The Community I Keep Not Building
Here’s a nugget for you. I’ve been thinking about building an online leadership community. All year. And when I say ‘thinking about,’ what I really mean is: Excitement → research → overwhelm → do nothing. I’ve perfected this dance. Lather, rinse, repeat. For you, this might mean delaying a conversation, putting aside making a decision, or getting lost in analysis paralysis before giving the go ahead on a project. (And is vaguely bringing to mind the tabloid headline of “Celebrities! They’re just like us!” Not that I’m a celebrity…) But I digress. Here’s why I get hung up on overthinking: Please tell me it’s not just me? The challenge is that leadership (or running your own business) requires taking action that moves the business forward, often without full clarity. Or a crystal ball. Waiting “until the time is right” comes at a cost. Doing so means lost opportunity because you never tested the idea, credibility because your team or colleagues sense your hesitancy and lose confidence, and momentum because a ball not in motion is still a ball not in motion. The overthinking pattern is the same whether the stakes are low or high. You’re probably facing decisions that feel much more loaded and career-defining than my community idea. The mechanics of getting stuck? I’m guessing the pattern is the same. As far as my business goes, the decision to create a community is fairly “low stakes.” Yes, it has the potential to create all kinds of opportunities for me and others. And if I don’t do it, no one is losing their livelihood or their life. Here’s what I’m doing to help me break the cycle: Welcome to my “messy middle.” In today’s world, we don’t really have the luxury of “wait and see” (especially with how quickly AI is advancing and revolutionizing so much of the work.) This doesn’t mean rushing to check a box. It is about being intentional in creating momentum and forward progress. Full transparency: I wrote this as much for you as I did for me. This is my starting small, testing the idea. I want to build a community built on Leadership Fluency, designed to help you trust your instincts and lead with more clarity and ease. Your turn. Where are you hesitating and what’s one step forward you can take this week?
How to Build Confidence in Sharing Your Ideas and Stories
Three days. Thirty people. A whole lot of overlap. (And yes, if you’ve been following along, this is part three…part one is here and part two is here.) Over the course of nine days of class, I listened to my colleagues deliver their speeches. They came from sales, finance, functional medicine, skincare, engineering, you name it. Different industries, different life stories. And yet, the same themes kept surfacing again and again. At first, I wondered, “Does this mean my message isn’t unique enough?” Or thought “Well, they said it WAY better than I did.” What I realized over time was, in fact, the opposite: The overlap was proof that the ideas mattered. And even more importantly, the way each person said it, who they were, and who they were speaking to, made it land differently every time. It took me a long time to find my voice. Some days I’m still finding it. We hold back from sharing because we think, “This has been said before.” And it probably has. But just because someone else said it doesn’t mean it resonated across the board. There’s a lid for every pot. The words that don’t click coming from someone else might be exactly what someone needs to hear from you (or me!) 😊 Will people judge? Absolutely. That’s biology. What helps me to forge ahead are two things. And let’s be honest (yes, I know that is a standard AI ”tell” but I swear to you this is how I talk!), you judge too. When we hold back out of fear that it’s “already been said,” we deprive others of the chance to hear it in a way that could finally connect. We deprive ourselves of finding and having a voice. When you share, you make it possible for others to feel seen, to act, to grow. Michael Port is the founder of Heroic Public Speaking. On the second-to-last day of class, he said, “You need to fight for your ideas.” What’s an idea you have that’s worth fighting for this week, even if it’s been said before?
What to Do With Confusing Feedback
See if you can relate to this: You wrap up a presentation to the leadership team. Afterward, your manager pulls you aside and says: “Overall, you did a great job. But I’d like to see you improve your executive presence before we meet with them again next month. Otherwise, you’re doing awesome. I’ve got to run to my next meeting, let’s catch up later.” And, of course… “later” never comes. If that kind of vague drive-by “feedback” leaves you scratching your head (and maybe spiraling a little), you’re not alone. Despite decades of focus on “leadership development,” most of us are still pretty lousy when it comes to giving – and receiving – feedback. So, what do you do when the feedback you get feels confusing, incomplete, or just not useful or helpful in any way? I’ve got a few strategies for you. Comprehensive? Probably not. Helpful? Yup. 🙂 Remember: It’s a Data Point, Not Gospel Feedback isn’t an absolute truth – it’s information. And sometimes, it needs context before its true value becomes clear. Ask yourself: Is there anything in here that could be useful? Even if it stings a little? Call Out Your Reaction – (but use your “inside voice”) Feedback can activate a threat response. (Fun fact: studies show that simply hearing the word “feedback” can trigger a cortisol spike.) So, if you’re feeling defensive, annoyed, or panicked, know that’s pretty common and totally normal. Naming what you’re feeling, “Oof, I feel embarrassed,” or “That felt unfair” – can help shift your brain from threat mode to a more objective, grounded place. Research from Lisa Feldman Barrett, a neuroscientist at Northeastern University, suggests getting as granular as possible with your descriptions. So, rather than “mad, happy, sad, or glad,” shoot for words that are more descriptive, say, “irate, elated, disappointed, or contented.” More here if you really want to geek out on all things brain. Use the SCARF Model to Discern Your Reaction Once you’ve named the emotion, see if you can pinpoint why it stung. Was it a hit to your status? Your sense of certainty? Your autonomy? Understanding which part of SCARF (Status, Certainty, Autonomy, Relatedness, Fairness) got activated can help depersonalize the reaction, and give you some breathing room. Here’s a handy SCARF chart for you. Get Curious, Not Combative Think back to what you know about giving good feedback. Vague feedback isn’t helpful, so reverse-engineer it. Ask for specifics: Push gently for behavioral clarity – specific actions or language that signal stronger performance. That’s the kind of feedback you can actually work with. Buy Yourself Some Time If the feedback catches you off guard, it’s okay to pause. Try one of these: You don’t need to have an immediate reaction to prove you’re coachable. You just need to stay open and engaged. Flip the Lens Last week, we talked about how to give better feedback. This week, I’m inviting you to notice how even the most well-intentioned feedback can land sideways. So, if someone else needs time to process your input, give them grace. And if you need time to process theirs? Take it. It’s all part of leading with fluency. And… I’m giving a keynote in a few weeks (shameless plug – hit reply if you’ll be at the ME HR Conference!) One of the core points I’ll be making is this: How you show up every day is a choice. You may not be able to control what feedback you receive – or how it’s delivered – but you do get to choose how you take it in, make sense of it, and decide what to do with it. Your turn:What helps you navigate feedback that doesn’t quite land?
Why You Should Set Standards Instead of Goals
Here’s a secret: I’ve never been great with setting goals for myself. If it’s for you (or when I had a manager), no problem. Goals achieved! For me, not so much. I used to think I was the only one with this hangup, and turns out I’m not. (Phew!) The problem with goals is that they are outcome based (duh) which means they often depend on factors outside our control. They also don’t always align with our identity—who we see ourselves as, or our self-concept. In his book Atomic Habits, James Clear distinguishes between process-based and identity-based outcomes. He also says: “It’s hard to change your habits if you never change the underlying beliefs that led to your past behavior.” This is basically a reframe of what Einstein said, “We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.” If you want to level up and achieve new heights, you have to shift what you’ve done in the past. The real game-changer? Your standards. Standards are grounded in your self-concept and identity and shape how you show up every day. Over time, they become habits. Goals rely on willpower and motivation. Goals are future-focused and give you something to strive for. Standards are focused in the here and now, and support behaviors that help you achieve your goals. For instance, for years, I said I wanted to get to the gym and exercise at least three days a week. I was inconsistent at best based, solely, on how I felt each morning. Sometimes I nailed it, sometimes I missed it completely. Hence, another challenge with goals – they can be binary in an “I succeeded” or “I failed” way. And failing usually feels crappy for most of us. Standards align the vision we have for ourselves with our values. Over the last several years, I developed a standard of being fit and healthy and I am now in the habit of moving my body virtually every day. I don’t think about it, I just do it, and my level of motivation (most days) has little impact on my behavior. We can look at this through the Leadership Fluency lens as well. If you were to say “I want to be more influential,” this is a goal. If you define a standard for yourself, you might instead say, “I will consistently speak up in meetings and advocate for my ideas.” The shift in this case is that instead of chasing the goal of influence, you are embodying it. Here are a few prompts to help you create standards: Here’s an example:
Why Decision Fatigue is Killing Your Productivity
I have spent an embarrassing amount of time toiling over the customization of client gifts. Not what to do with my portfolio. Not finalizing quarterly goals and project plans. Not doing new business outreach. Not following up on client tasks. Nope. Instead, I’ve been pondering: “What size should I get? What color? All caps or sentence-case? Logo? No logo? Too big? Definitely too small. Phooey. Now they’re out of stock.” 🤦🏻♀️ Lather, rinse and repeat the whole scenario. Two more times. You’d think I was leading a big corporate merger the way I was obsessing over these decisions. I would love to tell you I’m exaggerating. I’m not (just ask Katelyn!) In very academic leadership parlance, this is what we call an “Utter waste of f*****g time.” I suspect I’m not alone in this. Leaders unintentionally and regularly kill productivity for themselves and others when they overthink, revisit, or delay decisions that don’t warrant it.* Now, you may be thinking, “She is stating the obvious (again).” And I am. So, while I’m at it, let me spell it out further for you: How to Fix It Overthinking is a habit. And habits can be broken. While different situations may call for different measures, here are a few strategies to consider: No one is paying me (or you) to stress over the size and color of gifts. You’re paid to make decisions that matter. Wasting your time on tasks that aren’t mission critical not only kills your productivity, it erodes your effectiveness, your brand, and your personal motivation. All in one fell swoop! So next time you find yourself debating the perfect shade of blue, ask yourself: “Is this the best use of my time?” If not, delegate** or delete. Your future self (and your team) will thank you. *For you fellow introverts out there, I, too, like to process information. My thinking often evolves when I’ve given myself time to reflect. This is not the same as overthinking. Do yourself a favor and discern where that line is for you. **The article is targeted to first-time managers – and yet – there is something we could all take away from it!