Busy is just a place to hide.
Have you ever had a situation where you felt stuck, but the real issue was that you didn’t want to acknowledge a truth you already knew? This uncomfortable reality hit home for a client in a recent coaching session. He realized he was working very hard to stay busy because it meant he didn’t have to face difficult decisions. He knows what he wants. He knows what he needs to do to get what he wants. He doesn’t want to do what he needs to do. Underneath it all, fear is what’s holding my client back, and what holds most of us back. Fear is a pesky little bugger, isn’t it? Fear of being wrong. Fear of what others will think. Fear of hurting someone else. Fear of disrupting the norm. Insert your own fear here. We have the capacity to handle whatever life throws at us, even if it doesn’t always feel that way. Years ago, I watched a friend go on the Alzheimer’s journey with her mother. I remember thinking, “There is no way I could do that.” Not long after, I walked through cancer with my dad. Mine and his, at the same time. (I’m ok, by the way.) If you’d told me in advance that you were coming, I would have said the exact same thing I said about my friend: there is no way I could do that. But I didn’t get an advance memo, and so I did it. Not always gracefully, and often with a heavy heart, but I did it. Before that, I was in a job that felt untenable and unsustainable. So I quit because I didn’t see another way out at the time, and staying there was going to put me in an early grave. SO.MUCH.FEAR. But I did it. And here I am, 11 years later, to tell you about it. You may not have the experience that is amping up your level of fear, but you have the capacity for whatever is in front of you.
The Rule You Don’t Know You’re Following
It’s story time! I’m listening to my client talk about how she is going to position an ask to her CEO. It’s diplomatic, smart, and strategic. It’s also hedging. I call this out to her. Along with a pattern I’ve noticed: she spends a lot of time and energy crafting her messages so they land “just right.” She just pauses and laughs. “Yup. I do.” So I ask the next (obvious to me) question, “What’s the unwritten rule you’re following here that suggests you need to placate and people-please?” She shares with me that nearly 20 years ago, when she was early in her career, a senior leader saw her ambition as a threat and then did everything possible to make life difficult for my client. At which point, my client decides to “lead from behind” so that people see her as supportive and less threatening. She unconsciously adopts a rule that she needs to “manage how she’s viewed” to be successful. She’s left the job and the company. The scars and habits remain. That rule might have made sense at that time, in that role. But now she’s operating on a 1.0 OS, and her current role requires an upgrade to 2.0. Her nervous system is still trying to hold onto the old OS. She can’t see it in real time because it’s so ingrained in her. But when I call it out, she knows instantly what it is and where it’s from. And she makes a new decision operating off a new rule. To say the thing she needs to say, and put a period at the end of her statement. Without tacking on the placating, people-pleasing language to try to appease the CEO. This really hit home for her when I asked how she planned to protect the time leading up to her wedding. She shared her approach. Guess what? Same pattern of crafting a statement that sounds like it’s asking for permission. Her takeaway? Tell the CEO she will be unavailable while she’s out for her wedding. Without all the explanations and qualifiers. In my client’s case, the origins of the rule are traceable. But not all of them are. Like the rule I used to have (ok, still sometimes have!) that asking for help from others is imposing on them, and so my inclination is to figure things out on my own. Usually, this results in a massive headache from banging my head against a brick wall. The rule isn’t the problem. But not knowing you’re following it is. Your call to action depends on your rules. If you know the rule you’re following, think about what you want your new rule to be and what that looks like in action. If you suspect you have unwritten rules but aren’t sure what they are, your call to action is to look for the places where you feel stuck. What’s getting in your way? I guarantee you there is a rule in there somewhere.
The Most Expensive Sentence in Leadership
“That’s just who I am, and I’m not going to change that.” I was talking to a coaching client, and this is one of the first things he said to me. The goal for coaching was to support an already strong leader in engaging his team differently. He knew he needed to change something, but he just wasn’t sure what. And he knew there were some aspects of his personality he was uncomfortable letting go of. It came down to him deciding where he was open to flexing his natural style and where he wasn’t. He was not willing to forgo his directness, but he determined that being more curious, intentionally asking more questions, and offering less directive feedback would help him be more effective with one employee in particular. Holding on to his natural preferences had served him well for a long time and afforded him several promotions over the years. But he was unintentionally diminishing his leadership brand and efficacy by holding on to ingrained habits. It’s annoying AF, but sadly, the things that support us getting to a certain level of proficiency or rank in the organization often become the same traits that hold us back from developing further. So like my client above, when we say “My style is…” it’s like saying “These are the limits to my leadership.” This is what Brian Lowery (Stanford University professor) calls The Authenticity Trap. “This is just who I am.” costs us. When we hold fast to it, we cut off options that might be available to us, and we send signals to the team and the organization that we might not intend to send about our ability to grow and stretch. Leadership requires versatility. (Says she, Queen of the Obvious.) Different contexts require distinct approaches. When we put a stake in the ground for how we show up, we set a boundary and honor who we are. Yay us! Setting boundaries! In some cases, however, we might also be hitting a ceiling if we can’t find a way to honor ourselves while extending beyond our boundaries, and exploring different approaches. There is value to staying authentic. And sometimes it costs us. So, how do you balance being true to yourself, while also adjusting to what the context requires of you to be most effective?”
You’ve Been Misdiagnosed
If you asked me for a report or some analysis, and I offered the data to you on a CD-ROM, you would most likely raise an eyebrow, and appropriately so. The technology is outdated and makes no sense in today’s digital and AI-forward world. So why are we still using outdated internal operating systems? People come into coaching usually having been given feedback about their leadership that they don’t know how to change: leadership presence, delegation, emotional regulation, etc. For instance, the leader who came in thinking her issue was delegation. But really, the thing that made her successful for so long – always being one step ahead and never asking for help – was now holding her back. That’s not a delegation problem. That’s a misdiagnosed identity problem running on an old O.S. I went on a treasure hunt and unearthed nearly 10 years’ worth of client data → intake forms, pre-call forms, post-call forms, coaching exit conversations, client texts, and emails. You know what I found? Of the hundreds of clients I’ve coached over thousands of hours, no one ever came to coaching with the correct “diagnosis” of what they really needed to change. They started coaching with the notion that the “problem” was external – the feedback, the team, their boss, the role, a skill gap, etc. When they finished coaching, they realized they had the answers all along, they just couldn’t see them yet. While the specific answers are different from person to person, the overarching theme is the same: their operating system needed an update. If this sounds familiar, where might you have misdiagnosed yourself?
“My brain is like a Muppet on acid.”
“My brain is like a Muppet on acid.” The above quote from a client – Head of HR – upon showing up for a coaching session. Mind you, the client in question looked completely put together. She definitely did not look like a Muppet on acid. Was she challenged that day? Sure. And, despite how she was feeling, she hadn’t lost her sense of humor and ability to pause and check in with herself. Virtually every client I’ve ever worked with has expressed some version of this (though maybe not as colorfully!) I’m exhausted on their behalf. It’s draining to maintain composure on the outside while you are running on fumes and your insides are churning. If you are currently in Muppet-mode right now (do we think I could trademark that? 🤔), here are two thoughts for you. First, you are in really good company. That alone I realize does not mitigate the blender that is currently your brain, but maybe it helps to know that you’re not the only one? When I started to realize that everyone experienced the same struggles in some fashion, and it wasn’t just me, that somehow put the blender on a lower speed. You can also check out my previous note → don’t forget to breathe. Second, take the acid trip as a sign that something is off and needs readjusting. Your nervous system is trying to tell you something. If I had a crystal ball, I’d just tell you what it was. But I don’t, so I can’t. This one is all you. So take everyone else out of the equation, forget about other people’s needs, wants, and expectations of you. Give yourself a quiet five minutes and ask yourself these three questions: Start there and see what happens. If all else fails, phone a friend. Tripping alone is no fun (so I’ve heard…) 🙂
Your Filters Are Broken
Picture this: You’re sitting in an All Hands. A senior leader mentions their top 10 business books. Your colleague texts you 3 podcast recommendations. There’s an HBR newsletter with 7 articles in your inbox, you have 48 browser tabs open, and a stack of “TBR” books are mocking you from your nightstand. Your first thought: “Great, these resources will help me level up.” Your second thought: “When exactly am I supposed to get through all this?” The second thought is the one that wreaks havoc on your confidence and makes you question whether you suck at your job. Because, obviously, the authors and podcasters have it all figured out while you’re still scrambling. Reminder: You don’t suck at leadership. But your filters are broken. About 15 years ago, Clay Shirky challenged the idea of information overload. His point: we’ve always had more information than we could consume. The problem isn’t the volume. It’s that our filtering systems can’t keep up. → Filter failure. Publishers used to do the filtering for us – they decided what was worth printing because it was expensive to print. Now, anyone can publish anything, which means we have to filter for ourselves. Most of us are terrible at it. If you’re drowning in tabs, articles, and podcasts, here are four ways to filter what you consume: 1. Values-based filtering: Before you read/listen to anything, ask, “Does this align with what matters most to me?” If your core value is connection, stop reading productivity hacks about eliminating meetings. 2. Identity-based filtering: Ask, “Does this fit who I want to be as a leader?” If you’re building toward being a decisive leader, stop consuming endless content about consensus-building. 3. Knowledge filtering: Leaders overconsume when they don’t trust what they already know. Most of what you’re reading is confirming what you already know or believe. You don’t need more input. Lead with what you’ve got. 4. Strategic elimination filtering: There are only so many hours in a week (168 to be precise). If something doesn’t support your top three priorities this week, month, or quarter, it doesn’t make the cut. Full stop. Fix your filters, and watch the overwhelm start to ease. Pick one to try. See what happens.
Everyone Needs a Big F’ing Exhale
Raise your hand if you’re exhausted. 🙋🏻♀️ Politically, we’re tapped out or tuned out. Personally, we’re stretched. Professionally, we’re walking a tightrope called “work/life balance.” And most of us are telling people we’re “fine.” We’re not fine. Nobody is. Everyone’s walking around holding their breath, waiting for something else to go sideways. You can’t control what’s happening around you. But you can control how you show up in the middle of it. You don’t need another productivity hack. You need to breathe. Here are three things you can try that don’t require a project plan or a Gantt chart. Name the reality: Leaders who acknowledge the weight people are carrying give their teams permission to be human. You don’t have to solve it. Just say it: “I know everyone’s carrying a lot right now.” Model the behavior: You can’t give your team permission to breathe if you’re white-knuckling everything yourself. Take the PTO. Leave at 5pm. Stop emailing at midnight. Tell people you’re also figuring this out. Leadership isn’t about being invincible. Check out this link if you need more ideas on cultivating broader wellbeing. Create space for others: Not every conversation needs to be productive. Sometimes the most important thing you can do is slow down, check in, and let people think out loud. You don’t have to fix what they share. Just listen. This is Leadership Fluency™ in action – showing up as a human while still moving the work forward. Different situations need different approaches. What worked last year might not work now. If you’re barely hanging on, you’re not alone. And you don’t have to have it all figured out. Permission to breathe, granted.
Please allow me to introduce myself…
“… I’m a Mann of wealth and taste.” – The Rolling Stones (Did you see what I did there? 🙂) Do you know someone who looks great on paper but is working way too hard, exhausting themselves and their team in the process? I bet you do! (Maybe it’s even you?) Hi, I’m Sarah! 🙋🏻♀️ I work with senior leaders who struggle to delegate, overthink decisions, and over-prepare for everything. They’re exhausting themselves and their teams because they don’t fully trust their own judgment. I help them ditch the doubt and lead with confidence and ease. How? → Through individual and group coaching, team development, and organizational programs that build sustainable leadership. My services guide is here, and my coaching philosophy is here. Sarah, why are you telling me this? I’m so glad you asked! Here’s why: OK, enough about me! Let’s talk about you! Enough About Me Seriously, when was the last time you reintroduced yourself at work? I don’t mean reminding people where you live, your job title and your kids’ names (though there’s nothing wrong with that.) How do you help people understand who you are today? You are not the same person you were a year ago or 10 years ago. Tell people the projects you enjoy, or what your superpower is. If you need help, I have some prompts for you below. Remember above where I said I’m not one for self-promotion? Well, that may also apply to you. So, really, when was the last time you re-introduced yourself? To your manager, your peers, stakeholders, team, or clients? Here are a few reasons to consider it: Many people say they hate self-promotion. Been there! But if you don’t prioritize yourself, no one else will. And you can do it in a non-cringey way. There is no right or wrong way to do this. What you choose to share with people will be driven by your personal situation, organization, tenure, etc. Here are a few script ideas to get you started. Who are you going to re-introduce yourself to? 🙂
3 Ways to Get Out of a Mental Funk
There are days when a funk settles in and won’t budge. I find myself stuck there sometimes. But… I remind myself that I have choices. I can keep fighting it and resisting how I feel, wallowing in my funkiness. Or, I can take action. Because I know that at the root of my challenge is actually not a thing or a person or a situation. It’s “cognitive distortions” – a story my brain is telling me. Our brains like to jump to conclusions, fill in the blanks, and then create a narrative for us that feels true, even if there is no supporting evidence. Sort of like a trailer for a movie that is certain never to hit the theaters. If you find yourself in a mental spiral that won’t quit, here are three steps that help me: 1. Label your emotions – Research* tells us that getting more specific with our emotions helps the brain regulate better. “I feel crappy” might be true, but it’s not useful. It’s too vague. When everything gets labeled as “I’m stressed,” the brain defaults to the same coping strategy over and over. (For me, that’s sleep.) If I name the emotion more precisely — angry, frustrated, disappointed — I’m giving my brain better data about what might actually help. Sleeping doesn’t do much for my anger. Doing something physical often does. 2. Look for the truth – Not the truth your brain is inventing. The real one. Because most of the shit my brain comes up with is definitively not true. Three questions, lightly adapted from Byron Katie, that help me: The stories my brain conjures up fall apart pretty quickly when I’m forced to separate facts from assumptions. Cold, hard evidence has a way of puncturing a good doom spiral. 3. Keep your head where your feet are – This is mindfulness in plain English. When your brain is spiraling, it’s almost always time traveling — replaying the past or rehearsing the future. I find it helpful to bring myself back to the present with the reminder: At this moment, all is well. That doesn’t mean hard things aren’t coming. It just means they aren’t happening right now. And that alone can calm the nervous system enough to take the next step. Funky days happen. The choice is what we do once we notice we’re in one. If today is one of those days for you, try one of these steps and see what shifts.
Self-Reliance Is Overrated
As I was reflecting on career do-overs, my train of thought took me a few station stops up the line. In addition to situations I wish I could do-over, I started to think about what behaviors I would shift if I had a re-do on my career. Truly, there are many things I’d do differently (I now have such a different perspective on the adage “Youth is wasted on the young” but I digress…) If I had to pick one thing, though, it’s this: Ask for help. We all have life experiences that have shaped us and contribute to how we show up in the world. I was a latchkey kid and learned to be independent and self-reliant at an early age. Growing up, this worked out ok. As an adult in the workplace, this didn’t serve me. And it took me more time than I care to admit to figure that out. I was lonely. On top of that, I was physically exhausted from overworking, mentally tapped out from all the overthinking, and missing out on the collaboration that would’ve made the work better and my life easier. So I hobbled along, not asking for help. But I gotta say, self-reliance is overrated. It consistently kept me in my “Cycle of Doom” (see below). And it’s masked in many different ways. Do any of these thoughts sound familiar? While it seems harmless enough, the fallout is anything but. I’m here to tell you that asking for help is not… It is a sign of: We live in a relationship economy, and work gets done with and through other people. Ask for help when you need it. On behalf of your Future Self, thank you. 🙂