How to Move Through What’s Holding You Back
Have you ever noticed how the more you dread something, the bigger it becomes? I was coaching a client recently—let’s call her Keisha. She’s sharp, thoughtful, articulate, and a very strong practitioner. And yet, there’s one recurring meeting that turns her into a deer in headlights. Every time she’s on the agenda, she freezes. She can’t find her words and feels anxiety take hold of her body. Then she beats herself up, ruminates about what could have been different, and tells herself she “should” be past this already. She’s not alone. This has been showing up a lot in coaching conversations lately. One client struggles to advocate for himself. Another avoids hard conversations. The situations are different, but the outcomes are similar: judgment, self-recrimination, harsh self-talk. They all think the problem is the behavior – freezing, avoidance, not speaking up. But the real problem is the fight with the behavior. The belief that “This shouldn’t be happening.” Or “Why am I still dealing with this?” Because… what you resist, persists. What we focus on grows. The things you try to push out of your brain stick around, grow bigger, and command more of your attention. The more we wrestle with something, like fear, self-doubt, or social awkwardness, the tighter its grip becomes. When we uncovered this, Keisha opted for a new strategy. Instead of trying to fix it or push through, she started to recognize it in the moment, label it for what it was, and accept it. Instead of pushing it away. You know what? When she got curious about it, it loosened its hold. The same can be true for you. If you can meet the moment with self-awareness and compassion, instead of shame and control, it softens and loses its power. And sometimes, the thing we’re resisting isn’t even the experience but what the experience reflects back to us. A part of ourselves we don’t like. A fear we thought we’d conquered. An old story we thought for sure we’d outgrown. Those parts of you don’t go away just because you ignore them. They stick around until you’re willing to pop the hood and look inside. So if you’re stuck in a similar and frustrating loop, pause and ask yourself: What’s actually holding me back?You might find it’s not the behavior, it’s your resistance to it. A lifetime ago, a therapist told me, “You can’t go around it. You have to go through it.” Well, damn if that wasn’t the answer I didn’t want to hear. And yet… It was true back then. And it’s still true today.
Why Managing Your Mindset is Strategic
A quick story for you. Pete* had just come out of a tense meeting with senior stakeholders, and he was frustrated, to put it mildly. He came to our session fired up and ready to “set the record straight.” He felt like people were second-guessing him and didn’t trust his judgment, and his first instinct was to go on the defensive. But as we talked, something became apparent. It wasn’t the feedback that was getting in his way. It was the story he was telling himself about what the feedback meant. In his mind, Pete had created a narrative that said: He realized he was reacting to the story he had created in his head, not the facts of the situation (e.g., was the data he presented accurate, how did the strategy impact other areas of the business, etc.) With that insight, his energy shifted. His strategy didn’t change. But the story he was telling himself did, which changed his mindset and how he showed up in the conversation. This is what I mean when I say mindset isn’t fluff. It’s a strategic aspect of your leadership. Because the mindset you bring to a situation shapes: When your mindset is in check, it allows you to lead more effectively, and from a place of strength, vs. anger, resentment, fear, etc. It changes outcomes and saves you from potential self-sabotage and burnout. Win-win! Mindset work isn’t a “soft skill”. It’s not a “nice to have.” And it’s definitely not a new-age, woo-woo leadership hack. It’s a core leadership skill. In fact, research suggests that leaders with a positive mindset see higher levels of performance and better decision-making abilities, among other things (Gottfred & Reina, 2021.) If you need to check your mindset: That’s what Pete did, and he walked into the next meeting with a lot more clarity and a lot less spiciness. That’s mindset. And it’s worth getting fluent in. *Not his real name.
Why Purpose-Driven Hustle Beats Pressure-Fueled Burnout
Have you noticed how “hustle culture” has worked its way into our vernacular in the last many years? Originally, hustle culture took root in Silicon Valley when working 24/7 to secure funding was the M.O. for many start-ups. There was a “ride or die” mentality to working 24/7. In the years that followed, we’ve adopted the mindset that hustling (read: overworking) is the way to get ahead. (It’s not.) Which is why hustle culture gets a bad rap. This is legitimate when the hustle is fueled by fear, scarcity, or the need to prove something (it can also be a fast track to burnout.) Today, hustle culture has expanded its purview to include “side hustles,” with 1 in 4 Americans saying they have one, according to 2024 research by Bankrate. Additionally, half of millennials and more than half of Gen Zers had a side hustle. Of all people with a side hustle, 41% said they needed it to meet their monthly discretionary expenses. But hustle in and of itself isn’t the problem. It’s the why behind the hustle we should look at, as well as how it shows up in our lives and leadership. I hustle daily. In fact, I operate better when I’m hustling. It’s energizing and focuses me, and I’m motivated by it. Yes, sometimes it’s messy, but it is (almost) always aligned with my goals. I’m not chasing my worth or trying to prove anything to anyone but myself. And the hustle is coming from a place of joy and abundance. For many, the reality of hustle looks a little different. They’re leading teams, managing complex and competing priorities, or navigating demanding systems. They’re working with fewer resources and more time constraints. Reprioritizing based on environmental factors (e.g. think tariffs here) and maybe juggling a long list of issues on the home front. Maybe this is true for you, too? While hustle isn’t always optional, it can be intentional. This is where Leadership Fluency™ comes in. This is about creating a personal foundation that grounds you and knowing yourself well enough to notice: You can hustle without losing yourself. But you need to be aware of the inner signals and deprioritize the outer noise. So the next time you feel the rush, ask yourself: And if those questions stir something uncomfortable in you, that’s great! That’s your self-awareness doing its job. You may be tempted to push back here and say, “But I don’t have a choice.” Even when things feel hard or uncertain, you’re not without choices. You always have the ability to choose your next step. The key is to trust yourself to decide what’s right for you. Lean into the work you’ve already done to build your infrastructure and foundation. It’s there to support you. If you feel like you don’t have the solid foundation you need, it’s not too late to start shoring it up. You would never knowingly build a skyscraper on a faulty foundation. So don’t do it for your leadership, either!
Why Social Comparison Hurts Your Leadership
Have you ever casually scrolled through LinkedIn and noticed a former colleague just got promoted or won an award? And without warning, your brain whispers that your own achievements are much less impressive? If your answer is yes, you are not alone! (And seriously, if your answer is “no” please tell the rest of us how you manage that!) Your brain is wired for social comparison. It’s how we determine our status and belonging. And it’s a core organizing principle of the brain. On a biological level, the brain treats social comparison as a threat, triggering a stress response and flooding your system with cortisol. Hello, anxiety, fear, or overwhelm! On a mental and emotional level, seeing others’ success may make us feel inadequate and reinforce feelings of not being “good enough.” Hence the phrase → Compare and despair! In addition to feeling crappy, comparison doesn’t just make us feel bad. It can prompt us to isolate ourselves from others. Instead of connecting, we pull back. And I don’t need to spell out the downside of withdrawing. (Gee, it’s so much fun being a human!) 😱 Here’s what to do instead: The goal isn’t to stop comparing altogether – that would be hard (see above, organizing principle of the brain). It’s to shift your focus back to you and recognize your own progress.
How to Make Your Work Visible and Build Influence
Picture this: your kid (or niece/nephew/neighbor’s kid) tells you they set up a lemonade stand to make some money. You look around, and there is not a lemon or a lemonade stand in sight. Upon inquiring, they tell you, “It’s in the basement.” 🤔 You likely see the folly in this setup. The kid could have the best lemonade this side of the Mississippi and is still not destined to make any money. Because the stand is IN THE BASEMENT. Who is going to see it there? Guess what? Leaders do this all the time, too. They unknowingly keep themselves hidden. For example, when I started my business, I was nervous about posting on LinkedIn (and later, starting this newsletter.) Creating content for others’ consumption made me feel incredibly vulnerable and exposed. So, for a long time, I just didn’t do it. I told myself I was “too busy” or “didn’t have a fully formed thought” and a host of other excuses. Really, it was just fear of being seen. Sound familiar? For you, it might look like staying quiet in meetings, keeping your opinions to yourself, or passing on opportunities to represent your company. Hello, McFly! People can’t support or engage with you if they don’t know you exist! You need to help people see your skills and sweet spots and understand how you can help them. If you’re concerned about being in the spotlight, try a reframe: You have something to offer. People can’t benefit from something they don’t know about. Here’s a client example. Kate (not her real name) was less experienced and tenured than most of her colleagues, and so she was shy about speaking up in meetings. She “assumed” that everyone had more knowledge than she did. What she was overlooking was that she was bringing a different perspective to the conversation. When she shifted her mindset, she was able to add a different level of value to the team’s mission. Whether you’re a leader, business owner, or professional, making your presence known is the first step to building trust and influence and making an impact. So what’s getting in the way? I’ll go out on a limb here and say it’s some form of fear for the majority of us. Do any of the following ring true for you? Get Out of the Basement! If you’re saying to yourself, “This all resonates, Sarah. But HOW do I do this?” The good news is, there are multiple options. If you’re the overachieving type and want to take action today, you can apply the PACE model here, too: Using the personal example noted above, let me bring this to life for you. When I started this newsletter, I was PETRIFIED. Because (you’ve heard this before) I was so concerned about what you would think of me and what I was offering (Pause). I reminded myself why I was doing this and how it tied into my values and my purpose (Align). I publicly said I would be writing weekly (Commit). I continue, several years later, to tweak my backend process, writing, and internal narrative (Emerge). It’s never a “one and done.” YOU (and your lemonade stand) deserve to be seen. The world is waiting, but they can’t find you in the basement.
3 Ways to Navigate the “Messy Middle”
There are two types of people in the world (OK, there are way more than two types, but for this allegory, there are two.) I used to be the former, but I’ve (mostly and slowly) become the latter. It’s not that I’ve ever been afraid of hard work, I just don’t enjoy the “Messy Middle.” Being in the Messy Middle usually means going through a state of conscious incompetence, which is uncomfortable. Seriously, who wants to knowingly suck at something? It’s why I stop/start activities like learning graphic facilitation, or speaking Spanish. The challenge is (obviously) that if we don’t stick with something long enough, we’re never going to make progress and become proficient. We will forever be stagnant and standing still. Also not in my DNA. At an earlier point in my life, I envied people achieving things I wanted to achieve, but I didn’t know how to do them and couldn’t fathom how to get myself from point A to point B. How were these people getting it done? What I wasn’t seeing was their Messy Middle. The times when they were awkward, uncomfortable, frustrated, less than fully competent, and climbing their way to conscious competence. Should you find yourself in a similar situation, here are a few ideas to help you navigate the Messy Middle and be on your way to conscious competence (or even unconscious competence!) This week I’ll be focusing on #2 as I continue my way through a 6-week workout program and will celebrate my discomfort and awkwardness. Because I’m not going to get any stronger just sitting and watching someone else workout.
The Myth of Perfection
I’m coming to you with a PSA: Perfection is unattainable. Stop trying so hard. If I had a dollar for every client or colleague who has said “I’m a perfectionist.” I would be a VERY wealthy woman today. To say, “I’m a perfectionist,” implies that we want to get things done flawlessly. While producing high caliber work, whether it’s for a job or a hobby, is a noble pursuit, it can be like trying to bathe a cat → hard to achieve! Somehow, society has groomed most of us to think that there is value and worth in perfection. And that anything less will somehow relegate us to a place of eternal damnation with no friends or chocolate ice cream. (I’ve got ice cream on the brain…) The reality is that in the human realm, perfection is a myth. In his commencement address at Dartmouth College, tennis legend Roger Federer said, “Perfection is impossible.” He then continues to break down his tennis stats to illustrate the example and says, “… even top ranked tennis players win barely half the points they play.” In business, it’s hard to imagine being successful on barely half of the projects or tasks we work on. And it’s also difficult to fathom the stress, hours, mental energy, and everything else that goes into trying to be “perfect.” So what if instead of trying to be perfect, you simply aimed to be better than you are today? Maybe even just 1% better? I know, 1% sounds so minuscule it would be easy to think it’s not worth aiming for. The compound effect over time however, is actually quite significant. Not sure about you, but if I am going to invest the time and energy to improve myself, I’m more inclined to go for small gains because I have seen first hand for both myself and clients, how they add up over time and yield big results. That sounds more productive than going after perfection, which we now know, is unattainable. You can see the clip of Roger talking about perfection here. (1:12 minute clip)Now go out there and be imperfectly human and imperfectly you!
28 Ways to Support Your Wellbeing
28 Ways to Support Your Wellbeing
How a Kitchen Reno Reminded Me of Why We Need to Ask for Help
A while ago, I spent time working alongside my husband and his cousin demolishing a kitchen, built circa 1970. Getting dirty may be fun for some, not so much for me. And I’m not particularly handy, but this felt like a good time to step up and be a team player (also not a strong suit…) 🙂 So, I pulled nails (many, many, nails!), drilled (very few) screws into 2 x 4’s, and ripped out a little trim board. And I swept and shop-vacced – a lot. All of which left plenty of time for contemplation (it’s hard to listen to music or audiobooks with power tools as a backdrop.) Four insights came to mind. So what’s the difference between this scenario and the workplace? Apparently, not much (though with a lot less perceived risk and stress on my part.) When you’re surrounded by colleagues and you’re being paid to know what you’re doing, it feels a lot more daunting to ask for help. (And, ok yes, in some instances or environments, it may be career suicide, but mostly it’s not.) Even if admitting you need support isn’t career-ending, I suspect the majority of us are ill at ease when we’re not adept at something. Pride and ego are frequent obstacles to sharing our humanness and vulnerability with another. Most of us would much rather try to figure things out on our own and suffer in silence before asking for help. Here’s the thing. If we never step out of our comfort zone and practice new skills and behavior, the likelihood of getting better is, well, nil. Zip. Zero. Zilch. And if you don’t know how to do something, one of the best ways to learn is to have someone else show you or offer advice. ➡️ Your call to action is simple. Ask for help when you need it. Here are a couple of scripts to help you out. Yes, it really can be that simple. You don’t need to wait until you’re stuck, confused, overwhelmed, spinning your wheels, or otherwise hampered at work to ask for assistance. (See above!) And, if you need more support than that, you could always consider finding a mentor, or a coach. 🙂 (Oh, come on. You knew I was going to put that in there, didn’t you?) At some point, it’s useful to pause and reflect on what you gained as a result of enlisting others to support you. A few questions for self-discovery include: Discomfort is temporary. Pushing through it leads to lasting change. Proof that I was there – I even have safety goggles!
The Deceivingly Simple Shift to Make Habits Stick
“Outcomes are about what you get. Processes are about what you do. Identity is about what you believe.” – James Clear When I work with coaching clients, we look at both their inner world (self-concept, beliefs, assumptions, mindset) and outer world (behaviors, language). It’s a two-fold exploration of how they experience themselves and how others experience them. Through these two lenses, we can dissect a client’s thought processes and how they play out in their day-to-day interactions. It’s incredibly effective for creating lasting change. Which is why I’m so enamored with James Clear’s model for achieving goals. In his book Atomic Habits, he lays out an approach that feels counter-intuitive. Start by focusing on your identity (self-concept) and then figure out the habits (behaviors) that support that identity. For example, rather than saying, “I want to lose 20lb,” you start by identifying who you want to be. In this case, you might say, “I want to be someone who lives a healthy lifestyle.” You then identify the habits a healthy person might adopt, such as regular exercise or changes in diet. Weight loss is the end result. This process worked well for a client recently, who is averse to networking, despite it being an important part of her role. With the above model in mind, she was able to shift her mindset from, “I need to network more to generate business” (which was anxiety-provoking and demotivating), to one of, “I am comfortable networking.” What habits does someone who is comfortable networking adopt? They may… Armed with this shift in perspective, she created a realistic plan (this is key!) that stretched her outside of her comfort zone, yet set her up for success. This philosophical change, coupled with an attainable habit, provided her the motivation to take new action, which ultimately will yield different results and help her achieve her goal. I love how effective this model is and how well it aligns with the Leadership Fluency Framework and the coaching process. Identity is often one of the first anchors of the framework I explore with clients. In discussing a challenge, leaders will invariably ask, “What should I do?” This is the wrong question. If you’ve worked with me, you know my answer to that question is, “Who do you want to be?” Why? Because when you are clear on the type of leader you want to be and the qualities you want to espouse, what to do becomes more readily apparent. You take the action that aligns with your identity and your values (another anchor in the framework.) If you’re curious about your own leadership fluency, you can check out the Leadership Fluency Appraisal here. And, you can read more about James Clear’s approach here.