. Then, ask yourself the following questions before you say “Yes.” to someone: If you can answer “Yes.” to any of these questions, you may want to explore how and where people-pleasing is showing up for you and the impact it has on your life.
How a Kitchen Reno Reminded Me of Why We Need to Ask for Help
A while ago, I spent time working alongside my husband and his cousin demolishing a kitchen, built circa 1970. Getting dirty may be fun for some, not so much for me. And I’m not particularly handy, but this felt like a good time to step up and be a team player (also not a strong suit…) 🙂 So, I pulled nails (many, many, nails!), drilled (very few) screws into 2 x 4’s, and ripped out a little trim board. And I swept and shop-vacced – a lot. All of which left plenty of time for contemplation (it’s hard to listen to music or audiobooks with power tools as a backdrop.) Four insights came to mind. So what’s the difference between this scenario and the workplace? Apparently, not much (though with a lot less perceived risk and stress on my part.) When you’re surrounded by colleagues and you’re being paid to know what you’re doing, it feels a lot more daunting to ask for help. (And, ok yes, in some instances or environments, it may be career suicide, but mostly it’s not.) Even if admitting you need support isn’t career-ending, I suspect the majority of us are ill at ease when we’re not adept at something. Pride and ego are frequent obstacles to sharing our humanness and vulnerability with another. Most of us would much rather try to figure things out on our own and suffer in silence before asking for help. Here’s the thing. If we never step out of our comfort zone and practice new skills and behavior, the likelihood of getting better is, well, nil. Zip. Zero. Zilch. And if you don’t know how to do something, one of the best ways to learn is to have someone else show you or offer advice. ➡️ Your call to action is simple. Ask for help when you need it. Here are a couple of scripts to help you out. Yes, it really can be that simple. You don’t need to wait until you’re stuck, confused, overwhelmed, spinning your wheels, or otherwise hampered at work to ask for assistance. (See above!) And, if you need more support than that, you could always consider finding a mentor, or a coach. 🙂 (Oh, come on. You knew I was going to put that in there, didn’t you?) At some point, it’s useful to pause and reflect on what you gained as a result of enlisting others to support you. A few questions for self-discovery include: Discomfort is temporary. Pushing through it leads to lasting change. Proof that I was there – I even have safety goggles!
Why Predicting Alone Isn’t a Real Strategy
“I wasn’t sleeping well leading up to the meeting because I was so nervous anticipating how he would respond.” This sentiment was expressed by a client in a group I was facilitating. It was reinforced with lots of head nodding by others. We were discussing how to present actionable information to the CEO. Bottom line, people were afraid to share information the CEO might not like or agree with. The stress was a result of people feeling they had to anticipate all the questions that might be asked in the meeting, and then have all the answers. Here’s the thing – in any situation, none of us are going to be able to predict 100% what someone else is going to think/say/do. I’m going out on a limb here to say, it’s just not humanly possible. Take an interview, for example. Sure, we may have ideas as to the types of questions we’ll be asked, and know that we’ll need to speak to our experiences and accomplishments. We are not going to be able to divine the exact questions in advance. Ain’t gonna happen. So, back to the CEO scenario. This type of situation comes up regularly in coaching discussions. People are stressed out about presenting to a board, delivering poor performance reviews and everything in between. When I ask what success looks like in those conversations, the answers are almost always statements such as: Do you see the challenge with those barometers? They are all focused on the person or people receiving the information. Really this is about external validation. It suggests that the way for you to feel good about yourself is based on someone else’s response. This is a fool’s errand. And at the end of the day, we have zero control over other people and what they think/say/do. A better barometer is to focus on internal validation. That is a gift you give to yourself. Receiving praise and being well thought of feels good. And it is also good for your leadership brand, so I’m not suggesting you dismiss it out of hand. What I am suggesting, however, is that taking action aligned with your values and vision of leadership is more important than accolades from others. Even if the outcome is not what you hoped for. Taking action in service of yourself and your goals is more important than someone else’s response. This is how we grow. And because I love a good caveat… I’m not proposing that you ditch the meeting prep. It’s helpful to consider your audience, anticipate their vantage point and needs, and reflect on how you want to show up. I am advocating for you to reevaluate what success looks like in any given situation and how you’re going to measure it. If your only criteria for success lies solely in the hands of someone else’s response or opinion of you, it might be time to rethink.
3 Things Skiing Can Teach Us About Leadership
Are you a skier? Ever strapped on a pair of skis and felt the rush of wind against your face as you carve your way down a mountain? If so, you might recognize these leadership lessons. If not, you’ll learn a bit about skiing. Read on! The Right Equipment Matters 🎿 Picture this: you’re at the top of the mountain, ready to conquer the world (or at least the run ahead). But without the right equipment, you’re basically setting yourself up for a wipeout before you even start. Boots, skis, bindings, weather-appropriate clothing all require some forethought. The same goes for leadership. You wouldn’t hit the slopes without the right gear, so why tackle the challenges of leadership without the proper tools? If the only tool in your leadership toolbox is a hammer, everything starts to look like a nail. Yet the hammer may not be the best tool for every situation. Whether it’s fine tuning your communication skills, increasing your personal presence, or building out your network, having the right resources at your disposal sets you up for success from the onset.. The Right Form Can Be Counterintuitive 🤔 Mountain conditions are ever-changing. You could be gliding through fluffy powder one minute to sitting on your tuchas* the next after catching an edge on ice. Skiing is a constant adjustment of your stance, your speed, and sometimes your mindset (like when the guys take you down a trail that has you wishing for a priest to take you through your last rites…) When things get dicey, you want to be leaning forward over your ski tips because it gives you more control. When you’re learning to ski, however, this seems like a scary and stupid idea. Intuition will tell you to sit back, which is pretty much a guarantee you’ll fall on your tuchas.* Leadership’s no different. You’re constantly navigating through shifting landscapes – market trends, team dynamics, re-orgs, and the like.. Just like adjusting your stance to suit the terrain, being an agile leader means adapting your approach based on the circumstances, even if sometimes they may feel counterintuitive. . There’s No One “Right” Way to Lead On any mountain, there are multiple trails that will get you down to the bottom. There’s no such thing as the perfect trail. Likewise, there are countless ways to lead effectively. The key is finding what works for you and your team, and staying true to your own unique, authentic self. So whether you’re charging down the slopes or navigating the complexities of leadership, remember: there’s no one-size-fits-all approach. Embrace your strengths, lean into your style, and lead with confidence. So there you have it, folks – leadership lessons straight from the slopes. Now go forth and lead like you mean it!
Recruiting is Not a One and Done
Over the last few years, all kinds of new jargon have entered into our vernacular. Take, for instance, The Great Resignation, Presenteeism, Quiet Quitting, Quiet Hiring, Quiet Firing, Quiet Promoting, and most recently, The Big Stay. In most cases, these are catchy monikers for employee practices that have always existed in one fashion or another. The titles perhaps capture more attention in the minds and hearts of managers and leaders. They certainly make for sexier headlines. Regardless of what you decide to call the trends, we know that turnover is a thing, and the point is, you need to keep re-recruiting your team. According to Mercer, overall turnover dropped from 24.7% in 2022 to 17.3% between 2022-2023. That’s the good news (hence, “The Big Stay”). But research by Job Seeker Nation, indicates that 30% of new hires quit within 90 days. Remember last week when we talked about leadership being a contact sport? Here’s a perfect example of when you need to get in the game vs. stand around on the sidelines. For example, I used to support a service center. Internal data indicated that turnover typically happened once an employee hit 18 – 24 months. While it’s always important, this reflected a critical time for managers to know what was going on with their teams. Who needed support? Who wasn’t being challenged enough? Who was showing a different pattern of behavior that might indicate a flight risk? That window, however, seems to be shrinking. According to recent research conducted by my friend and colleague, Shuba Gopal, the turnover period has constricted to 12 – 18 months. Further, a study by McKinsey indicates that 25% of those who left the “traditional” workforce and then returned, are likely to pursue a new position after just 3-6 months. One of the biggest reasons? Lack of career development. It’s not uncommon for managers, even the best-intentioned of them, to dismiss the need for one-to-one meetings or routinely not make the time for them. Yet this is a great way to not only offer your team support, but also to keep a pulse on where peoples’ heads are at. You can re-engage employees by checking in, openly discussing points of frustration, or offering opportunities for skill development. While it’s not a panacea, re-recruiting people and reminding them of why they joined the company in the first place, gives you a chance to fix what is fixable and ultimately reduce turnover. If you’re not sure where to start, here’s a simple exercise that may help you. Imagine that an employee gives you their notice. What is your reaction to this news? Your response above should help guide the type of conversation you may need to have with different people on your team now. Don’t wait for them to give their notice. For example if your response was a) above, your action is a) below. And so forth.: What do you do to re-recruit your team *Please be specific. People like to hear they “do a great job” but it’s not particularly helpful to them in understanding how they are contributing to the organization. Focus your comments on behaviors and the things you’d like to continue to see – their skill at working with irate clients, their track record developing their team, their deftness at navigating complex and challenging negotiations, etc.
Leadership is a Contact Sport
Knowing your audience and adjusting your communication accordingly, is not a novel idea. It’s just one that we may not think about in the “sprint” that is known as the workday until after the fact when things aren’t clear.
When you know your audience, you know how to adapt and plan accordingly to maximize productivity and efficiency.
3 Strategies to Balance Your Leadership
What’s your take on work/life balance? I’m not convinced that true balance exists in the sense that we give equal time to each. Work or personal priorities constantly shift and at any point in time (say, presentations to boards, important sales pitches, college visits, etc.) one will require more attention than the other. Balance, therefore (to me), is about finding a way to not focus solely on one, at the exclusion of the other. This seems to be a point of struggle for many leaders I talk to. How about you? Balance is obviously going to look different for everyone and the reality is that it’s not achievable all the time. But I suspect it’s achievable more often than most people think. Let’s look at a case study… I worked with one client who was struggling to manage a constant barrage of last minute requests. She was so afraid to let anyone down that she said “Yes.” to everyone, regardless of the timing or personal impact. (I probably don’t need to spell this out for you but in case you’re exhausted from a fun-filled or work induced weekend, or you haven’t had your morning coffee yet, I will.) She often missed family time because she was working evenings, or gave up her weekend hobbies to get all the work done. The long hours left her exhausted. And because she wasn’t giving her brain or body a rest, she often had pent up frustration and resentment. This in turn, impacted her motivation and interpersonal relationships. As a highly driven individual, all of this was upsetting to her. Through coaching, she realized that much more of this was in her control than she had realized. Here are strategies she employed to reclaim her time and sanity: The results were quick and dramatic. Most notably… My client is not an anomaly. While this depicts the experience of one, it is representative of many. There are a multitude of reasons why people lack balance. And that’s the shortlist. Here’s the rub: When we don’t do enough to help others, we risk losing our humanity. When we do too much, we risk giving away our serenity. Balance is a fine line we all need to find for ourselves. If you haven’t found it yet, perhaps today is a good day to start looking? And if you get stuck, consider scheduling time with me to talk about coaching. 🙂
Leadership Lessons From My Ticketmaster Fiasco
What Ticketmaster can teach us about (poor) leadership (and what to do instead).
Why Watching for Signals is Important for Leaders
I spent a few days hanging out with 17 very smart and accomplished people in the woods of Omaha to talk about the future of work. The conversation centered around “signals” we think will have an impact on the future of work. It was refreshing and energizing to partner with people from different backgrounds, disciplines, and perspectives and hash through possibilities – both positive and maybe not-so-positive. A signal, as described by Marina Gorbis, is “… anything that makes you want to dig in and say: “Why? What is causing this situation?” The aggregate list of the signals we discussed covered a wide range of topics – climate change, polarization, politics, declining populations, teacher shortages, biomedical advances, and of course, AI. We didn’t come to any sound conclusions. (Odd as it sounds, and frustrating as it is for some – ahem, me – arriving at outcomes is not the intended point of the exercise.) What we did do was think about both the certainty of and potential impact of our top agreed-upon topics. The task was a brain twister for sure. It was a stretch to think about how any of these topics may shift and shape our lives over the next 10 years. Yet, there is value in going through an exercise in which you consider how current trends will play out in the future. As Marina says: “Ideally, people in organizations will think about signals and get together to share their observations. I call this sensing. To be a sensing organization, staff need to create some means, formal or informal, of aggregating these signals and working to interpret them. This will allow feedback and direction on what to do next.” There is no one ‘right’ way to do this. The point is to convene with others, get outside your comfort zone, engage in dialogue, you may not normally, and think about possibilities. For instance, “What does the increasing lack of privacy, resurrection of unions, declining college enrollments, increase in homeschooling, or any other trends mean for the future?” And, maybe more importantly, based on your discussions, what do you feel compelled to do about it? You may or may not land on a definitive answer or course of action. But you will probably stretch your thinking, enhance relationships, break down siloes, and be intellectually stimulated. Give it a shot and let me know what you think. If you’re interested in learning more, Marina Gorbis talks about signals and four other principles to think like a futurist in this article.
Why Great Leaders Embrace Practicing
As I was wrapping up for the day, I heard a knock on the front door. I assumed it was my neighbor returning something. Almost immediately came another knock and then another. “OK, not my elderly neighbor,” I thought. He wouldn’t knock so impatiently. Upon opening the door, I find two tow-headed six-year-olds and a tow-headed four-year-old. It was the neighbors’ kids—Halloween buckets in hand. Ryder: “Do you have any candy?” Me: “You guys know it’s not Halloween yet, right?” Wyatt: “Yeah, but we’re going trick or treating without our parents this year, so we’re practicing.” (The conversation ensued from there, with Jack, four years old, piping in with, “Yeah, we’re going without our parents this year.” To which the older boys responded, “You’re too young to go without parents.” This did not go over well with Jack, but I digress…) My predominant thought was, “What a great leadership lesson.” I’m not sure about you, but I don’t love not being good at something. Because (you’ve heard me say this before) “OMG, what will people think?” But these kids were shameless. They were proud of themselves for getting out and practicing their door-knocking skills. It didn’t occur to them to not practice something as important as trick or treating. When was the last time you saw that in a corporate environment? Whether trick or treating without parental supervision, building presentation skills, or learning to lead others, etc., there’s no shame in being new at something and spending time practicing. If you need more motivation to not be perfect at something, check out this post. By nature of its definition, “practice” implies that we’re learning. What areas in your career or personal life could benefit from unashamed practice?