Raise your hand if…
…you’ve ever not been given feedback that could’ve helped you grow.
Now, raise your hand if you’ve ever avoided giving someone feedback for their development because it felt too uncomfortable.
(Be honest: you know you’re afraid when you start making up excuses like, “I don’t want to ruin their vacation,” or “Their cat has a PT appointment today and I don’t want to upset them further.”)
This is showing up in coaching conversations everywhere lately.
Talented leaders (valued leaders!) are being blindsided by feedback that only surfaces when things have reached a breaking point.
Take my client Alison.* She was passed over for a promotion she was sure she’d get when her manager retired. It wasn’t until she didn’t get the job that anyone told her why.
She received helpful, candid feedback…too late. Had someone shared those insights even six months earlier, she would’ve had the opportunity to course-correct, develop, and truly be in the running. Instead, she felt angry, blindsided, and let down by her organization.
Then there’s John.* He found out that colleagues had been giving feedback about his leadership – just not to him. They had shared it with his manager and asked to remain anonymous. The information never reached John until things escalated two years later.
Now, we’re working through it in coaching. But that feedback could have opened up a growth path years ago.
The takeaway?
Delaying feedback delays development. It also erodes trust when people find out you’ve been sitting on insights they could’ve used.
So often, we think we’re doing people a favor by not offering performance feedback because we’re sparing their feelings. What we’re really doing is accommodating our own feelings of fear, guilt, awkwardness, or [insert your feeling here.]
If we wanted to help people out, it would be by offering them tangible, behaviorally focused observations that enable them to do their job more effectively. In the moment, or within a reasonable time frame (especially because any input offered holds a lot less weight if it’s given a month or two years after the fact.) But you know that already.
I’ve rounded up a short list of my favorite “Do’s” and “Don’ts” for giving feedback. Is it comprehensive? Probably not. Helpful? Yup.
DO: Channel your inner meteorologist.
DON’T: Apologize, beat around the bush, or catastrophize.
Weather forecasters don’t sugarcoat the coming nor’easter. They deliver the facts clearly, calmly, and without drama. Feedback should be the same: neutral, measured, and direct. Feedback should sound like information, not accusation.
DO: Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don’t be mean when you say it.
DON’T: Use vague or overly softened language to avoid discomfort.
Yes, it sounds like something from a kindergarten classroom, but it works for grownups, too. Don’t wrap your message in vague language. Be respectful and specific. Don’t dilute the truth or dress it up so much that it loses its meaning.
When you dilute your message to avoid hurting someone’s feelings, you risk not saying anything at all. Feedback like, “Just something to think about!” or “Maybe keep an eye on this?” leaves people confused. It doesn’t help them take clear action.
DO: Bring concrete examples (more than one!)
DON’T: Expect people to “just get it” without evidence.
Years ago, a manager gave me feedback I immediately disagreed with. It wasn’t until his third example that I had to admit that maybe he had a point. (What can I say? I’m stubborn.) Real examples help ground the conversation and reduce ambiguity.
Having specific examples also helps you avoid making vague, sweeping claims that feel personal rather than practical. If you need help framing out the feedback, this model may help.
DO: Open up a two-way conversation.
DON’T: Deliver a monologue and assume you’re done.
Invite their perspective. Ask questions. Listen. Sometimes, a performance issue is really a context issue. Give them the space to share what they see. They may clarify something you misunderstood. Or they might just need time to process and come back with questions.
DO: Ask for a follow-up recap.
DON’T: Leave the conversation without checking for clarity.
One of the easiest ways to make sure your message landed? Ask them to send you a short email summarizing what they heard and what they plan to do next. This isn’t to micromanage, it’s to confirm you’re on the same page. If their email shows they missed your main point, you can clarify before you get too far down the road.
This signals that not only are you serious about the need for behavior change, but you’re also invested in their development and not just delivering feedback and disappearing.
DO: Use the tools you have.
DON’T: Wing it or try to sound like someone you’re not.
If your company has a feedback framework or a coaching model, use it. If you’ve worked with a coach or been trained in effective feedback, lean into what you know. And most importantly, be yourself.
You don’t have to sound like a robot or an HR policy manual. You just have to sound like a human who wants to help another human grow. Preparation and authenticity will serve you well here.
DO: Own the feedback.
DON’T: Pass the buck.
I worked for a guy who used to always say, “Heavy is the head that wears the crown.” Boy, was he right! If you need to give some tough feedback, it’s not always easy, and it’s rarely (ok, never) fun, but it comes with the title. So take a deep breath – you got this. Remember, leadership is a team sport!
If you’re the manager, it’s your job to deliver input people may not always relish. When you hide behind “some people think…” or “my hands are tied…” statements, you diminish your credibility and leadership in the process.
Bottom line: Withholding feedback doesn’t make you kind. It makes you a barrier to someone else’s growth.
Let people know how they’re doing before they miss the mark. Don’t wait for the inflection point. And don’t let your own fear get in the way of helping someone.
