Have you noticed how prevalent “people pleasing” is?
Lately, it has been popping up in conversations everywhere – with clients, friends, and in my own internal narrative.
For example, not long ago, I did some mental gymnastics when a potential client and I were not aligned on pricing. (Should I just say no? How can I just say no? How can I preserve the relationship? Blah, blah, blah.)
Or, consider a friend who recently shared an anecdote in which I observed that she couched her comments when she would have been better served to be more direct.
Me being me, (and with a lot of trust equity in the relationship) I couldn’t help myself.
Me: “I’m wondering if in an effort to not offend people, you inadvertently end up making your own life more difficult and possibly confusing others in the process.”
Friend: “Yes! That is totally true.”
My friend is not alone in this.
There have been many times I have tried to soften my communication when I was afraid of how someone might respond. Would I upset them? Would they disagree with me? Etc.
Many clients have shared similar lines of thinking. How about you? Does this resonate?
While there is nothing wrong with nuancing language, too much fluff (or over-explaining*) obscures the point you’re trying to make. It can also confuse your audience.
As a result, there’s a domino effect that might look something like this:
- Situations that require a decision or action become protracted and aren’t resolved
- Parties may have different ideas about the resolution that was discussed
- People may be unsure of what your expectations are of them
- People may be unsure of what they should expect from you
- Trust can become eroded
- You exert too much energy and brain power revisiting situations that have not been truly resolved
In other cases, maybe your communication was clear, and you’ve simply ignored your own needs and priorities and ceded your agency to accommodate someone else’s needs, wants, and desires. They walk away happy and you walk away frustrated, irritated, resentful, or ticked off for not speaking up for yourself.
As with most things in life, I do think there’s a balance. Some scenarios call for us to yield to another and are better for it.
Other times, we need to put our own needs first.
If your practice is routinely to put others’ needs ahead of your own, and not self-advocate, that’s a quick path to burnout. And if you’re burned out (burnt out?) you are no good to yourself or anyone else (says she, Queen of the Obvious.)
So, how can you get out of people-pleasing? The first step is to pause. Take a beat, even if it’s only a minute or two. Then, ask yourself the following questions before you say “Yes.” to someone:
- Are you doing something for someone they could (and possibly should) be doing for themselves?
- Are you agreeing to something solely because it gives you a feeling of worth or validation?
- Are you doing things for others at your own expense, (e.g. taking on work for a direct report which requires you to work late, get less sleep, etc.)
- Are you agreeing to someone else’s needs because you are afraid of being rejected or disliked?
- Do you have an underlying, unstated expectation of quid pro quo when you agree to help someone?
- Are you foregoing your basic needs because you are so busy helping others?
- Are you afraid of what someone will respond or what they will say about you if you don’t agree to their request?
If you can answer “Yes.” to any of these questions, you may want to explore how and where people-pleasing is showing up for you and the impact it has on your life.
