Self-Reliance Is Overrated
As I was reflecting on career do-overs, my train of thought took me a few station stops up the line. In addition to situations I wish I could do-over, I started to think about what behaviors I would shift if I had a re-do on my career. Truly, there are many things I’d do differently (I now have such a different perspective on the adage “Youth is wasted on the young” but I digress…) If I had to pick one thing, though, it’s this: Ask for help. We all have life experiences that have shaped us and contribute to how we show up in the world. I was a latchkey kid and learned to be independent and self-reliant at an early age. Growing up, this worked out ok. As an adult in the workplace, this didn’t serve me. And it took me more time than I care to admit to figure that out. I was lonely. On top of that, I was physically exhausted from overworking, mentally tapped out from all the overthinking, and missing out on the collaboration that would’ve made the work better and my life easier. So I hobbled along, not asking for help. But I gotta say, self-reliance is overrated. It consistently kept me in my “Cycle of Doom” (see below). And it’s masked in many different ways. Do any of these thoughts sound familiar? While it seems harmless enough, the fallout is anything but. I’m here to tell you that asking for help is not… It is a sign of: We live in a relationship economy, and work gets done with and through other people. Ask for help when you need it. On behalf of your Future Self, thank you. 🙂
Why Treating Yourself Better Improves Your Leadership Impact
“By giving ourselves unconditional kindness and comfort while embracing the human experience, difficult as it is, we avoid destructive patterns of fear, negativity, and isolation.” – Kristin Neff I’ve been thinking a lot about self-compassion lately. (And yes, I know. Those two words can make most high-achievers itch.) Kristin Neff, who’s spent years researching this, says that self-compassion isn’t about letting yourself off the hook. It’s about treating yourself with the same care and understanding you’d offer anyone else who’s struggling. Simple, not easy. Most leaders I know are fluent in accountability but are barely “conversational” when it comes to grace. They’ll stumble in a meeting and immediately launch into a full-blown internal performance review. No one else has to say a word. That voice in your head, however, is not making you better. It’s just making you more tired. Neff’s research shows that self-compassion actually increases resilience, motivation, and problem-solving. Which makes sense. When you stop beating yourself up, you free up energy for, well, anything useful. In Leadership Fluency™ terms, this is the inner maintenance work: mindset, identity, values, wellbeing, and connection. Because how you talk to yourself and how you treat yourself directly affects how you show up for everyone else. If you’re wondering how to do this, fear not! You don’t have to turn into a walking affirmation machine. Start small. This isn’t a one-and-done skill. It’s more like brushing your teeth. Small, consistent action and oh so important. And if you’re rolling your eyes right now, that’s fine. That’s just the overachiever in you trying to stay in control. (Hi, I see you.) The courage to be kind to yourself is strategic. It’s what keeps you steady enough to do the rest of the hard work.
The Leadership Skill No One Talks About
“There is no shortcut for the work. Period. Entrepreneurship is in many ways disguised as a business pursuit. So much of it is managing your own psychology.” – David Segal David Segal is one of the co-founders of David’s Teas. After helping scale the brand to $200M, he walked away. And talks openly in interviews about how he lost his sense of meaning and purpose after, and what it took to find his footing again. You might not be an entrepreneur, but the quote above still holds value. So much of leadership has nothing to do with the mechanics of the business or your functional area. It’s the inner work that matters. We tend to think leadership is about external skill: strategy, execution, managing others. But the leaders who thrive are the ones who get fluent in the internal work. They understand their patterns, triggers, beliefs, assumptions, and gaps, and find ways to work with them or shift them. For me, this is Leadership Fluency™ in action → mindset, identity, values, wellbeing, connection. Maybe not all on the same day, but possibly all in one week! When we 1) have the self-awareness that we are contributing to our own misery, 2) choose to do things differently, and 3) follow through, things start to shift. The reality is that no one shows up for coaching and says, “Hey, Sarah. I’d like to really dig in on the inner work.” No one. Ever. But everyone comes to the table with external challenges that somehow feel misaligned, though they can’t always name why. By the time we’re done, they have a lot more clarity on how they want to show up in the world, the values that drive them, the wellbeing criteria that fuels them, and the mindset stance they want to adopt. They also have strengthened connections that support them in these areas. And in case you missed it the last 52 times I said it, we live in a relationship economy. Your internal and external networks are critical for increasing productivity, goal achievement, broadening your perspective, and staying sane in the process. Fluent leaders have a few things in common: Getting from where we are today to a place of increased Leadership Fluency™ is a marathon, not a sprint. There is no finish line to cross. (Which I always find really annoying, BTW.) The good news here is that it takes some pressure off. There’s no way we’re going to get it perfect, so instead we get to practice on a day-to-day basis. You may be asking yourself, “How do I do this?” There is no single answer that will work for everyone. My standard rule applies: one size doesn’t fit all — which, again, is good news. It means the possibilities are endless, and you get to decide what works best for you. Here’s the simplest way to begin building your Leadership Fluency™: If you need a place to start, try one of these previous notes: What part of your “work” right now is about managing your own psychology? And, if there’s no shortcut for the work, what’s the next step you could take that your future self would thank you for?” This kind of inner work is simple, but not always easy. It takes focus, intentionality, and practice. Don’t get thrown off if you don’t see massive gains right away. Small and seemingly imperceptible shifts yield big results in the long run.
The Community I Keep Not Building
Here’s a nugget for you. I’ve been thinking about building an online leadership community. All year. And when I say ‘thinking about,’ what I really mean is: Excitement → research → overwhelm → do nothing. I’ve perfected this dance. Lather, rinse, repeat. For you, this might mean delaying a conversation, putting aside making a decision, or getting lost in analysis paralysis before giving the go ahead on a project. (And is vaguely bringing to mind the tabloid headline of “Celebrities! They’re just like us!” Not that I’m a celebrity…) But I digress. Here’s why I get hung up on overthinking: Please tell me it’s not just me? The challenge is that leadership (or running your own business) requires taking action that moves the business forward, often without full clarity. Or a crystal ball. Waiting “until the time is right” comes at a cost. Doing so means lost opportunity because you never tested the idea, credibility because your team or colleagues sense your hesitancy and lose confidence, and momentum because a ball not in motion is still a ball not in motion. The overthinking pattern is the same whether the stakes are low or high. You’re probably facing decisions that feel much more loaded and career-defining than my community idea. The mechanics of getting stuck? I’m guessing the pattern is the same. As far as my business goes, the decision to create a community is fairly “low stakes.” Yes, it has the potential to create all kinds of opportunities for me and others. And if I don’t do it, no one is losing their livelihood or their life. Here’s what I’m doing to help me break the cycle: Welcome to my “messy middle.” In today’s world, we don’t really have the luxury of “wait and see” (especially with how quickly AI is advancing and revolutionizing so much of the work.) This doesn’t mean rushing to check a box. It is about being intentional in creating momentum and forward progress. Full transparency: I wrote this as much for you as I did for me. This is my starting small, testing the idea. I want to build a community built on Leadership Fluency, designed to help you trust your instincts and lead with more clarity and ease. Your turn. Where are you hesitating and what’s one step forward you can take this week?
How to Build Confidence in Sharing Your Ideas and Stories
Three days. Thirty people. A whole lot of overlap. (And yes, if you’ve been following along, this is part three…part one is here and part two is here.) Over the course of nine days of class, I listened to my colleagues deliver their speeches. They came from sales, finance, functional medicine, skincare, engineering, you name it. Different industries, different life stories. And yet, the same themes kept surfacing again and again. At first, I wondered, “Does this mean my message isn’t unique enough?” Or thought “Well, they said it WAY better than I did.” What I realized over time was, in fact, the opposite: The overlap was proof that the ideas mattered. And even more importantly, the way each person said it, who they were, and who they were speaking to, made it land differently every time. It took me a long time to find my voice. Some days I’m still finding it. We hold back from sharing because we think, “This has been said before.” And it probably has. But just because someone else said it doesn’t mean it resonated across the board. There’s a lid for every pot. The words that don’t click coming from someone else might be exactly what someone needs to hear from you (or me!) 😊 Will people judge? Absolutely. That’s biology. What helps me to forge ahead are two things. And let’s be honest (yes, I know that is a standard AI ”tell” but I swear to you this is how I talk!), you judge too. When we hold back out of fear that it’s “already been said,” we deprive others of the chance to hear it in a way that could finally connect. We deprive ourselves of finding and having a voice. When you share, you make it possible for others to feel seen, to act, to grow. Michael Port is the founder of Heroic Public Speaking. On the second-to-last day of class, he said, “You need to fight for your ideas.” What’s an idea you have that’s worth fighting for this week, even if it’s been said before?
You’re Not Behind, and Hustle is Optional
Have you ever thought to yourself, “I should be further along by now”? This has been a lifelong mantra I am ever so slowly letting go of. And I know I’m not alone. Clients say it after a presentation that didn’t go as well as they’d hoped. Or after scrolling through LinkedIn, watching everyone else announce promotions, or casually mentioning they’re speaking at three conferences, running a side business, and raising well-behaved goats. Meanwhile, you’re just trying to make it through Monday. I see you. Let’s be clear: you are not behind. You’re building. Every time we reach a new level of skill or ability, it feels great — the dopamine is flowing, and we want to ride that wave. Then we look around and someone else is riding a bigger wave, and suddenly it feels like we’re splashing around in the kiddie pool. It’s a dynamic of contraction and expansion. Expansion boosts our confidence. Contraction feels… icky (technical coaching term!). But over time, the space between expansion and contraction gets shorter. The drawing below isn’t “to scale,” but you’ll note that each point on the journey is higher than the last. In real life, that might look like quitting a job that’s slowly crushing your soul, even if you don’t have your next gig lined up. It might be going to therapy, setting boundaries, saying no, learning to rest, or asking for help before things hit full meltdown mode. And it leads to expansion. Think of all the people you’ve seen on LinkedIn announce they’ve left roles with no next job lined up. They’re honoring their values, their boundaries, their wellbeing, AND getting right with themselves. That’s the real work. So if you’re… These are signs of change. If you’re feeling stuck (or like you’re failing), the reframe I’d offer is one of growth and prioritizing yourself. The next time that inner critic chimes in with “you should be further along,” try asking: Let the others hustle for their next big wave. I give you permission to hang out on the board and enjoy the sun. You’re not behind. And you are making progress. I promise.
Signs You’ve Outgrown Your Leadership Space (and What to Do Next)
Have you ever sat in a leadership meeting, listened to the conversation around you, and thought, “This doesn’t work for me anymore”? Not in a dramatic, Honey Boo Boo, storm-out-of-the-room kind of way. More like a quiet awareness that seeps in: what used to feel energizing, or at least productive, now feels stagnant or off. It’s not that you’re “too good” for the room. It’s more likely that you’ve grown, and the space (and the people in it) haven’t kept pace. When you get to know yourself and honor what matters—values, identity, mindset—you start leading with more clarity and intention. You make different decisions. And that can make the room you’re in feel misaligned. Here’s how you know it might be happening to you: And also a powerful one, because awareness gives you options. Here are four ways to move forward if you’ve outgrown the room you’re in: And if you’re not sure yet, that’s OK too. Just don’t confuse “not sure” with “I’ll stick it out another year and see.” One is reflection. The other is fear or denial. A few questions to sit with: Remember, outgrowing a room isn’t a crisis. It’s an opportunity.
3 Lessons From Public Speaking
Let me tell you about my time at Speech Mastery “camp” with a group of strangers. Initially, they were all strangers, but after only a few sessions those strangers had become friends. The psychological safety the facilitators created was so strong, we all felt it the moment we walked back into the room. And the joy we felt when we watched one of our colleagues completely transform was palpable. It was a reminder of how fast real connection and growth can happen in the right environment. Here are three takeaways from another intense session of learning stagecraft. 1. What’s in service to your audience? When you’re on stage, everything should be about the audience. The challenge is, human nature tends to have the non-professional actors among us defaulting to thoughts like, “OMG, I hope they like me,” “Please, please, please let me nail this presentation,” or “They look bored. Are they bored? OMG I’m boring!” You get the idea. We make it about us. And when we do that, we’re no longer engaging with the audience, we’re focused inward. That doesn’t make for a compelling performance, whether you’re in the boardroom or on a Broadway stage. The same holds true in leadership. When clients are preparing for challenging conversations, most of their energy goes into what to say, how to say it, and how to get the outcome they want (usually something like, “so they won’t get mad at me”). But if you shift your focus to the other person, consider what would be most helpful to them, and craft your message accordingly, the whole dynamic changes. Try it and see what happens. And then I double dog dare you to let me know what happens. I’d love to hear. 2. The amount you can push an audience is proportionate to how much they trust you. Who knew theater had so much to teach us about leadership? If I want to challenge an audience with something provocative, I can’t do that effectively if I haven’t built trust first. Without it, they’ll tune out, feel offended, or worst case, judge me. (See above: “OMG I hope they like me!” 😂) The same applies to leading others. If you haven’t built trust with your team, it’s going to be harder for them to hear tough feedback, take ownership of what needs to change, or speak up when something isn’t working. You already know this, but I take great pride in my title as Queen of the Obvious. Trust is earned, not given. What are you doing to build it this week? 3. “The fear of recognition that I can do more.” This was a direct quote from a classmate during a debrief. It was also my “oh shit” moment. Because she was right. I can do more. So can you. The real question is, do you want to? And what’s getting in your way? I’ll go out on a limb here and say it’s probably fear. If that wasn’t your answer, keep digging. I’m 99% sure fear is under there somewhere. Awareness is the first step. And it’s okay if fear, or something else, is in the mix. The real question is, what are you going to do about it? If your answer is “nothing,” that’s a choice, so be intentional about it. But if your answer is “nothing” because you’re too afraid to try something different, then I’m inviting you to step into a bigger, braver, more courageous version of yourself. Future you will thank you.
Why Leaders Struggle to Delegate (And How to Fix It)
Delegation gets a bad rap. Mostly because so many of us stink at it. (Hey, just calling it like I see it!) You know what I see? Leaders who are completely overwhelmed, possibly resentful, and still holding on to the work because they think it’s “just quicker” to do it themselves. If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. But let’s not pretend it’s working to your advantage. To be fair, sometimes it IS quicker to do it yourself than to spend the time explaining what you want, answering ALL the questions, (or stressing out that there weren’t ANY questions), making sure it’s getting done, and “risking” that the results will be different than if you had done it yourself. (From one who is super particular – I hear you!) The challenge is, if you don’t delegate… And that’s just the downsides for you! Let’s talk about your team. They are now underutilized and disengaged. They miss out on opportunities for growth. They don’t get a chance to showcase their skill sets and use their brains. They get resentful. They begin to assume you’ll just always pick up the slack, so why bother trying? Delegation is not about handing off tasks and hoping for the best. It’s a skill. A strategic, intentional act that requires planning, communication, and trust. It’s also one of the best ways to expand your impact without expending unnecessary energy. Here’s what ineffective delegation usually looks like: Sound familiar? (And no judgment if it does… I’ve been there too.) Now contrast that with intentional delegation. That sounds like: Does it take more time up front? Yup. Does it pay you back in time, trust, and actual team development? Hell, yes! Delegation done well builds: If you’re always the busiest person on your team, ask yourself whether that’s because no one else can handle the work, or because you haven’t made space for them to try. Your call to action: Leadership isn’t about doing it all. It’s about creating an environment where everyone has the opportunity to grow and flourish, and you plug people into tasks and projects that align with their skills, interests, and job responsibilities. And you get to breathe a little easier. So let go. Just a little. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Your future self (the one with a reasonable calendar and a thriving team) will thank you.
4 Ways to Recover From a Mistake
Think about the worst mistake you’ve ever made at work. The one that makes you cringe inwardly. Yeah, that one. Now imagine doing that in front of millions. Hard to stomach, eh? Well, that’s what happened to an HBO Max intern. You can read more about it here, but in a nutshell, an intern inadvertently sent an “integration test” email to HBO subscribers. HBO wasted no time in posting on Twitter/X about this issue with a tongue-in-cheek tweet. And the internet responded in kind. In ways that rarely happen on the internet! Thousands began posting in solidarity and sharing their own epic mishaps – many while they were not interns. They are kind, funny, and offer the intern in question grace for the mistake. It’s a feel-good story and a reminder that we could all use more grace in the world. Grace for ourselves, and maybe just as importantly, grace for others. But grace for others starts with grace for ourselves. And if you’re like me, with a harsh inner critic, that can be a tough nut to crack. You can’t give away what you don’t have. So what’s it going to take for you to lighten up? You know I don’t believe in a one-size-fits-all approach, so I can’t tell you exactly what will work for you. But I can offer a few suggestions that have helped me and my clients: 1. Put a photo on your desk. Got an old photo of yourself as a kid? Or a picture of your kids, nieces, nephews, or any child you adore? Keep it in plain sight. The next time you start to beat yourself up – for a presentation that fell flat, a piece of work that wasn’t up to your standard, or a comment you regret – look at that photo. You likely wouldn’t speak to that child with the same harshness you use on yourself. 2. What would you say to a friend? If someone you care about came to you with the same challenge, what would you say? Really. Would you tell them to suck it up or get over it? Probably not. So let’s not do that to you either. Another way to think about it – if you had a spot in the HBO thread encouraging others about a mistake you’ve made in the past, what would your post say? 3. Challenge your story. Get some objectivity. What’s the story you’re telling yourself? (Does this sound familiar?) That you’re terrible at presenting? That Jon in accounting is definitely mad and talking about you behind your back? That you blew the interview over one clunky answer? Now ask yourself: what actual evidence do I have that the story is true? Gut instincts are great, just not in this situation. Did Jon actually tell you he was mad? Did someone tell you your presentation missed the mark? Now, rewrite the story. Something more accurate, like: “That wasn’t my best presentation. But it wasn’t my worst.” “I could have answered that one interview question better, but I communicated my experience well overall.” “I didn’t meet my own expectations in that conversation, and I feel embarrassed. I want to offer an apology.” 4. Name your critic. I’ve talked about this before. Mine’s named Marvin. He’s a stinky little bugger. Another colleague named hers Gilda. It can be as simple as telling Marvin or Gilda to take the day off. You’ve got it covered. And if you need additional proof that naming (figuratively or literally 😉) your emotions is beneficial, check out this article. Bottom line? Cut yourself some slack. We all make mistakes. Instead of fixating on where you missed the mark, focus on what you learned or what you’d do differently next time. It’s a much better use of your brainpower.