How to Lead When You’re Exhausted, Overwhelmed, and Out of Options
Have you ever tried to staunch a gushing wound with a Dora the Explorer Band-Aid (metaphorically speaking, of course)? A few years ago, I had a client who was completely overwhelmed. (Ok, let’s be real. I’ve had many clients who have been completely overwhelmed. Welcome to modern leadership.) Back to this one client, we’ll call Anne. Her schedule was untenable. No amount of burning the midnight oil was going to get her caught up. Her team was underresourced in critical areas and overresourced in others that were less helpful to the core work product. And, as a member of the “sandwich generation,” she was navigating major health issues not only for herself, but also a parent and a child. So she did what any high-functioning, self-respecting Type A personality does. Doubled down and worked harder. She just kept saying to herself, “I’ll figure it out.” You’ve likely heard the saying, “Hope is not a strategy.” Well, “Figuring it out” is also not a strategy. At least not a good one if you don’t want to end up completely burned out. Anne’s challenge, like so many others, is that exhaustion, overwhelm, overworking, overthinking, and overreaching are symptoms, not the actual problem. So, no matter how many quick-fix solutions she tried (new planner, better time blocking, improved delegation strategies…), nothing really moved the needle. It’s like grabbing a squirt gun when the house is on fire. It doesn’t work because the issue isn’t a logistical one. It’s internal. And while external fixes might offer temporary relief, they’re typically not sustainable. As a society, we’ve become really good at problem-solving. In fact, we’ve become so conditioned to look outside of ourselves for approval, answers, and solutions that we overlook the obvious strategies that are right in front of us and well within our control. For instance, maybe… These are not scheduling or performance management issues. They’re signals that something is misaligned. Here’s where Leadership Fluency comes in. You need a personal foundation to support you when the 💩 hits the 🪭. What does your infrastructure look like? Any of these areas can support you when things feel unmanageable. Your body, brain, and bandwidth can’t sustain long-term success if the core of your leadership is built on a faulty or cracked foundation. You don’t need another tool or hack. So before you solve for the next problem, pause and ask yourself: Where am I misaligned? You might be surprised what clears up once you stop chasing smoke.
How to Lead with Intention Instead of Burnout
Have you noticed how “hustle culture” has worked its way into our vernacular in the last many years? Originally, hustle culture took root in Silicon Valley when working 24/7 to secure funding was the M.O. for many start-ups. There was a “ride or die” mentality to working 24/7. In the years that followed, we’ve adopted the mindset that hustling (read: overworking) is the way to get ahead. (It’s not.) Which is why hustle culture gets a bad rap. This is legitimate when the hustle is fueled by fear, scarcity, or the need to prove something (it can also be a fast track to burnout.) Today, hustle culture has expanded its purview to include “side hustles,” with 2 in 5 workers saying they have one, according to 2023 research by Bankrate. Additionally, half of millennials and more than half of Gen Zers had a side hustle. Of all people with a side hustle, 33% said they needed it to meet their monthly expenses. But hustle in and of itself isn’t the problem. It’s the why behind the hustle we should look at, as well as how it shows up in our lives and leadership. I hustle daily. In fact, I operate better when I’m hustling. It’s energizing and focuses me, and I’m motivated by it. Yes, sometimes it’s messy, but it is (almost) always aligned with my goals. I’m not chasing my worth or trying to prove anything to anyone but myself. And the hustle is coming from a place of joy and abundance. For many, the reality of hustle looks a little different. They’re leading teams, managing complex and competing priorities, or navigating demanding systems. They’re working with fewer resources and more time constraints. Reprioritizing based on environmental factors (e.g. think tariffs here) and maybe juggling a long list of issues on the home front. Maybe this is true for you, too? While hustle isn’t always optional, it can be intentional. This is where Leadership Fluency™ comes in.* This is about creating a personal foundation that grounds you and knowing yourself well enough to notice: You can hustle without losing yourself. But you need to be aware of the inner signals and deprioritize the outer noise. So the next time you feel the rush, ask yourself: And if those questions stir something uncomfortable in you, that’s great! That’s your self-awareness doing its job. You may be tempted to push back here and say, “But I don’t have a choice.” Even when things feel hard or uncertain, you’re not without choices. You always have the ability to choose your next step. The key is to trust yourself to decide what’s right for you. Lean into the work you’ve already done to build your infrastructure and foundation. It’s there to support you. If you feel like you don’t have the solid foundation you need, it’s not too late to start shoring it up. You would never knowingly build a skyscraper on a faulty foundation. So don’t do it for your leadership, either!
How to Lead with Awareness Under Pressure
Let’s be honest, most leadership advice goes out the window when the pressure’s on and your hair is on fire. Deadlines stack up, your team’s stretched thin, and your brain is stuck in unhelpful loops. This is when “conscious leadership” matters most and also feels hardest to access. In simple terms, conscious leadership is about being aware of how your inner world – your thoughts, emotions, energy, etc. – shapes the way you lead. It’s pausing, and choosing how you show up rather than reacting on autopilot. And it offers you the opportunity to lead intentionally. Lately, I keep coming back to this simple (and surprisingly sticky) analogy from the philosopher Alan Watts. Imagine you’re in a boat. (Think speed boat vs. paddle boat.) Behind you is the wake – the churned-up water you leave in your path. It represents your past: experiences, wins, failures, feedback, relationships, and regrets. It shows you where you’ve been, but it doesn’t determine where you’re going. And yet, how often do we let the wake drive the boat? When we lead from old stories, like holding onto past mistakes, past hurts, and past identities, we give yesterday a lot more influence than it deserves. Conscious leadership offers us the opportunity to notice when we’re doing that and choose differently. Now think about what’s powering the boat: the engine. This is the energy of the present moment. Your mindset, your emotions, your clarity (or lack thereof). Are you running on stress and self-doubt, or calm, curiosity, and courage? That inner state is always shaping your leadership and how others experience you. It shows up in how you ask questions. How you handle tension. How you make decisions. Finally: Where’s the boat headed? That’s your vision. You might not have an exact destination, and that’s ok. But you do need a general sense of direction, which includes values, purpose, or the kind of leader you aspire to be. When we get clear on where we’re headed, we stop letting the wake choose our path forward. Here are a few “coachy” questions for you in case you want to check your alignment: Here’s the good news: you can change course if you don’t like the path you’re on. You can adjust the engine speed. Set your GPS to a different endpoint. Toss overboard anything no longer needed. 🛥️ Future you will thank you.
How to Stop Sitting on Feedback
Raise your hand if… …you’ve ever not been given feedback that could’ve helped you grow. Now, raise your hand if you’ve ever avoided giving someone feedback for their development because it felt too uncomfortable. (Be honest: you know you’re afraid when you start making up excuses like, “I don’t want to ruin their vacation,” or “Their cat has a PT appointment today and I don’t want to upset them further.”) This is showing up in coaching conversations everywhere lately. Talented leaders (valued leaders!) are being blindsided by feedback that only surfaces when things have reached a breaking point. Take my client Alison.* She was passed over for a promotion she was sure she’d get when her manager retired. It wasn’t until she didn’t get the job that anyone told her why. She received helpful, candid feedback…too late. Had someone shared those insights even six months earlier, she would’ve had the opportunity to course-correct, develop, and truly be in the running. Instead, she felt angry, blindsided, and let down by her organization. Then there’s John.* He found out that colleagues had been giving feedback about his leadership – just not to him. They had shared it with his manager and asked to remain anonymous. The information never reached John until things escalated two years later. Now, we’re working through it in coaching. But that feedback could have opened up a growth path years ago. The takeaway? Delaying feedback delays development. It also erodes trust when people find out you’ve been sitting on insights they could’ve used. So often, we think we’re doing people a favor by not offering performance feedback because we’re sparing their feelings. What we’re really doing is accommodating our own feelings of fear, guilt, awkwardness, or [insert your feeling here.] If we wanted to help people out, it would be by offering them tangible, behaviorally focused observations that enable them to do their job more effectively. In the moment, or within a reasonable time frame (especially because any input offered holds a lot less weight if it’s given a month or two years after the fact.) But you know that already. I’ve rounded up a short list of my favorite “Do’s” and “Don’ts” for giving feedback. Is it comprehensive? Probably not. Helpful? Yup. DO: Channel your inner meteorologist. DON’T: Apologize, beat around the bush, or catastrophize. Weather forecasters don’t sugarcoat the coming nor’easter. They deliver the facts clearly, calmly, and without drama. Feedback should be the same: neutral, measured, and direct. Feedback should sound like information, not accusation. DO: Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don’t be mean when you say it. DON’T: Use vague or overly softened language to avoid discomfort. Yes, it sounds like something from a kindergarten classroom, but it works for grownups, too. Don’t wrap your message in vague language. Be respectful and specific. Don’t dilute the truth or dress it up so much that it loses its meaning. When you dilute your message to avoid hurting someone’s feelings, you risk not saying anything at all. Feedback like, “Just something to think about!” or “Maybe keep an eye on this?” leaves people confused. It doesn’t help them take clear action. DO: Bring concrete examples (more than one!) DON’T: Expect people to “just get it” without evidence. Years ago, a manager gave me feedback I immediately disagreed with. It wasn’t until his third example that I had to admit that maybe he had a point. (What can I say? I’m stubborn.) Real examples help ground the conversation and reduce ambiguity. Having specific examples also helps you avoid making vague, sweeping claims that feel personal rather than practical. If you need help framing out the feedback, this model may help. DO: Open up a two-way conversation. DON’T: Deliver a monologue and assume you’re done. Invite their perspective. Ask questions. Listen. Sometimes, a performance issue is really a context issue. Give them the space to share what they see. They may clarify something you misunderstood. Or they might just need time to process and come back with questions. DO: Ask for a follow-up recap. DON’T: Leave the conversation without checking for clarity. One of the easiest ways to make sure your message landed? Ask them to send you a short email summarizing what they heard and what they plan to do next. This isn’t to micromanage, it’s to confirm you’re on the same page. If their email shows they missed your main point, you can clarify before you get too far down the road. This signals that not only are you serious about the need for behavior change, but you’re also invested in their development and not just delivering feedback and disappearing. DO: Use the tools you have. DON’T: Wing it or try to sound like someone you’re not. If your company has a feedback framework or a coaching model, use it. If you’ve worked with a coach or been trained in effective feedback, lean into what you know. And most importantly, be yourself. You don’t have to sound like a robot or an HR policy manual. You just have to sound like a human who wants to help another human grow. Preparation and authenticity will serve you well here. DO: Own the feedback. DON’T: Pass the buck. I worked for a guy who used to always say, “Heavy is the head that wears the crown.” Boy, was he right! If you need to give some tough feedback, it’s not always easy, and it’s rarely (ok, never) fun, but it comes with the title. So take a deep breath – you got this. Remember, leadership is a team sport! If you’re the manager, it’s your job to deliver input people may not always relish. When you hide behind “some people think…” or “my hands are tied…” statements, you diminish your credibility and leadership in the process. Bottom line: Withholding feedback doesn’t make you kind. It makes you a barrier to someone else’s growth. Let people know how they’re doing before they miss the
3 Traits Boardrooms and Black Diamonds Have in Common
I’ve been skiing my whole life. I know how to get on and off a chairlift. Yet, that didn’t stop me from almost going through the safety gate and grinding the lift to a halt on a recent trip. (And seriously embarrassing myself in the process!) This got me thinking about the parallels of leadership. What happened? How did something so ingrained in me almost go sideways, and what’s the connection to leading? So, how does all of this relate to the boardroom? You’ll be glad to know I made it down the mountain safely (obvs) without embarrassing myself. “The team,” in this case, was my husband, who came to my rescue. When he saw that I missed my exit (skis no longer hitting the off-ramp), he extended a pole with catlike reflexes. I grabbed it, and with the athletic prowess of a cheetah, 😊jumped off the lift, mere feet before hitting the safety bar. And that, my friends, is another reason why you should never ski or lead alone.
Figuring it Out is NOT a Leadership Strategy
Here’s a question for you: When things go sideways, and you’re not sure what to do, who you gonna call? 😉 If you’re like many leaders, your instinct might be to keep your head down and grind your way through it solo. Even typing that sounds painful! And yet, it’s pretty common: This notion of “I’ll figure it out!” may be one of the most terrible leadership strategies I’ve seen (both firsthand and in others.) OK, yes, maybe it’s served you well in the past because that was the only strategy available at the time. But it’s not doing you or your leadership effectiveness any favors today. The most successful leaders—you know them, those people who seemingly navigate challenges with ease?— don’t do it alone. And neither should you. So, what’s the alternative? Get yourself a “Board of Directors” (I affectionately call mine the “What the F*** Do I Do Now?” Board.) Similar to the board of any corporation, a BOD is a network of trusted advisors who can offer support, keep you accountable, and help you navigate the complexities of life, work, and leadership. These aren’t just friends or family members (though they might play a role). These are people who can and will: None of us are experts across the board. Which is why it’s vital to build a support system that helps fill in the gaps and empowers you to move forward with clarity and ease. We live in a world that glorifies self-reliance, but leadership is a team sport. Your relationships are one of the greatest currencies you have as a leader. When you lean into your BOD, you’re availing yourself of wisdom and thought leadership that positions you for long-term success. How to Build Your Board Building a Board of Directors is easier than you think. Here are four simple steps to get started: ➡️ Decide Where You Could Benefit from Help Think about the gaps you’re facing in your life or leadership. Are you looking for strategic advice? Emotional support? Candor? The answer will help you identify who to include. Common areas people look for support include work/life integration, wellness, emotional health, finances, functional expertise, or skill expertise, to name a few. ➡️ Look Beyond Your Inner Circle While your closest friends might be great at lifting you up, think more expansively about mentors, colleagues, or people in your network—internally and externally—who have experience in areas where you’re looking to grow. ➡️ Ask for What You Need Be specific when you reach out. Let people know what you’re doing and why you’ve identified them specifically for their support. You’ll also want to set expectations as to how often or in what capacity you’ll be asking for assistance. Will you convene your whole board on a quarterly basis? Do you anticipate calling people only as things come up? Help people understand the support you’re looking for and how you anticipate tapping into them. ➡️ Keep the Relationship Two-Way Great relationships are reciprocal. Make sure you’re giving back in ways that are meaningful to your advisors, whether it’s sharing resources, offering encouragement, or simply asking how you can support them. Who are the people you trust to challenge, encourage, and help you see what’s possible? And what’s your plan for reaching out? 🙂
How to Lead Authentically Without Copying Others
In 2016, Spotify launched “Wrapped.” Every December, users get a colorful, animated review of their year in music and podcasts. I’m not a superuser, but I always look forward to seeing my preferences all “Wrapped” up. (Did you see what I did there?) This year, I got Wrapped-like emails from Starbucks (22 stores in 21 cities) and the Washington Post (apparently, I’m a “Trailblazer—curious, practical, confident”), among others. While fun, these attempts felt like they were trying too hard—and honestly, off-brand. It’s true that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but when it comes to leadership, copying someone else’s traits or behaviors can erode your authenticity if not done with care and intentionality. So, where does that leave you when you see leadership qualities you admire but don’t know how to integrate? PACE yourself. Here’s a framework to help you grow while staying true to your unique leadership style: Here’s how it looks in action: James (not his real name) admired Sam’s (also not her real name) gregariousness and natural stage presence. A low-key guy by nature, James felt drawn to Sam’s ability to draw people out (Pause). He also realized that engaging with others more effectively could strengthen relationships with his team and colleagues (Align). To grow, James committed to speaking up more intentionally in meetings and scheduling short networking conversations to boost his visibility (Commit). Over time, he adjusted these actions to feel more authentic and aligned with his personality (Embody). Authentic leadership isn’t about being louder or flashier—it’s about showing up as the truest version of yourself and inspiring others to do the same, enabling you to build trust and create impact along the way. So, as you think about the leadership playlist you’re building for the year, ask yourself: If you’re leveling up this year, curate your own leadership playlist. It’ll be more effective—and fulfilling—than playing someone else’s. What’s the first step you’re committing to today?
3 Steps for Less Stressful Year End Performance Convos
If thinking about performance conversations makes you want to crawl into the fetal position, fear not. I’ve got you covered. First, know you’re not alone. If you polled 10 people, I bet most would say they don’t look forward to the year-end performance conversation. And it’s not hard to see why. Managers worry about not knowing what to say, dealing with disagreement, getting questions they can’t answer, or not having enough info to give a fair evaluation. On the flip side, employees have their own concerns. Maybe they feel like they won’t have a real voice in the discussion, aren’t comfortable pushing back, think the feedback isn’t fair, or suspect their manager doesn’t really get what they do. It can feel like a high-stakes meeting before you’ve even scheduled it! Here are three things that can help: 1. Think About What Makes These Conversations Actually Work You want to walk away feeling good about the discussion – and so does your employee. Here’s what that looks like: If you’ve been having regular one-on-ones, this should mostly feel like a recap. No big surprises because you’ve been talking about this stuff all year. Think of it as a chance to really dig into what they’re proud of, what drove them crazy, and what they want to tackle next year. Ask questions, share what you’ve noticed, offer to help, and remember, it’s a conversation, not a lecture. 2. Watch Out for the Three D’s Got some tough feedback to deliver? Employee not buying what you’re saying? Don’t panic. Just avoid these three pitfalls: Get curious, ask questions, and be honest but kind. Paint a clear picture of what success looks like going forward, and end on a positive note by offering your support. 3. Don’t Skip the Career Chat! You know what comes up in pretty much every engagement survey? People feel like there is no career path or development. Use this time to talk about where the employee wants to go. You’re not responsible for mapping out their whole career (that’s on them), but you can definitely help brainstorm training options, skills to build, or paths they hadn’t thought about. You can read more about the career conversation here if you missed it previously! Finally, remember: Yes, building relationships with your team is a huge part of your job. And you don’t have to nail it perfectly every time. Forget something important? Have a new thought after sleeping on it? Realize you could have been clearer? Just schedule another chat. Try these: When you do this, you’re showing that you care about the dialogue. It builds engagement and paves the way for future conversations. So, while your colleagues are in the fetal position prior to these meetings, you’ll be kicking back, enjoying your PSL, and looking forward to the discussion. ☕️
26 Questions to Transform your 1-1 Meetings
Do your 1:1s feel like a checkbox exercise? Are you walking away from these conversations, wondering if they really made a difference? (Or canceling them because they feel like a waste of time?) You’re not alone—and it doesn’t have to be this way. It’s All in the Questions Asking more questions can transform a routine check-in into a powerful tool for engagement, growth, and mutual understanding. Here’s the catch: you don’t need to have all the answers ready. Your role is to listen, understand, and partner with your team members to create their ideal work environment. While there is no single “right” question, here are 26 to help you get started and build your Question Library: 🤝 Building Authentic Connections 🔥 Understanding Motivators 📈 Fostering Development 🚀 Supporting Career Growth 💡 Pro Tip: Handling Tough Conversations When faced with requests you can’t fulfill, don’t dodge the conversation. When an employee requests something that is unlikely to happen, try: “I hear how important this is to you. While we can’t make this specific change right now, I’m committed to finding other ways to support you. What else could make a meaningful difference?” Great 1:1s aren’t about having all the answers—they’re about: Remember: The goal isn’t perfection. It’s progress, understanding, and creating an environment where both you and your team can do your best work.
4 Tips to Make Career Discussions More Effective
Last week, I offered different ways to think about career development. This week, I’m sharing a framework and scripts to (hopefully) make your life easier and help you support your team. Let’s jump in. It’s often a misconception that career development requires extensive time and effort. In reality, you can have meaningful, impactful discussions about career growth in as little as 5-10 minutes (yes, really!) The key is consistency and focus. If you can regularly have these conversations with your employees, you’ll be able to foster growth and engagement without the big, scary “career discussions.” Here’s a few ways to make those conversations efficient and effective: 1. Check-in Now is a good time to begin if you haven’t had a career conversation recently (or ever). Start with the big picture and then narrow the focus to shorter-term goals that serve the long-term goal. For instance: These questions help establish a foundation for future discussions and give you insight into the employee’s ambitions. You don’t have to have all the answers… you’re really just gathering information and starting to formulate ideas about how you can help the employee. If this is the first career conversation, it’s best to allocate 30-60 minutes for it. Once you’ve had this one, the rest will be much shorter. Remember, you’re building a foundation here! If you’ve started discussions with employees about their career growth, your check-in questions will be different. Why? Because these questions will help you track their progress, identify roadblocks, and give you insight into where you can support them. For instance: 2. Discovery The discovery phase is about digging deeper. The more questions you ask, the more that will come to light for you and the employee. : Sample questions to facilitate discovery may include: Remember, the goal is to gather information and help the employee gain clarity about their desires and potential paths forward. 3. Action Planning Now, you can help employees create a roadmap based on previous discussions. Partner with them to create one to three action steps they can take in service of their goals. Because a decision without action is just an intention! For instance: 4. Sample Action Plan Goal: Improve public speaking skillsAction: Volunteer to present at the next team meetingTimeline: Next team meeting (2 weeks from now)Support: 30-minute coaching session with manager to review presentationAccountability: Share the presentation outline with a peer for feedback By following this framework, you can turn brief, regular conversations into powerful tools for career development. The key is consistency. Integrating career conversations into the regular cadence of your employee discussions makes career growth easier and more efficient for you and the employee.