What if Anxiety isn’t the Enemy?
Imagine something powerful enough to… Wanna hazard a guess as to what it is? If you guessed anxiety, you’d be right. And these are just a few examples of what it can look like when we let anxiety run the show. In today’s work environment world, there is no shortage of reasons we might be anxious. Some of us are also naturally wired that way. 🙋🏻♀️ It can be paralyzing and all-consuming. So it’s not surprising that so many of us try to run from it. Years ago, I worked with a leader who, out of the blue, started to freeze up in a leadership meeting. But it was only one meeting in particular that seemed to cause the reaction in her. She would get flushed. Feel intense knots in her stomach. And sometimes lose the ability to speak. Despite focusing several coaching sessions on it, she could not identify what was different about this one meeting, why this was happening, or what to do about it. (And trust me, I tried every tool in my toolbox!) Because she could anticipate this response, she was afraid of the anxiety and resisted it at every turn. And since anxiety is a consistent little bugger, she found herself with that inward focus, paralyzed, and with thoughts that were grounded in nothing tangible or ‘real.’ But what if we viewed anxiety as fuel vs. something to be feared? I once heard David Rosmarin speak on befriending anxiety, and he offered this reframe, which I found helpful. Because it turns out, anxiety has many benefits. Here’s what I wish I’d had insight into when I was working with that client: According to Rosmarin, a Harvard psychologist, anxiety can sharpen our awareness because it signals to us that we have to ‘do something’ or ‘perform.’ In this way, we become more attuned to our words, actions, body language, etc. He calls this ‘exposure therapy’. Another benefit that I had not considered but that makes total sense is that if we can embrace the anxiety and allow ourselves to be (appropriately) vulnerable, it can help us strengthen teams by enabling us to connect with others in a very human way. (Which means, it’s ok to not have all the answers and it’s ok to let the team know this.) If you’re going to hold a leadership role, you’re not going to escape the occasional late night, mad dash preparation for a big presentation or project launch. You will feel nervous and probably uncomfortable. Here again, if you can learn to tolerate the discomfort anxiety brings, and leverage it, you can use the energy to surge you forward. Finally, how we approach someone else’s anxiety can also strengthen our leadership. What we resist, persists. So, trying to sweep someone else’s anxiety under the rug diminishes our leadership. Rosmarin suggests that we can support people through validating their experience and praising them for what they’re doing well. Remember, from a physiological standpoint, anxiety and excitement are two sides of the same coin – butterflies in the stomach, dry mouth, racing heart, etc. So heads or tails, it’s your choice.
We’re on a Cross-Country Road Trip. Without a Map.
Once, a Head of Marketing told me he had to report on every nuance of how his group is leveraging AI to get the work done. To the board. Not his direct manager. Not the CEO. The board. When I asked if this was normal, the response was “Definitely not normal. We went from ‘Engage with AI with caution’ to ‘Use AI for everything. Why aren’t you doing more with AI? Almost overnight.”’ Where leaders have always had to worry about budget and headcount, now you can add AI to the mix – how it integrates with the existing team and workstreams, and possibly, how it can reduce headcount. Employees see this too, so now, in addition to questioning the longevity of your job, you probably have team members who are anxious about their jobs. And they expect you to have the answers. I am not immune to this. The future AI is creating is unclear, even for many of those at the forefront of the technology. I have my moments where I wonder whether AI will outpace me before I’m ready to retire. (I don’t think so, though I do think, like everyone, I will be called upon to look at the work differently.) I saw a quote from Dharmesh Shah (founder of HubSpot) that gave me pause. “What bigger problem could I be solving if AI handled the parts of my job I shouldn’t be doing anyway?” We are all being asked to lead in ways that feel new and therefore uncomfortable. And so in many ways, this is no different than Covid, the arrival of the internet, and other events that changed the way we work. We’re all navigating this new world without a map. The question is how do you find your way personally when the old routes don’t get you where you’re going?
Your ‘helping’ isn’t helping.
“I’m picking up a lot of the extra work because I feel bad asking my team to take it on.” The leader who said this genuinely thought she was helping and doing the right thing to protect her team from burnout. A place she had already arrived at and was well ensconced in. She’s not alone. Here are examples of client situations where people honestly and truly had the best intentions. All of these actions were taken with the best of intentions. On the surface, the motivations driving them may look different: competence, protection, guilt. But underneath, they all share the same root cause: a desire to control outcomes. Which, if we’re being honest (or kind to ourselves), is really just a form of self-protection. As a leader, you’re the ringmaster. Your job is to make sure the show goes according to plan. It’s not to jump in and perform everyone else’s acts. When we step in, we tell ourselves we’re “helping.” Sometimes this is true. Often, it’s not. For those of us afraid to fail 🙋🏻♀️ giving up control to someone else is hard, even if we’re not consciously thinking of it that way. When we hold too tightly to outcomes, we deny people the dignity to struggle, to learn, to build new skills – and the gift of failure (as scary as that can be for you and them!) But if you think back on your career… When did you learn the most? If you’re like me, probably the times when things didn’t go as planned. Like the times I face-planted, or had to try new approaches outside my comfort zone. (Ew!) I don’t think this is a moral failing on your part or mine. For most of us, it’s self-protection and hardwiring. If we weren’t taught otherwise, this becomes our default. I am a self-professed control freak and I am here to tell you, there’s an upside to giving up control. You take things off your plate. Have time for thinking and reflection. And others get a chance to stretch their wings and grow. Win-win. This week, when you find yourself wanting to ‘help’, try asking: do you need to vent, or do you actually need me to do something? The answer might surprise you.
Friction Is a Leadership Choice
My team and I have been talking about what it means to be “relationship first” in the business. How can we minimize friction, make things easier for clients, and create the kind of experience people talk about and want to come back to? When you read “relationship first” did your mind immediately go to people outside of your business? If yes, you’re probably not alone. We all have internal “clients.” Colleagues. Direct reports. Managers. Stakeholders. And anyone else who relies on you to show up in a way that makes their job easier, not harder. Friction is expensive. While most of the friction we might create isn’t intentional, it does have an impact. And it’s often the small things: slow follow-ups, cryptic messages that are hard to decipher, dropping the ball, not offering enough support or context, overcomplicating something that could have been simple. 🙋🏻♀️ “Relationship first,” doesn’t mean being nice or endlessly accommodating. It does mean looking for opportunities to reduce drag in the system so people can do their jobs without navigating around an additional obstacle. → You. Now I say this with no judgment. I am the biggest obstacle in my own business, hands down. Which is why, at a team meeting, I wanted to talk about what it means to have a “relationship first” business. Because leadership is a series of micro-interactions and each one either creates friction… or removes it. If this all feels taxing to you, here’s a simple question you could try asking. Almost zero effort on your part. It just requires you to pause and remember to ask. “What would make this easier for you?” That question alone builds trust, shows people that you’re interested, and reminds them that you’re there to help. The external reputation of the business will always reflect the internal experience. And the same holds true for you, even if you’re internal. → If it’s frictionless inside, it shows outside. If it’s chaotic inside, it leaks outside… This isn’t a client service strategy (although it could be.) It’s a leadership strategy. Your call to action is to step back and evaluate where you might be causing friction. What could you do to reduce it?
Leadership Lesson I Learned the Hard Way
If you had a do-over in your career, what’s one thing you’d do differently? I was at a conference a couple of weeks ago and the moderator asked the CHRO being interviewed this question. And of course it got me thinking… There are many things I’d do differently when it comes to managing my career. But if I had a do-over in terms of something I wish I could take back, it was that one time I delivered a performance review and didn’t do it well. The issue was that I knew going in that the employee and I were on different pages about whether or not he should get promoted. And in preparing for the discussion, I didn’t stop to consider the best way to deliver the news. Truly, it was decades ago, and I still cringe when I think about it. I can’t change what transpired, but I can change how I think about it (click here if you missed the recent post on self-compassion.) And I can change how I show up moving forward. Instead of cringing, I can have compassion for my younger self — the one who was doing the best she could with the tools she had at the time — and offer her a little grace. If I had a do-over, I’d have talked through my strategy with someone else before the meeting and changed the way I delivered the information. I’m actually grateful for how poorly I handled it and for the awareness it created. I never made that same mistake again. Which is why the Values and Identity dimensions of the Leadership Fluency™ Framework matter so much. There’s plenty of research on the role that identity and values play in leadership, but here’s how I see it: Identity is about making a conscious decision (because it is a choice!) about how we want to show up — the kind of presence, energy, and integrity we bring into the room regardless of what’s going on around us. Values are our guardrails. They drive our decisions, boundaries, and behavior when things get spicy. (And if we’re feeling crappy, there’s a good chance it’s because our values are being tested in some way.) Had I known about this way back when, I would have done things differently. Fortunately, Future Me is well informed. What’s something you wish you could do over? And what would you do differently now, knowing what you know about yourself?
Why Treating Yourself Better Improves Your Leadership Impact
“By giving ourselves unconditional kindness and comfort while embracing the human experience, difficult as it is, we avoid destructive patterns of fear, negativity, and isolation.” – Kristin Neff I’ve been thinking a lot about self-compassion lately. (And yes, I know. Those two words can make most high-achievers itch.) Kristin Neff, who’s spent years researching this, says that self-compassion isn’t about letting yourself off the hook. It’s about treating yourself with the same care and understanding you’d offer anyone else who’s struggling. Simple, not easy. Most leaders I know are fluent in accountability but are barely “conversational” when it comes to grace. They’ll stumble in a meeting and immediately launch into a full-blown internal performance review. No one else has to say a word. That voice in your head, however, is not making you better. It’s just making you more tired. Neff’s research shows that self-compassion actually increases resilience, motivation, and problem-solving. Which makes sense. When you stop beating yourself up, you free up energy for, well, anything useful. In Leadership Fluency™ terms, this is the inner maintenance work: mindset, identity, values, wellbeing, and connection. Because how you talk to yourself and how you treat yourself directly affects how you show up for everyone else. If you’re wondering how to do this, fear not! You don’t have to turn into a walking affirmation machine. Start small. This isn’t a one-and-done skill. It’s more like brushing your teeth. Small, consistent action and oh so important. And if you’re rolling your eyes right now, that’s fine. That’s just the overachiever in you trying to stay in control. (Hi, I see you.) The courage to be kind to yourself is strategic. It’s what keeps you steady enough to do the rest of the hard work.
Signs You’ve Outgrown Your Leadership Space (and What to Do Next)
Have you ever sat in a leadership meeting, listened to the conversation around you, and thought, “This doesn’t work for me anymore”? Not in a dramatic, Honey Boo Boo, storm-out-of-the-room kind of way. More like a quiet awareness that seeps in: what used to feel energizing, or at least productive, now feels stagnant or off. It’s not that you’re “too good” for the room. It’s more likely that you’ve grown, and the space (and the people in it) haven’t kept pace. When you get to know yourself and honor what matters—values, identity, mindset—you start leading with more clarity and intention. You make different decisions. And that can make the room you’re in feel misaligned. Here’s how you know it might be happening to you: And also a powerful one, because awareness gives you options. Here are four ways to move forward if you’ve outgrown the room you’re in: And if you’re not sure yet, that’s OK too. Just don’t confuse “not sure” with “I’ll stick it out another year and see.” One is reflection. The other is fear or denial. A few questions to sit with: Remember, outgrowing a room isn’t a crisis. It’s an opportunity.
3 Lessons From Public Speaking
Let me tell you about my time at Speech Mastery “camp” with a group of strangers. Initially, they were all strangers, but after only a few sessions those strangers had become friends. The psychological safety the facilitators created was so strong, we all felt it the moment we walked back into the room. And the joy we felt when we watched one of our colleagues completely transform was palpable. It was a reminder of how fast real connection and growth can happen in the right environment. Here are three takeaways from another intense session of learning stagecraft. 1. What’s in service to your audience? When you’re on stage, everything should be about the audience. The challenge is, human nature tends to have the non-professional actors among us defaulting to thoughts like, “OMG, I hope they like me,” “Please, please, please let me nail this presentation,” or “They look bored. Are they bored? OMG I’m boring!” You get the idea. We make it about us. And when we do that, we’re no longer engaging with the audience, we’re focused inward. That doesn’t make for a compelling performance, whether you’re in the boardroom or on a Broadway stage. The same holds true in leadership. When clients are preparing for challenging conversations, most of their energy goes into what to say, how to say it, and how to get the outcome they want (usually something like, “so they won’t get mad at me”). But if you shift your focus to the other person, consider what would be most helpful to them, and craft your message accordingly, the whole dynamic changes. Try it and see what happens. And then I double dog dare you to let me know what happens. I’d love to hear. 2. The amount you can push an audience is proportionate to how much they trust you. Who knew theater had so much to teach us about leadership? If I want to challenge an audience with something provocative, I can’t do that effectively if I haven’t built trust first. Without it, they’ll tune out, feel offended, or worst case, judge me. (See above: “OMG I hope they like me!” 😂) The same applies to leading others. If you haven’t built trust with your team, it’s going to be harder for them to hear tough feedback, take ownership of what needs to change, or speak up when something isn’t working. You already know this, but I take great pride in my title as Queen of the Obvious. Trust is earned, not given. What are you doing to build it this week? 3. “The fear of recognition that I can do more.” This was a direct quote from a classmate during a debrief. It was also my “oh shit” moment. Because she was right. I can do more. So can you. The real question is, do you want to? And what’s getting in your way? I’ll go out on a limb here and say it’s probably fear. If that wasn’t your answer, keep digging. I’m 99% sure fear is under there somewhere. Awareness is the first step. And it’s okay if fear, or something else, is in the mix. The real question is, what are you going to do about it? If your answer is “nothing,” that’s a choice, so be intentional about it. But if your answer is “nothing” because you’re too afraid to try something different, then I’m inviting you to step into a bigger, braver, more courageous version of yourself. Future you will thank you.
Why Leaders Struggle to Delegate (And How to Fix It)
Delegation gets a bad rap. Mostly because so many of us stink at it. (Hey, just calling it like I see it!) You know what I see? Leaders who are completely overwhelmed, possibly resentful, and still holding on to the work because they think it’s “just quicker” to do it themselves. If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. But let’s not pretend it’s working to your advantage. To be fair, sometimes it IS quicker to do it yourself than to spend the time explaining what you want, answering ALL the questions, (or stressing out that there weren’t ANY questions), making sure it’s getting done, and “risking” that the results will be different than if you had done it yourself. (From one who is super particular – I hear you!) The challenge is, if you don’t delegate… And that’s just the downsides for you! Let’s talk about your team. They are now underutilized and disengaged. They miss out on opportunities for growth. They don’t get a chance to showcase their skill sets and use their brains. They get resentful. They begin to assume you’ll just always pick up the slack, so why bother trying? Delegation is not about handing off tasks and hoping for the best. It’s a skill. A strategic, intentional act that requires planning, communication, and trust. It’s also one of the best ways to expand your impact without expending unnecessary energy. Here’s what ineffective delegation usually looks like: Sound familiar? (And no judgment if it does… I’ve been there too.) Now contrast that with intentional delegation. That sounds like: Does it take more time up front? Yup. Does it pay you back in time, trust, and actual team development? Hell, yes! Delegation done well builds: If you’re always the busiest person on your team, ask yourself whether that’s because no one else can handle the work, or because you haven’t made space for them to try. Your call to action: Leadership isn’t about doing it all. It’s about creating an environment where everyone has the opportunity to grow and flourish, and you plug people into tasks and projects that align with their skills, interests, and job responsibilities. And you get to breathe a little easier. So let go. Just a little. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Your future self (the one with a reasonable calendar and a thriving team) will thank you.
3 Leadership Lessons from a Speaking Intensive
Recently, I did something that seriously pushed me to my outer edges. I spent three full days in a room full of people I didn’t know, at a speech mastery program, getting up on stage (repeatedly!) to practice in front of them. Me, practicing with my cohort. If, like me, you’re a serious introvert, you know how much energy this took. So this wasn’t just a speaking challenge – it was a full-on shock to my nervous system. Me and 30 others, with no “wing-Mann.” (Did you see what I did there?) 🙂 And yet… It was a tremendous experience. I walked away with far more than just performance techniques for a better keynote. Here are three takeaways from getting out of my comfort zone: 1. Habit Isn’t the Same as Intention We spent the better part of a day reviewing and practicing “operative words” in our speeches – the words we want to emphasize to make an idea pop. Turns out, what we accentuate in everyday conversation often isn’t what lands best from a stage. For example, in real life, I might say: “My dad lived an hour away from me and in the opposite direction of the hospital where he was being treated.” But from the stage, that same sentence works better with different emphasis: “My dad lived an hour away from me and in the opposite direction of the hospital where he was being treated.” Subtle? Yes. But more powerful. To be more effective on stage, I have to kick old speech habits to the curb and become more intentional with my language. And this is true for leadership, too. How often have you gone into a meeting underprepared, or been caught off guard by a tough question, and sputtered out whatever came to mind? It’s a common (and habitual!) response. But the most impactful leaders pause, get centered, and respond with intention. 2. It’s OK to Suck Okay, “suck” might be strong. (But it got your attention, right? I was being intentional!) 🙂 The fact is, no one got up on stage and nailed it out of the gate. We were all practicing new ideas and techniques in real time to craft more impactful stories. What made it easier was that we were all in the same boat, which helped to take egos out of the equation. We were a room full of professionals committed to getting better. Experience, titles, hierarchies, and the size of paychecks were non-existent. And critically, the facilitators created a space of real psychological safety. There was zero shaming or critique, just honest and thoughtful feedback in service of growth. Leaders take note: if you want people to take risks, try new approaches, and stretch into something bigger, you’ll need to build that kind of container too. 3. Small Shifts Create Big Gains I’ve said this before, and it bears repeating: a big impact doesn’t require a big overhaul. Over and over again, I watched colleagues radically shift their stage presence literally in minutes just by shifting where they stood, which words they emphasized, or what they did with their arms. So if you’ve been told you need to adjust your style, rather than getting overwhelmed by the idea of a total reinvention, start small. Pick one or two behaviors to play with. Then do a gut check: Where, if anywhere, do I feel a shift in my body, clarity, or confidence? Start there, see what happens, and adjust accordingly. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. This isn’t just true for speaking. It’s true for leadership and life. Whether you’re stepping onto a literal stage, navigating a high-stakes leadership moment, or just trying to get through Tuesday, the lesson holds: Growth doesn’t happen in your comfort zone. But your comfort zone can expand if you choose to stretch it.