3 Leadership Lessons from a Speaking Intensive
Recently, I did something that seriously pushed me to my outer edges. I spent three full days in a room full of people I didn’t know, at a speech mastery program, getting up on stage (repeatedly!) to practice in front of them. Me, practicing with my cohort. If, like me, you’re a serious introvert, you know how much energy this took. So this wasn’t just a speaking challenge – it was a full-on shock to my nervous system. Me and 30 others, with no “wing-Mann.” (Did you see what I did there?) 🙂 And yet… It was a tremendous experience. I walked away with far more than just performance techniques for a better keynote. Here are three takeaways from getting out of my comfort zone: 1. Habit Isn’t the Same as Intention We spent the better part of a day reviewing and practicing “operative words” in our speeches – the words we want to emphasize to make an idea pop. Turns out, what we accentuate in everyday conversation often isn’t what lands best from a stage. For example, in real life, I might say: “My dad lived an hour away from me and in the opposite direction of the hospital where he was being treated.” But from the stage, that same sentence works better with different emphasis: “My dad lived an hour away from me and in the opposite direction of the hospital where he was being treated.” Subtle? Yes. But more powerful. To be more effective on stage, I have to kick old speech habits to the curb and become more intentional with my language. And this is true for leadership, too. How often have you gone into a meeting underprepared, or been caught off guard by a tough question, and sputtered out whatever came to mind? It’s a common (and habitual!) response. But the most impactful leaders pause, get centered, and respond with intention. 2. It’s OK to Suck Okay, “suck” might be strong. (But it got your attention, right? I was being intentional!) 🙂 The fact is, no one got up on stage and nailed it out of the gate. We were all practicing new ideas and techniques in real time to craft more impactful stories. What made it easier was that we were all in the same boat, which helped to take egos out of the equation. We were a room full of professionals committed to getting better. Experience, titles, hierarchies, and the size of paychecks were non-existent. And critically, the facilitators created a space of real psychological safety. There was zero shaming or critique, just honest and thoughtful feedback in service of growth. Leaders take note: if you want people to take risks, try new approaches, and stretch into something bigger, you’ll need to build that kind of container too. 3. Small Shifts Create Big Gains I’ve said this before, and it bears repeating: a big impact doesn’t require a big overhaul. Over and over again, I watched colleagues radically shift their stage presence literally in minutes just by shifting where they stood, which words they emphasized, or what they did with their arms. So if you’ve been told you need to adjust your style, rather than getting overwhelmed by the idea of a total reinvention, start small. Pick one or two behaviors to play with. Then do a gut check: Where, if anywhere, do I feel a shift in my body, clarity, or confidence? Start there, see what happens, and adjust accordingly. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. This isn’t just true for speaking. It’s true for leadership and life. Whether you’re stepping onto a literal stage, navigating a high-stakes leadership moment, or just trying to get through Tuesday, the lesson holds: Growth doesn’t happen in your comfort zone. But your comfort zone can expand if you choose to stretch it.
How to Move Through What’s Holding You Back
Have you ever noticed how the more you dread something, the bigger it becomes? I was coaching a client recently—let’s call her Keisha. She’s sharp, thoughtful, articulate, and a very strong practitioner. And yet, there’s one recurring meeting that turns her into a deer in headlights. Every time she’s on the agenda, she freezes. She can’t find her words and feels anxiety take hold of her body. Then she beats herself up, ruminates about what could have been different, and tells herself she “should” be past this already. She’s not alone. This has been showing up a lot in coaching conversations lately. One client struggles to advocate for himself. Another avoids hard conversations. The situations are different, but the outcomes are similar: judgment, self-recrimination, harsh self-talk. They all think the problem is the behavior – freezing, avoidance, not speaking up. But the real problem is the fight with the behavior. The belief that “This shouldn’t be happening.” Or “Why am I still dealing with this?” Because… what you resist, persists. What we focus on grows. The things you try to push out of your brain stick around, grow bigger, and command more of your attention. The more we wrestle with something, like fear, self-doubt, or social awkwardness, the tighter its grip becomes. When we uncovered this, Keisha opted for a new strategy. Instead of trying to fix it or push through, she started to recognize it in the moment, label it for what it was, and accept it. Instead of pushing it away. You know what? When she got curious about it, it loosened its hold. The same can be true for you. If you can meet the moment with self-awareness and compassion, instead of shame and control, it softens and loses its power. And sometimes, the thing we’re resisting isn’t even the experience but what the experience reflects back to us. A part of ourselves we don’t like. A fear we thought we’d conquered. An old story we thought for sure we’d outgrown. Those parts of you don’t go away just because you ignore them. They stick around until you’re willing to pop the hood and look inside. So if you’re stuck in a similar and frustrating loop, pause and ask yourself: What’s actually holding me back?You might find it’s not the behavior, it’s your resistance to it. A lifetime ago, a therapist told me, “You can’t go around it. You have to go through it.” Well, damn if that wasn’t the answer I didn’t want to hear. And yet… It was true back then. And it’s still true today.
How to Lead When You’re Exhausted, Overwhelmed, and Out of Options
Have you ever tried to staunch a gushing wound with a Dora the Explorer Band-Aid (metaphorically speaking, of course)? A few years ago, I had a client who was completely overwhelmed. (Ok, let’s be real. I’ve had many clients who have been completely overwhelmed. Welcome to modern leadership.) Back to this one client, we’ll call Anne. Her schedule was untenable. No amount of burning the midnight oil was going to get her caught up. Her team was underresourced in critical areas and overresourced in others that were less helpful to the core work product. And, as a member of the “sandwich generation,” she was navigating major health issues not only for herself, but also a parent and a child. So she did what any high-functioning, self-respecting Type A personality does. Doubled down and worked harder. She just kept saying to herself, “I’ll figure it out.” You’ve likely heard the saying, “Hope is not a strategy.” Well, “Figuring it out” is also not a strategy. At least not a good one if you don’t want to end up completely burned out. Anne’s challenge, like so many others, is that exhaustion, overwhelm, overworking, overthinking, and overreaching are symptoms, not the actual problem. So, no matter how many quick-fix solutions she tried (new planner, better time blocking, improved delegation strategies…), nothing really moved the needle. It’s like grabbing a squirt gun when the house is on fire. It doesn’t work because the issue isn’t a logistical one. It’s internal. And while external fixes might offer temporary relief, they’re typically not sustainable. As a society, we’ve become really good at problem-solving. In fact, we’ve become so conditioned to look outside of ourselves for approval, answers, and solutions that we overlook the obvious strategies that are right in front of us and well within our control. For instance, maybe… These are not scheduling or performance management issues. They’re signals that something is misaligned. Here’s where Leadership Fluency comes in. You need a personal foundation to support you when the 💩 hits the 🪭. What does your infrastructure look like? Any of these areas can support you when things feel unmanageable. Your body, brain, and bandwidth can’t sustain long-term success if the core of your leadership is built on a faulty or cracked foundation. You don’t need another tool or hack. So before you solve for the next problem, pause and ask yourself: Where am I misaligned? You might be surprised what clears up once you stop chasing smoke.
Why Managing Your Mindset is Strategic
A quick story for you. Pete* had just come out of a tense meeting with senior stakeholders, and he was frustrated, to put it mildly. He came to our session fired up and ready to “set the record straight.” He felt like people were second-guessing him and didn’t trust his judgment, and his first instinct was to go on the defensive. But as we talked, something became apparent. It wasn’t the feedback that was getting in his way. It was the story he was telling himself about what the feedback meant. In his mind, Pete had created a narrative that said: He realized he was reacting to the story he had created in his head, not the facts of the situation (e.g., was the data he presented accurate, how did the strategy impact other areas of the business, etc.) With that insight, his energy shifted. His strategy didn’t change. But the story he was telling himself did, which changed his mindset and how he showed up in the conversation. This is what I mean when I say mindset isn’t fluff. It’s a strategic aspect of your leadership. Because the mindset you bring to a situation shapes: When your mindset is in check, it allows you to lead more effectively, and from a place of strength, vs. anger, resentment, fear, etc. It changes outcomes and saves you from potential self-sabotage and burnout. Win-win! Mindset work isn’t a “soft skill”. It’s not a “nice to have.” And it’s definitely not a new-age, woo-woo leadership hack. It’s a core leadership skill. In fact, research suggests that leaders with a positive mindset see higher levels of performance and better decision-making abilities, among other things (Gottfred & Reina, 2021.) If you need to check your mindset: That’s what Pete did, and he walked into the next meeting with a lot more clarity and a lot less spiciness. That’s mindset. And it’s worth getting fluent in. *Not his real name.
How to Lead with Intention Instead of Burnout
Have you noticed how “hustle culture” has worked its way into our vernacular in the last many years? Originally, hustle culture took root in Silicon Valley when working 24/7 to secure funding was the M.O. for many start-ups. There was a “ride or die” mentality to working 24/7. In the years that followed, we’ve adopted the mindset that hustling (read: overworking) is the way to get ahead. (It’s not.) Which is why hustle culture gets a bad rap. This is legitimate when the hustle is fueled by fear, scarcity, or the need to prove something (it can also be a fast track to burnout.) Today, hustle culture has expanded its purview to include “side hustles,” with 2 in 5 workers saying they have one, according to 2023 research by Bankrate. Additionally, half of millennials and more than half of Gen Zers had a side hustle. Of all people with a side hustle, 33% said they needed it to meet their monthly expenses. But hustle in and of itself isn’t the problem. It’s the why behind the hustle we should look at, as well as how it shows up in our lives and leadership. I hustle daily. In fact, I operate better when I’m hustling. It’s energizing and focuses me, and I’m motivated by it. Yes, sometimes it’s messy, but it is (almost) always aligned with my goals. I’m not chasing my worth or trying to prove anything to anyone but myself. And the hustle is coming from a place of joy and abundance. For many, the reality of hustle looks a little different. They’re leading teams, managing complex and competing priorities, or navigating demanding systems. They’re working with fewer resources and more time constraints. Reprioritizing based on environmental factors (e.g. think tariffs here) and maybe juggling a long list of issues on the home front. Maybe this is true for you, too? While hustle isn’t always optional, it can be intentional. This is where Leadership Fluency™ comes in.* This is about creating a personal foundation that grounds you and knowing yourself well enough to notice: You can hustle without losing yourself. But you need to be aware of the inner signals and deprioritize the outer noise. So the next time you feel the rush, ask yourself: And if those questions stir something uncomfortable in you, that’s great! That’s your self-awareness doing its job. You may be tempted to push back here and say, “But I don’t have a choice.” Even when things feel hard or uncertain, you’re not without choices. You always have the ability to choose your next step. The key is to trust yourself to decide what’s right for you. Lean into the work you’ve already done to build your infrastructure and foundation. It’s there to support you. If you feel like you don’t have the solid foundation you need, it’s not too late to start shoring it up. You would never knowingly build a skyscraper on a faulty foundation. So don’t do it for your leadership, either!
Why Purpose-Driven Hustle Beats Pressure-Fueled Burnout
Have you noticed how “hustle culture” has worked its way into our vernacular in the last many years? Originally, hustle culture took root in Silicon Valley when working 24/7 to secure funding was the M.O. for many start-ups. There was a “ride or die” mentality to working 24/7. In the years that followed, we’ve adopted the mindset that hustling (read: overworking) is the way to get ahead. (It’s not.) Which is why hustle culture gets a bad rap. This is legitimate when the hustle is fueled by fear, scarcity, or the need to prove something (it can also be a fast track to burnout.) Today, hustle culture has expanded its purview to include “side hustles,” with 1 in 4 Americans saying they have one, according to 2024 research by Bankrate. Additionally, half of millennials and more than half of Gen Zers had a side hustle. Of all people with a side hustle, 41% said they needed it to meet their monthly discretionary expenses. But hustle in and of itself isn’t the problem. It’s the why behind the hustle we should look at, as well as how it shows up in our lives and leadership. I hustle daily. In fact, I operate better when I’m hustling. It’s energizing and focuses me, and I’m motivated by it. Yes, sometimes it’s messy, but it is (almost) always aligned with my goals. I’m not chasing my worth or trying to prove anything to anyone but myself. And the hustle is coming from a place of joy and abundance. For many, the reality of hustle looks a little different. They’re leading teams, managing complex and competing priorities, or navigating demanding systems. They’re working with fewer resources and more time constraints. Reprioritizing based on environmental factors (e.g. think tariffs here) and maybe juggling a long list of issues on the home front. Maybe this is true for you, too? While hustle isn’t always optional, it can be intentional. This is where Leadership Fluency™ comes in. This is about creating a personal foundation that grounds you and knowing yourself well enough to notice: You can hustle without losing yourself. But you need to be aware of the inner signals and deprioritize the outer noise. So the next time you feel the rush, ask yourself: And if those questions stir something uncomfortable in you, that’s great! That’s your self-awareness doing its job. You may be tempted to push back here and say, “But I don’t have a choice.” Even when things feel hard or uncertain, you’re not without choices. You always have the ability to choose your next step. The key is to trust yourself to decide what’s right for you. Lean into the work you’ve already done to build your infrastructure and foundation. It’s there to support you. If you feel like you don’t have the solid foundation you need, it’s not too late to start shoring it up. You would never knowingly build a skyscraper on a faulty foundation. So don’t do it for your leadership, either!
How to Lead with Awareness Under Pressure
Let’s be honest, most leadership advice goes out the window when the pressure’s on and your hair is on fire. Deadlines stack up, your team’s stretched thin, and your brain is stuck in unhelpful loops. This is when “conscious leadership” matters most and also feels hardest to access. In simple terms, conscious leadership is about being aware of how your inner world – your thoughts, emotions, energy, etc. – shapes the way you lead. It’s pausing, and choosing how you show up rather than reacting on autopilot. And it offers you the opportunity to lead intentionally. Lately, I keep coming back to this simple (and surprisingly sticky) analogy from the philosopher Alan Watts. Imagine you’re in a boat. (Think speed boat vs. paddle boat.) Behind you is the wake – the churned-up water you leave in your path. It represents your past: experiences, wins, failures, feedback, relationships, and regrets. It shows you where you’ve been, but it doesn’t determine where you’re going. And yet, how often do we let the wake drive the boat? When we lead from old stories, like holding onto past mistakes, past hurts, and past identities, we give yesterday a lot more influence than it deserves. Conscious leadership offers us the opportunity to notice when we’re doing that and choose differently. Now think about what’s powering the boat: the engine. This is the energy of the present moment. Your mindset, your emotions, your clarity (or lack thereof). Are you running on stress and self-doubt, or calm, curiosity, and courage? That inner state is always shaping your leadership and how others experience you. It shows up in how you ask questions. How you handle tension. How you make decisions. Finally: Where’s the boat headed? That’s your vision. You might not have an exact destination, and that’s ok. But you do need a general sense of direction, which includes values, purpose, or the kind of leader you aspire to be. When we get clear on where we’re headed, we stop letting the wake choose our path forward. Here are a few “coachy” questions for you in case you want to check your alignment: Here’s the good news: you can change course if you don’t like the path you’re on. You can adjust the engine speed. Set your GPS to a different endpoint. Toss overboard anything no longer needed. 🛥️ Future you will thank you.
What to Do With Confusing Feedback
See if you can relate to this: You wrap up a presentation to the leadership team. Afterward, your manager pulls you aside and says: “Overall, you did a great job. But I’d like to see you improve your executive presence before we meet with them again next month. Otherwise, you’re doing awesome. I’ve got to run to my next meeting, let’s catch up later.” And, of course… “later” never comes. If that kind of vague drive-by “feedback” leaves you scratching your head (and maybe spiraling a little), you’re not alone. Despite decades of focus on “leadership development,” most of us are still pretty lousy when it comes to giving – and receiving – feedback. So, what do you do when the feedback you get feels confusing, incomplete, or just not useful or helpful in any way? I’ve got a few strategies for you. Comprehensive? Probably not. Helpful? Yup. 🙂 Remember: It’s a Data Point, Not Gospel Feedback isn’t an absolute truth – it’s information. And sometimes, it needs context before its true value becomes clear. Ask yourself: Is there anything in here that could be useful? Even if it stings a little? Call Out Your Reaction – (but use your “inside voice”) Feedback can activate a threat response. (Fun fact: studies show that simply hearing the word “feedback” can trigger a cortisol spike.) So, if you’re feeling defensive, annoyed, or panicked, know that’s pretty common and totally normal. Naming what you’re feeling, “Oof, I feel embarrassed,” or “That felt unfair” – can help shift your brain from threat mode to a more objective, grounded place. Research from Lisa Feldman Barrett, a neuroscientist at Northeastern University, suggests getting as granular as possible with your descriptions. So, rather than “mad, happy, sad, or glad,” shoot for words that are more descriptive, say, “irate, elated, disappointed, or contented.” More here if you really want to geek out on all things brain. Use the SCARF Model to Discern Your Reaction Once you’ve named the emotion, see if you can pinpoint why it stung. Was it a hit to your status? Your sense of certainty? Your autonomy? Understanding which part of SCARF (Status, Certainty, Autonomy, Relatedness, Fairness) got activated can help depersonalize the reaction, and give you some breathing room. Here’s a handy SCARF chart for you. Get Curious, Not Combative Think back to what you know about giving good feedback. Vague feedback isn’t helpful, so reverse-engineer it. Ask for specifics: Push gently for behavioral clarity – specific actions or language that signal stronger performance. That’s the kind of feedback you can actually work with. Buy Yourself Some Time If the feedback catches you off guard, it’s okay to pause. Try one of these: You don’t need to have an immediate reaction to prove you’re coachable. You just need to stay open and engaged. Flip the Lens Last week, we talked about how to give better feedback. This week, I’m inviting you to notice how even the most well-intentioned feedback can land sideways. So, if someone else needs time to process your input, give them grace. And if you need time to process theirs? Take it. It’s all part of leading with fluency. And… I’m giving a keynote in a few weeks (shameless plug – hit reply if you’ll be at the ME HR Conference!) One of the core points I’ll be making is this: How you show up every day is a choice. You may not be able to control what feedback you receive – or how it’s delivered – but you do get to choose how you take it in, make sense of it, and decide what to do with it. Your turn:What helps you navigate feedback that doesn’t quite land?
How to Stop Sitting on Feedback
Raise your hand if… …you’ve ever not been given feedback that could’ve helped you grow. Now, raise your hand if you’ve ever avoided giving someone feedback for their development because it felt too uncomfortable. (Be honest: you know you’re afraid when you start making up excuses like, “I don’t want to ruin their vacation,” or “Their cat has a PT appointment today and I don’t want to upset them further.”) This is showing up in coaching conversations everywhere lately. Talented leaders (valued leaders!) are being blindsided by feedback that only surfaces when things have reached a breaking point. Take my client Alison.* She was passed over for a promotion she was sure she’d get when her manager retired. It wasn’t until she didn’t get the job that anyone told her why. She received helpful, candid feedback…too late. Had someone shared those insights even six months earlier, she would’ve had the opportunity to course-correct, develop, and truly be in the running. Instead, she felt angry, blindsided, and let down by her organization. Then there’s John.* He found out that colleagues had been giving feedback about his leadership – just not to him. They had shared it with his manager and asked to remain anonymous. The information never reached John until things escalated two years later. Now, we’re working through it in coaching. But that feedback could have opened up a growth path years ago. The takeaway? Delaying feedback delays development. It also erodes trust when people find out you’ve been sitting on insights they could’ve used. So often, we think we’re doing people a favor by not offering performance feedback because we’re sparing their feelings. What we’re really doing is accommodating our own feelings of fear, guilt, awkwardness, or [insert your feeling here.] If we wanted to help people out, it would be by offering them tangible, behaviorally focused observations that enable them to do their job more effectively. In the moment, or within a reasonable time frame (especially because any input offered holds a lot less weight if it’s given a month or two years after the fact.) But you know that already. I’ve rounded up a short list of my favorite “Do’s” and “Don’ts” for giving feedback. Is it comprehensive? Probably not. Helpful? Yup. DO: Channel your inner meteorologist. DON’T: Apologize, beat around the bush, or catastrophize. Weather forecasters don’t sugarcoat the coming nor’easter. They deliver the facts clearly, calmly, and without drama. Feedback should be the same: neutral, measured, and direct. Feedback should sound like information, not accusation. DO: Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don’t be mean when you say it. DON’T: Use vague or overly softened language to avoid discomfort. Yes, it sounds like something from a kindergarten classroom, but it works for grownups, too. Don’t wrap your message in vague language. Be respectful and specific. Don’t dilute the truth or dress it up so much that it loses its meaning. When you dilute your message to avoid hurting someone’s feelings, you risk not saying anything at all. Feedback like, “Just something to think about!” or “Maybe keep an eye on this?” leaves people confused. It doesn’t help them take clear action. DO: Bring concrete examples (more than one!) DON’T: Expect people to “just get it” without evidence. Years ago, a manager gave me feedback I immediately disagreed with. It wasn’t until his third example that I had to admit that maybe he had a point. (What can I say? I’m stubborn.) Real examples help ground the conversation and reduce ambiguity. Having specific examples also helps you avoid making vague, sweeping claims that feel personal rather than practical. If you need help framing out the feedback, this model may help. DO: Open up a two-way conversation. DON’T: Deliver a monologue and assume you’re done. Invite their perspective. Ask questions. Listen. Sometimes, a performance issue is really a context issue. Give them the space to share what they see. They may clarify something you misunderstood. Or they might just need time to process and come back with questions. DO: Ask for a follow-up recap. DON’T: Leave the conversation without checking for clarity. One of the easiest ways to make sure your message landed? Ask them to send you a short email summarizing what they heard and what they plan to do next. This isn’t to micromanage, it’s to confirm you’re on the same page. If their email shows they missed your main point, you can clarify before you get too far down the road. This signals that not only are you serious about the need for behavior change, but you’re also invested in their development and not just delivering feedback and disappearing. DO: Use the tools you have. DON’T: Wing it or try to sound like someone you’re not. If your company has a feedback framework or a coaching model, use it. If you’ve worked with a coach or been trained in effective feedback, lean into what you know. And most importantly, be yourself. You don’t have to sound like a robot or an HR policy manual. You just have to sound like a human who wants to help another human grow. Preparation and authenticity will serve you well here. DO: Own the feedback. DON’T: Pass the buck. I worked for a guy who used to always say, “Heavy is the head that wears the crown.” Boy, was he right! If you need to give some tough feedback, it’s not always easy, and it’s rarely (ok, never) fun, but it comes with the title. So take a deep breath – you got this. Remember, leadership is a team sport! If you’re the manager, it’s your job to deliver input people may not always relish. When you hide behind “some people think…” or “my hands are tied…” statements, you diminish your credibility and leadership in the process. Bottom line: Withholding feedback doesn’t make you kind. It makes you a barrier to someone else’s growth. Let people know how they’re doing before they miss the
Why Social Comparison Hurts Your Leadership
Have you ever casually scrolled through LinkedIn and noticed a former colleague just got promoted or won an award? And without warning, your brain whispers that your own achievements are much less impressive? If your answer is yes, you are not alone! (And seriously, if your answer is “no” please tell the rest of us how you manage that!) Your brain is wired for social comparison. It’s how we determine our status and belonging. And it’s a core organizing principle of the brain. On a biological level, the brain treats social comparison as a threat, triggering a stress response and flooding your system with cortisol. Hello, anxiety, fear, or overwhelm! On a mental and emotional level, seeing others’ success may make us feel inadequate and reinforce feelings of not being “good enough.” Hence the phrase → Compare and despair! In addition to feeling crappy, comparison doesn’t just make us feel bad. It can prompt us to isolate ourselves from others. Instead of connecting, we pull back. And I don’t need to spell out the downside of withdrawing. (Gee, it’s so much fun being a human!) 😱 Here’s what to do instead: The goal isn’t to stop comparing altogether – that would be hard (see above, organizing principle of the brain). It’s to shift your focus back to you and recognize your own progress.