The Paralyzing Fear of Failure and How to Overcome It
Are you afraid of failure? I am. I can’t tell you how much energy I’ve spent over the course of my life trying not to fail. From an early age, we are generally taught that failing is bad and success is good. At least, that was the message I got. I don’t recall anyone touting the benefits of failing or not getting it “right.” And thus begins a journey for many of us, of trying desperately not to fail, embarrass ourselves, or otherwise look stupid. Being historically risk-averse, it still surprises me that I decided to start my own business. There are so many ways in which one could fall flat on one’s face as an entrepreneur. Which has gotten me thinking about what, exactly, constitutes failure? Even the dictionary definitions are somewhat vague, including, “lack of success,” “nonperformance of something due,” and “a person or thing that proves unsuccessful.” Hmm… not much clarity there. Ok, fine. If you’re Boeing, and the plane fails to fly, we could clearly say that is a “nonperformance” issue. In day to day business, there are so many things that don’t follow the script that someone has created, but that doesn’t mean they’re actually failures. And while frustrating or disappointing, “failure” is critical to learning and innovation. In his book, Creativity, Inc., Ed Callum (Co-founder of Pixar) says that: “Failure is a manifestation of learning and exploration. If you aren’t experiencing failure, then you are making a far worse mistake: You are being driven by the desire to avoid it. And, for leaders especially, this strategy – trying to avoid failure by outthinking it – dooms you to fail.” Here are three of my takeaways from the book on how to reframe failure to overcome it : Let’s look at a real life example for reframing failure: In 2020, I launched a program and got, wait for it… two people signed up. I pushed the start date to 2021 with the goal of signing up additional participants. When the 2021 date rolled around, I was holding steady at two people and I ran it anyway. Some might say that hitting only 20% of your goal is a failure. And in many businesses, an 80% miss on target would certainly not be deemed a success. If you’re Boeing, a 20% success rate doesn’t instill confidence in your ability to keep me safe on my next flight. And we can probably all agree that a 20% success rate in Boeing’s case could be considered “nonperformance.” In my business, in this instance, however, I could shoulder the risk. And while outcomes were different than I envisioned, there were plenty of upsides. So do I see it as a failure? I’m going with a confident and affirmative “No.” First, it was an opportunity to grow as a person. I put myself out there in a different (read: uncomfortable) way and stretched myself in new ways. Second, I learned a lot about email marketing and program launches, among other things. All valuable information that has been leveraged in the intervening years. Third, the two people who signed up will tell you that it was fabulous. In the end, we all agreed that it turned out just perfectly and the way it was meant to. 🙂 The next time you are heading down a path that looks or feels like failure, view it as a pit stop along the road to success, one that fosters learning, growth, creativity and new perspective.
The 2 Vital Factors to Be Phenomenal
I’ve been thinking a lot about my clients – the relationships, the challenges, the results. Even more specifically, the clients who have phenomenal results. What is it that separates the ones who have phenomenal coaching results from those who have merely good results? You could be thinking to yourself, “Duh. It’s the coach, Sarah!” And you would be partially correct. But I am only one piece of the equation. There are three parties involved in coaching: me, the client, and the client’s manager. There are, however, two things I’ve seen in my coaching that distinguish clients who make the biggest gains. #1 – Reflection Reflection is the act of pondering, considering, or mulling something over. And It’s another place where I am going to say, “one size doesn’t fit all.” In whatever form you like, for as much time as you want, pause, contemplate, and assimilate. Pause: Reflection requires some level of consciousness. If you’re always on autopilot, you’re less likely to take time out to consider what transpired in your last meeting or one-to-one with your manager. Being present in the moment enables you to pause in your day to reflect. Contemplate: Here is where you can replay a scenario and get curious. Did you espouse the qualities that are important to you? Did you honor your values? Did you respond to others in a manner consistent with your brand? Considering your internal world can create more self-awareness. Sidebar: contemplating is not the same as obsession. If you are replaying scenarios in your mind over and over (and over!) it’s likely not helpful or productive. Obsessing is not the best use of your time. (Not that I have any personal experience there…) 🙂 Assimilate: Based on what you identified during your contemplation, think about what you would like to do more of, less of, or differently in the future. Now go do that thing! It’s also helpful to note that reflection happens on a time continuum. Most of us spend time thinking about what has already transpired. There’s great value looking in the rearview mirror to identify what we will or won’t change about our habits, behaviors, language, etc. in the future. I suspect that fewer people spend time reflecting forward, aka visualization. When faced with a similar situation in the future, what thoughts or behaviors do you want to carry forward, and which ones do you want to modify or leave behind? Thinking about both the past and future is helpful. There is no shortage of questions you could use to help you reflect. Here are a few prompts in case you need them: #2 – Courage Reflection is great, and yet on it’s own, it only serves to create awareness. It’s what we decide to do with the awareness that makes the difference. And here is where courage comes in. Because some days it takes grit, energy, and mental fortitude to show up differently. To do things differently than we did them yesterday. To stand in the face of fear and take a new and unfamiliar action anyway. My clients have used a variety of tactics to build courage when confronting a challenge or adversity: The key to any of this is doing something different than what you’ve always done. Albert Einstein was quoted as saying, “We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.” And the same is true for behavior change. If nothing changes, nothing changes. And that is the differentiator among clients. The ones who have the most insight, turn around difficult relationships, build visibility and credibility, gain clarity, or experience the greatest shifts in behavior and mindset, are the ones who dig in on reflection and have the courage to take action on those reflections. There’s nothing wrong with “good” results but why settle when you can have “phenomenal?” What can you do today to be phenomenal?
How Your Thoughts Can Limit or Liberate You
It’s one of those days. My inner critic (his name is Melvin) is hard at work spreading untruths and negativity to all of my brain receptors. All of this leaves me frustrated, overwhelmed, sad, and occasionally angry. Apparently, Melvin is immune to the realities of my day-to-day, and his favorite pastime is to taunt me with falsities. My logical and rational mind knows none of this is true. If I need proof, I only have to look around my desk to be reminded that I have a real live business with real live clients. I even have a mailing list! 🙂 Today, rather than ruminating on Melvin’s monologue, I’m calling B.S. and writing to you about it. Why? I am a big believer in the concept of “What you feed, grows.” I have no desire to nurture the ideas that Melvin bandies about, despite his best intentions to keep me safe from the travesties of life. To indulge in and believe the mental narrative only serves to limit me, not liberate me. Your call to action is to identify places where you may be limiting yourself. Even having the awareness is a great step towards setting yourself free.
7 Steps to Help You Nail Your Goals
In 1927, Benjamin Franklin gathered a group of tradesmen and formed the “Junto Club” (sometimes known as the “Leather Apron Club”) to meet on Friday nights and discuss politics, philosophy, morals, and other relevant issues of the time. The group was purportedly one of the first masterminds on record. In case “mastermind” is a new term for you, (also known as a peer-to-peer group), it’s a group of people aligned around a common purpose who come together for brainstorming, learning, and knowledge-sharing, with a goal to improve. The Junto Club was (presumably) led by Franklin, and to which he asked thought-provoking questions for the benefit of the attendees, such as: “Have you met with anything in the author you last read, remarkable, or suitable to be communicated to the Junto? Particularly in history, morality, poetry, physics, travels, mechanic arts, or other parts of knowledge?” Or, “Have you any weighty affair in hand, in which you think the advice of the Junto may be of service?” I spent a recent weekend immersing myself in a mastermind led by Dorie Clark, with 12 colleagues, none of whom I knew, and all with the common goal of growing our businesses. Partnering with people I don’t know is important to me. According to Adam Grant’s research, time with your “strong ties” – people in your inner circle – provides you with redundant knowledge. Time with “weak” or “dormant” ties can open up whole new perspectives. Unlike Ben Franklin and his entourage, we did not discuss poetry, physics, or mechanic arts, nor did we birth grand initiatives such as the University of Pennsylvania, the lending library, and the concept of a volunteer militia (which the Leather Apron Club in fact did!) We did, however, share our business models, strategies, goals, hopes, dreams, and challenges, with the intent of learning with each other, so we can put our own great work out into the world. The questions put to us were more relevant to today’s business environment vs. what Franklin asked his group above. They included, among others: The questions created a pattern interrupt which provided an opportunity to pause, reflect and be more intentional about what I’m creating. And so, with commitments made, inspiration in hand, and hugs given and received, I boarded a plane back home, my brain swimming with ideas and buzzing with excitement, and my heart full of gratitude. Now it may not have anything to do with higher education, reading, or reservists, but participating in a mastermind can yield other amazing outcomes for you too. Some organizations offer them to employees. Many do not. And don’t let that stop you from creating your own. Whether it’s a small and intimate group of colleagues, or a more expansive coming together with people you don’t know well, there is tremendous benefit in getting out of your normal day-to-day. It’s hard to grow if you never leave your comfort zone.If reading this has now sparked in you a desire to participate in a mastermind, the internet is rife with information on how to go about it. Here’s my take on quick steps to create your own mastermind: Masterminds work because when done right, people have the commitment, support, and accountability they need to achieve their goals and be successful. Doing this creates connection, which is one of the components of the Leadership Fluency Framework, the system I use when working with ambitious leaders to create sustainable, high-performance without sacrificing health, relationships, or family. Did you know that there are also people out and about in the world that run masterminds? If you’re a woman in leadership with 10+ years of experience and think you might be interested in a mastermind experience, please hit “reply” and let me know. Or click here to grab a few minutes on my calendar.
7 Questions to Take You From Funk to Fabulous
Here’s why I love coaching (both giving and receiving!) The other morning I woke up in a bit of a funk, attributed to a streak of poor sleep. That funk wasn’t going to do me any favors showing up as my badass, best self on an upcoming call, about which I was already feeling apprehensive. So I phoned a friend and fellow coach. In the time it took for her to ask me just four questions – FOUR QUESTIONS! – I experienced a mindset shift. The emotion I was feeling about the situation virtually disappeared, and I hung up the call with increased energy and motivation. My call went swimmingly. Yet one more confirmation of something I regularly share with clients: The place that you lead from determines your results. Had I stayed in my funk, the call would not have gone as well. The energy and mindset you bring to any situation is going to have a direct impact on interactions, relationships, and overall effectiveness. Why? Because, for most of us, its human nature to respond to people in kind. If someone is in your face and aggressive, you’re less likely to respond all warm and fuzzy to them. Since not everyone has several coaches on speed dial, here are a few questions for self-coaching the next time you find yourself in a funk and want to lead from a different place: Grab your journal and a pen (or your notetaking app of choice) and spend a few minutes in a quiet place answering some or all of the questions and see what emerges for you. Are you leading from a funk or as your badass, best self?
The #1 Mindset Hack I Keep Coming Back To
“Sometimes you’re the windshield. Sometimes you’re the bug.” – Mary Chapin Carpenter You may have seen me write about mindset before. My own “neuroagility” is a daily focus for me because it’s the number one tool in my proverbial leadership toolbox. Yet, despite my best efforts, occasionally I have days where I am most definitely the bug. Haters gonna hate, and life’s gonna get “lifey.” On these days, I am more intentional about my wellbeing (diet, exercise, mindfulness, water intake, social interaction, etc.) But the single biggest thing that consistently helps move me toward a better state of mind is…wait for it… reaching for the next best thought (NBT). Let’s say your car breaks down at the most inopportune time, forcing you to completely rearrange your entire day while you sit and wait for a tow truck. This would be enough to frustrate even the most Zen of us. Reaching for the NBT can help shift a taxing situation into a less stressful one. Examples of NBTs might be: ➡️ “I’m so glad it’s a beautiful day and not snowing while I wait for a tow.” ➡️ “Thankfully, I can afford to pay for the car repairs.” ➡️ “Isn’t it great I broke down in a neighborhood vs. a busy freeway?” You get the picture. It’s enough to move me to a better frame of mind and increased energy which will always yield better outcomes. A deceptively simple practice with great results. And if you like to geek out on mindset like I do, here’s a great podcast that I think is worth 49 minutes of your time (and a little less if you skip over the ads like I do.) 🙂
5 Unobvious Questions to Master Your Mindset
I am a big believer in mastering your mindset. The place we lead from ultimately determines our effectiveness and success. In a crappy mood? Inner critic running rampant? Full of fear or self-doubt? All of that impacts your interactions and, therefore, effectiveness. And not in a positive way (stating the obvious here… forgive me.) In a great mood? Feeling confident? Feeling optimistic and excited about your work and life? That also impacts your interactions and effectiveness. In a positive way (more obviousness here…) Life is going to throw curveballs. Things are not always going to go according to plan. The challenge is that our brains are hardwired for negativity. We are genetically programmed to be on the lookout for threats and predators. Each curveball coming at you provides your brain an opportunity to revel in the negativity, rejoice in the rumination, and frolic in self-sabotaging messages. Here’s a quick mindset-shifting strategy: When you feel your inner critic is getting ready to pounce, ask yourself one, some, or all of these questions: Each of these presents an opening to change your perspective and, therefore, your mindset. Need a real-world example? Here you go. There was a time I was promoting a group mastermind program for women in leadership. Guess what? I ended up pushing it out! There are a number of stances I could have taken when I realized it wasn’t going to happen in the way I envisioned. If Melvin (my inner critic) had his way, I would have spent precious time beating myself up about what I did wrong, why it was a stupid idea, to begin with, etc. Not the best use of my time. Definitely not good for my mindset. Instead, I opted to look for the gifts and opportunities to grow. And there were many! To name a few: So while the outcome is different than what I planned, I am not sitting here beating myself up about it. Instead, I feel great about the outcomes I did have! How about you? What’s something that hasn’t gone to plan and how can you adopt a new perspective about it?