Fear Called. It Wants Its Excuses Back
When was the last time you held back from … pretty much anything you have been thinking about? What’s getting in your way? If you’re like me, you wait until you’re “Ready.” (Pigs might fly before I ever feel like I’m ready.) Which also means that at least 78% of my ideas or ambitions will never see the light of day. And when you think about it, that is really a terrible outcome for all involved. I hold myself back in that situation, which limits my potential. And others don’t get the benefit of whatever it was I was hoping to birth into the world. For example, I’ve had an idea for at least a year, possibly longer, to launch something on LinkedIn called Fluent Fridays – basically a super short post with a nugget that someone could use immediately to increase their Leadership Fluency™. You may be thinking, “Hey, that’s a great idea! What’s taking you so long?” Well, I wasn’t “ready.” Meaning, I hadn’t done the legwork. I hadn’t mapped out a strategy for posting with my various content pillars, or put together a posting calendar so I know what to post when, or asked someone to come up with the graphics for it… or, or, or. You get my drift? It’s possible I’ve been overthinking this (she thinks, dryly.). Thus, it’s been in my brain for a long time, and not necessarily online. Until… I got fed up with myself. And I just posted the damned thing. Was it perfect? No. Was it what I thought I would post? No. Did I hire a designer? No. Did I commit to all of LinkedIn that I would be posting on Fridays? Yes. Did I post the following Friday? No. The point is, if I keep waiting until I have it all wrapped up in a pretty box with a bow, it will never happen. This is low stakes at the end of the day. No one on LinkedIn is checking my posting dates to make sure I’ve been consistent. I’m not suggesting you show up for a strategy rollout meeting unprepared. What I am suggesting is that it’s possible, just maybe within the realm of possibility, that you are more prepared than you give yourself credit for. So let’s just name what’s holding you back for what it is: Fear. It’s not that you (or I) aren’t ready. It’s that you’re afraid. You don’t want to be judged (people will judge, it’s what our brains do.) You don’t want to look stupid. You don’t want to be compared to others. Or a million other things that your brain will come up with to keep you safe in your little cocoon and hold you back from whatever it is that your heart really wants to pursue. Now, I’m taking (small) steps toward goals. Not the mundane goals. The BHAGs. You with me?
Everyone Else Has it Figured Out
“I feel like everyone else has it all under control and I’m the one who’s failing.” This was from a client one day, and all I could think was, “Yeah, me too.” It’s not true, of course, but that’s how it can feel when everyone around us looks like they’re crushing it, and we feel like we are missing the boat entirely. I mean, if I’m completely transparent, I spent years feeling this way. And then reality hit me. I was judging how I felt internally by how others looked externally. That is a terrible barometer for success. Duh! This is a perfect example of the “Ye Olde Iceberg” analogy. We only see what’s above the waterline – people’s behaviors and results, what they choose to share with us. What we don’t see are the struggles, fears, insecurities, and mindsets that are holding them back. Remember that next time you start to beat yourself up.
If Everything is Important, Nothing is Important
When writing this, I was in a busy season of preparation as the opening (‼️) keynote at an HR conference on Breaking the Unwritten Rules: Keys to Sustainable Leadership. While I was head down prepping, I had to let some things slide. I didn’t have the bandwidth or brain capacity to focus on anything else besides the last-minute prep and client work. Some of the internal projects the team was working on had to wait too. And it’s ok! I made a conscious trade-off because I knew it was temporary. Because if everything is important, then nothing is important. Sometimes we need to cut ourselves some slack, let things go, or put them aside for a while. The trickier question is: what are you letting go of? Temporarily shelving an internal project is one thing. Habitually shelving yourself (your health, your relationships, your sleep) is another. I have a client who did the latter for years. It cost him his health, his happiness, and nearly cost him his marriage. In hindsight, he was able to see clearly what he couldn’t see when he was in the thick of it: he’d been abandoning himself, one small compromise at a time. It’s two ends of the same spectrum. Conscious trade-off, or slow self-erasure. Whether you’re in an organization or self-employed, there will always be times when work dominates. The question is, is it the exception or the norm? And if it’s not feeling balanced, what do you want to change?
Mind the Gap (Just not That Gap)
Most of us are minding the wrong gap. When we’re at a train station, it’s pretty obvious which gap you need to be mindful of – the one between the platform and the train. Don’t drop your phone, misstep, or get your wheelie luggage stuck there. Almost every leader I coach is minding the wrong gap. They’re looking at all the places they’ve been told they fall short or need to get stronger, and they focus most of their attention there. The challenge with this strategy is that it runs counter to strengths-based leadership, which suggests that people learn more effectively when they build on their strengths. Focusing on strengths is often more engaging, less difficult, and easier for the brain to learn new things. Not to mention the costs associated with always focusing on where you need to improve. For instance… the exhaustion and mental fatigue of always pushing to do better, the inherent self-criticism, the crappy mood that you end up in as a result of both. All of this then bleeds into your interactions with others. But by staring too hard at that gap… you might be missing another one. The one between who you think you are and the one others already see. Most of the time, others see a bigger, bolder, smarter, more skilled version of ourselves than we see. And if we don’t see it, we do ourselves a big disservice. Here’s what I mean by that. Earlier in my coaching career, I held the belief that I shouldn’t be coaching C-suite leaders. It wasn’t true, but I was buying into it anyway. And for a while, it got in the way of my own growth. The fix is easier than you’d think. ⬇️ Show up as the version of you that you aspire to be. Even before you fully believe it. The gap worth paying attention to isn’t the one you’ve been staring at. So, how would the best version of you show up today?
Things are Worse Than You Think (and That’s Good!)
Spoiler alert: I’m about to go philosophical on you. When we talk about coaching, there’s a lot of discussion about shifting perspectives and what a gift that can be. A true perspective shift doesn’t just change how you see something. It can change the amount of pressure you’re feeling. I listened to a podcast with Oliver Burkeman, which provided a shift in perspective that initially sounded bizarre and completely counterintuitive. But once it landed, it felt oddly freeing. The idea is this: things are generally worse than we think they are. Here’s my take on how he explained this concept. Things being “worse” could apply to anything – the state of a relationship, or something far more mundane, like the number of books stacked on your nightstand. At first blush, this sounds discouraging and possibly fatalistic. Because why on earth would it help to assume things are worse than we imagine? In this sense, however, we’re talking about “worse” as in there’s a sense of futility about things or situations. Here’s how it helped me. Allow me to introduce the to-do list. I think it’s safe to say that most of us believe that if we could just get everything done, we’d breathe a sigh of relief at being “caught up.” But every time you check something off the list, it usually just creates more tasks. In that regard, the list isn’t designed to end. It just keeps regenerating (kinda like a starfish…) Once you accept that the to-do list is fundamentally unfinishable, it becomes easier to stop trying so hard to Cross.Everything.Off. See? This is not a personal failure. This is just the nature of the to-do list! Such a relief! How about relationships? One of the biggest challenges many of us face is trying – consciously or unconsciously – to change someone else’s behavior. There are things about my spouse that drive me nuts. If I can accept the futility of getting him to change certain behaviors, there’s freedom in that. One more for you and then I’ll stop. I promise. The list of books I want to read would take multiple lifetimes to complete. When I stop pretending I might someday read them all, I can enjoy the one(s) I’m actually reading without guilt about the others. (The abandoned ones, the half-read ones waiting to be finished, the ones with pristine spines waiting to be cracked open…) What crystallized all of this for me was when Oliver (Mr. Burkeman? I don’t know the man and not sure how to address him!) shared the idea of sitting on a riverbank. You don’t sit on a riverbank beating yourself up about the water that already passed before you showed up, or stressing about the water you’ll miss when you leave. You sit. You dip your toes in. You experience what’s here and enjoy it. It’s impossible to experience all the water in the river. Your to-do list is a river. So is your reading list. So is most of life. The shift in perspective – and therefore the relief – comes when you stop trying to keep up with the current and start paying attention to where you are standing. Your call to action is to just notice where you might be resisting something. What happens when you apply the riverbank theory?
Friction Is a Leadership Choice
My team and I have been talking about what it means to be “relationship first” in the business. How can we minimize friction, make things easier for clients, and create the kind of experience people talk about and want to come back to? When you read “relationship first” did your mind immediately go to people outside of your business? If yes, you’re probably not alone. We all have internal “clients.” Colleagues. Direct reports. Managers. Stakeholders. And anyone else who relies on you to show up in a way that makes their job easier, not harder. Friction is expensive. While most of the friction we might create isn’t intentional, it does have an impact. And it’s often the small things: slow follow-ups, cryptic messages that are hard to decipher, dropping the ball, not offering enough support or context, overcomplicating something that could have been simple. 🙋🏻♀️ “Relationship first,” doesn’t mean being nice or endlessly accommodating. It does mean looking for opportunities to reduce drag in the system so people can do their jobs without navigating around an additional obstacle. → You. Now I say this with no judgment. I am the biggest obstacle in my own business, hands down. Which is why, at a team meeting, I wanted to talk about what it means to have a “relationship first” business. Because leadership is a series of micro-interactions and each one either creates friction… or removes it. If this all feels taxing to you, here’s a simple question you could try asking. Almost zero effort on your part. It just requires you to pause and remember to ask. “What would make this easier for you?” That question alone builds trust, shows people that you’re interested, and reminds them that you’re there to help. The external reputation of the business will always reflect the internal experience. And the same holds true for you, even if you’re internal. → If it’s frictionless inside, it shows outside. If it’s chaotic inside, it leaks outside… This isn’t a client service strategy (although it could be.) It’s a leadership strategy. Your call to action is to step back and evaluate where you might be causing friction. What could you do to reduce it?
Why Treating Yourself Better Improves Your Leadership Impact
“By giving ourselves unconditional kindness and comfort while embracing the human experience, difficult as it is, we avoid destructive patterns of fear, negativity, and isolation.” – Kristin Neff I’ve been thinking a lot about self-compassion lately. (And yes, I know. Those two words can make most high-achievers itch.) Kristin Neff, who’s spent years researching this, says that self-compassion isn’t about letting yourself off the hook. It’s about treating yourself with the same care and understanding you’d offer anyone else who’s struggling. Simple, not easy. Most leaders I know are fluent in accountability but are barely “conversational” when it comes to grace. They’ll stumble in a meeting and immediately launch into a full-blown internal performance review. No one else has to say a word. That voice in your head, however, is not making you better. It’s just making you more tired. Neff’s research shows that self-compassion actually increases resilience, motivation, and problem-solving. Which makes sense. When you stop beating yourself up, you free up energy for, well, anything useful. In Leadership Fluency™ terms, this is the inner maintenance work: mindset, identity, values, wellbeing, and connection. Because how you talk to yourself and how you treat yourself directly affects how you show up for everyone else. If you’re wondering how to do this, fear not! You don’t have to turn into a walking affirmation machine. Start small. This isn’t a one-and-done skill. It’s more like brushing your teeth. Small, consistent action and oh so important. And if you’re rolling your eyes right now, that’s fine. That’s just the overachiever in you trying to stay in control. (Hi, I see you.) The courage to be kind to yourself is strategic. It’s what keeps you steady enough to do the rest of the hard work.
The Leadership Skill No One Talks About
“There is no shortcut for the work. Period. Entrepreneurship is in many ways disguised as a business pursuit. So much of it is managing your own psychology.” – David Segal David Segal is one of the co-founders of David’s Teas. After helping scale the brand to $200M, he walked away. And talks openly in interviews about how he lost his sense of meaning and purpose after, and what it took to find his footing again. You might not be an entrepreneur, but the quote above still holds value. So much of leadership has nothing to do with the mechanics of the business or your functional area. It’s the inner work that matters. We tend to think leadership is about external skill: strategy, execution, managing others. But the leaders who thrive are the ones who get fluent in the internal work. They understand their patterns, triggers, beliefs, assumptions, and gaps, and find ways to work with them or shift them. For me, this is Leadership Fluency™ in action → mindset, identity, values, wellbeing, connection. Maybe not all on the same day, but possibly all in one week! When we 1) have the self-awareness that we are contributing to our own misery, 2) choose to do things differently, and 3) follow through, things start to shift. The reality is that no one shows up for coaching and says, “Hey, Sarah. I’d like to really dig in on the inner work.” No one. Ever. But everyone comes to the table with external challenges that somehow feel misaligned, though they can’t always name why. By the time we’re done, they have a lot more clarity on how they want to show up in the world, the values that drive them, the wellbeing criteria that fuels them, and the mindset stance they want to adopt. They also have strengthened connections that support them in these areas. And in case you missed it the last 52 times I said it, we live in a relationship economy. Your internal and external networks are critical for increasing productivity, goal achievement, broadening your perspective, and staying sane in the process. Fluent leaders have a few things in common: Getting from where we are today to a place of increased Leadership Fluency™ is a marathon, not a sprint. There is no finish line to cross. (Which I always find really annoying, BTW.) The good news here is that it takes some pressure off. There’s no way we’re going to get it perfect, so instead we get to practice on a day-to-day basis. You may be asking yourself, “How do I do this?” There is no single answer that will work for everyone. My standard rule applies: one size doesn’t fit all — which, again, is good news. It means the possibilities are endless, and you get to decide what works best for you. Here’s the simplest way to begin building your Leadership Fluency™: If you need a place to start, try one of these previous notes: What part of your “work” right now is about managing your own psychology? And, if there’s no shortcut for the work, what’s the next step you could take that your future self would thank you for?” This kind of inner work is simple, but not always easy. It takes focus, intentionality, and practice. Don’t get thrown off if you don’t see massive gains right away. Small and seemingly imperceptible shifts yield big results in the long run.
You’re Not Behind, and Hustle is Optional
Have you ever thought to yourself, “I should be further along by now”? This has been a lifelong mantra I am ever so slowly letting go of. And I know I’m not alone. Clients say it after a presentation that didn’t go as well as they’d hoped. Or after scrolling through LinkedIn, watching everyone else announce promotions, or casually mentioning they’re speaking at three conferences, running a side business, and raising well-behaved goats. Meanwhile, you’re just trying to make it through Monday. I see you. Let’s be clear: you are not behind. You’re building. Every time we reach a new level of skill or ability, it feels great — the dopamine is flowing, and we want to ride that wave. Then we look around and someone else is riding a bigger wave, and suddenly it feels like we’re splashing around in the kiddie pool. It’s a dynamic of contraction and expansion. Expansion boosts our confidence. Contraction feels… icky (technical coaching term!). But over time, the space between expansion and contraction gets shorter. The drawing below isn’t “to scale,” but you’ll note that each point on the journey is higher than the last. In real life, that might look like quitting a job that’s slowly crushing your soul, even if you don’t have your next gig lined up. It might be going to therapy, setting boundaries, saying no, learning to rest, or asking for help before things hit full meltdown mode. And it leads to expansion. Think of all the people you’ve seen on LinkedIn announce they’ve left roles with no next job lined up. They’re honoring their values, their boundaries, their wellbeing, AND getting right with themselves. That’s the real work. So if you’re… These are signs of change. If you’re feeling stuck (or like you’re failing), the reframe I’d offer is one of growth and prioritizing yourself. The next time that inner critic chimes in with “you should be further along,” try asking: Let the others hustle for their next big wave. I give you permission to hang out on the board and enjoy the sun. You’re not behind. And you are making progress. I promise.
4 Ways to Recover From a Mistake
Think about the worst mistake you’ve ever made at work. The one that makes you cringe inwardly. Yeah, that one. Now imagine doing that in front of millions. Hard to stomach, eh? Well, that’s what happened to an HBO Max intern. You can read more about it here, but in a nutshell, an intern inadvertently sent an “integration test” email to HBO subscribers. HBO wasted no time in posting on Twitter/X about this issue with a tongue-in-cheek tweet. And the internet responded in kind. In ways that rarely happen on the internet! Thousands began posting in solidarity and sharing their own epic mishaps – many while they were not interns. They are kind, funny, and offer the intern in question grace for the mistake. It’s a feel-good story and a reminder that we could all use more grace in the world. Grace for ourselves, and maybe just as importantly, grace for others. But grace for others starts with grace for ourselves. And if you’re like me, with a harsh inner critic, that can be a tough nut to crack. You can’t give away what you don’t have. So what’s it going to take for you to lighten up? You know I don’t believe in a one-size-fits-all approach, so I can’t tell you exactly what will work for you. But I can offer a few suggestions that have helped me and my clients: 1. Put a photo on your desk. Got an old photo of yourself as a kid? Or a picture of your kids, nieces, nephews, or any child you adore? Keep it in plain sight. The next time you start to beat yourself up – for a presentation that fell flat, a piece of work that wasn’t up to your standard, or a comment you regret – look at that photo. You likely wouldn’t speak to that child with the same harshness you use on yourself. 2. What would you say to a friend? If someone you care about came to you with the same challenge, what would you say? Really. Would you tell them to suck it up or get over it? Probably not. So let’s not do that to you either. Another way to think about it – if you had a spot in the HBO thread encouraging others about a mistake you’ve made in the past, what would your post say? 3. Challenge your story. Get some objectivity. What’s the story you’re telling yourself? (Does this sound familiar?) That you’re terrible at presenting? That Jon in accounting is definitely mad and talking about you behind your back? That you blew the interview over one clunky answer? Now ask yourself: what actual evidence do I have that the story is true? Gut instincts are great, just not in this situation. Did Jon actually tell you he was mad? Did someone tell you your presentation missed the mark? Now, rewrite the story. Something more accurate, like: “That wasn’t my best presentation. But it wasn’t my worst.” “I could have answered that one interview question better, but I communicated my experience well overall.” “I didn’t meet my own expectations in that conversation, and I feel embarrassed. I want to offer an apology.” 4. Name your critic. I’ve talked about this before. Mine’s named Marvin. He’s a stinky little bugger. Another colleague named hers Gilda. It can be as simple as telling Marvin or Gilda to take the day off. You’ve got it covered. And if you need additional proof that naming (figuratively or literally 😉) your emotions is beneficial, check out this article. Bottom line? Cut yourself some slack. We all make mistakes. Instead of fixating on where you missed the mark, focus on what you learned or what you’d do differently next time. It’s a much better use of your brainpower.