Busy is just a place to hide.
Have you ever had a situation where you felt stuck, but the real issue was that you didn’t want to acknowledge a truth you already knew? This uncomfortable reality hit home for a client in a recent coaching session. He realized he was working very hard to stay busy because it meant he didn’t have to face difficult decisions. He knows what he wants. He knows what he needs to do to get what he wants. He doesn’t want to do what he needs to do. Underneath it all, fear is what’s holding my client back, and what holds most of us back. Fear is a pesky little bugger, isn’t it? Fear of being wrong. Fear of what others will think. Fear of hurting someone else. Fear of disrupting the norm. Insert your own fear here. We have the capacity to handle whatever life throws at us, even if it doesn’t always feel that way. Years ago, I watched a friend go on the Alzheimer’s journey with her mother. I remember thinking, “There is no way I could do that.” Not long after, I walked through cancer with my dad. Mine and his, at the same time. (I’m ok, by the way.) If you’d told me in advance that you were coming, I would have said the exact same thing I said about my friend: there is no way I could do that. But I didn’t get an advance memo, and so I did it. Not always gracefully, and often with a heavy heart, but I did it. Before that, I was in a job that felt untenable and unsustainable. So I quit because I didn’t see another way out at the time, and staying there was going to put me in an early grave. SO.MUCH.FEAR. But I did it. And here I am, 11 years later, to tell you about it. You may not have the experience that is amping up your level of fear, but you have the capacity for whatever is in front of you.
The Rule You Don’t Know You’re Following
It’s story time! I’m listening to my client talk about how she is going to position an ask to her CEO. It’s diplomatic, smart, and strategic. It’s also hedging. I call this out to her. Along with a pattern I’ve noticed: she spends a lot of time and energy crafting her messages so they land “just right.” She just pauses and laughs. “Yup. I do.” So I ask the next (obvious to me) question, “What’s the unwritten rule you’re following here that suggests you need to placate and people-please?” She shares with me that nearly 20 years ago, when she was early in her career, a senior leader saw her ambition as a threat and then did everything possible to make life difficult for my client. At which point, my client decides to “lead from behind” so that people see her as supportive and less threatening. She unconsciously adopts a rule that she needs to “manage how she’s viewed” to be successful. She’s left the job and the company. The scars and habits remain. That rule might have made sense at that time, in that role. But now she’s operating on a 1.0 OS, and her current role requires an upgrade to 2.0. Her nervous system is still trying to hold onto the old OS. She can’t see it in real time because it’s so ingrained in her. But when I call it out, she knows instantly what it is and where it’s from. And she makes a new decision operating off a new rule. To say the thing she needs to say, and put a period at the end of her statement. Without tacking on the placating, people-pleasing language to try to appease the CEO. This really hit home for her when I asked how she planned to protect the time leading up to her wedding. She shared her approach. Guess what? Same pattern of crafting a statement that sounds like it’s asking for permission. Her takeaway? Tell the CEO she will be unavailable while she’s out for her wedding. Without all the explanations and qualifiers. In my client’s case, the origins of the rule are traceable. But not all of them are. Like the rule I used to have (ok, still sometimes have!) that asking for help from others is imposing on them, and so my inclination is to figure things out on my own. Usually, this results in a massive headache from banging my head against a brick wall. The rule isn’t the problem. But not knowing you’re following it is. Your call to action depends on your rules. If you know the rule you’re following, think about what you want your new rule to be and what that looks like in action. If you suspect you have unwritten rules but aren’t sure what they are, your call to action is to look for the places where you feel stuck. What’s getting in your way? I guarantee you there is a rule in there somewhere.
Fear Called. It Wants Its Excuses Back
When was the last time you held back from … pretty much anything you have been thinking about? What’s getting in your way? If you’re like me, you wait until you’re “Ready.” (Pigs might fly before I ever feel like I’m ready.) Which also means that at least 78% of my ideas or ambitions will never see the light of day. And when you think about it, that is really a terrible outcome for all involved. I hold myself back in that situation, which limits my potential. And others don’t get the benefit of whatever it was I was hoping to birth into the world. For example, I’ve had an idea for at least a year, possibly longer, to launch something on LinkedIn called Fluent Fridays – basically a super short post with a nugget that someone could use immediately to increase their Leadership Fluency™. You may be thinking, “Hey, that’s a great idea! What’s taking you so long?” Well, I wasn’t “ready.” Meaning, I hadn’t done the legwork. I hadn’t mapped out a strategy for posting with my various content pillars, or put together a posting calendar so I know what to post when, or asked someone to come up with the graphics for it… or, or, or. You get my drift? It’s possible I’ve been overthinking this (she thinks, dryly.). Thus, it’s been in my brain for a long time, and not necessarily online. Until… I got fed up with myself. And I just posted the damned thing. Was it perfect? No. Was it what I thought I would post? No. Did I hire a designer? No. Did I commit to all of LinkedIn that I would be posting on Fridays? Yes. Did I post the following Friday? No. The point is, if I keep waiting until I have it all wrapped up in a pretty box with a bow, it will never happen. This is low stakes at the end of the day. No one on LinkedIn is checking my posting dates to make sure I’ve been consistent. I’m not suggesting you show up for a strategy rollout meeting unprepared. What I am suggesting is that it’s possible, just maybe within the realm of possibility, that you are more prepared than you give yourself credit for. So let’s just name what’s holding you back for what it is: Fear. It’s not that you (or I) aren’t ready. It’s that you’re afraid. You don’t want to be judged (people will judge, it’s what our brains do.) You don’t want to look stupid. You don’t want to be compared to others. Or a million other things that your brain will come up with to keep you safe in your little cocoon and hold you back from whatever it is that your heart really wants to pursue. Now, I’m taking (small) steps toward goals. Not the mundane goals. The BHAGs. You with me?
What if Anxiety isn’t the Enemy?
Imagine something powerful enough to… Wanna hazard a guess as to what it is? If you guessed anxiety, you’d be right. And these are just a few examples of what it can look like when we let anxiety run the show. In today’s work environment world, there is no shortage of reasons we might be anxious. Some of us are also naturally wired that way. 🙋🏻♀️ It can be paralyzing and all-consuming. So it’s not surprising that so many of us try to run from it. Years ago, I worked with a leader who, out of the blue, started to freeze up in a leadership meeting. But it was only one meeting in particular that seemed to cause the reaction in her. She would get flushed. Feel intense knots in her stomach. And sometimes lose the ability to speak. Despite focusing several coaching sessions on it, she could not identify what was different about this one meeting, why this was happening, or what to do about it. (And trust me, I tried every tool in my toolbox!) Because she could anticipate this response, she was afraid of the anxiety and resisted it at every turn. And since anxiety is a consistent little bugger, she found herself with that inward focus, paralyzed, and with thoughts that were grounded in nothing tangible or ‘real.’ But what if we viewed anxiety as fuel vs. something to be feared? I once heard David Rosmarin speak on befriending anxiety, and he offered this reframe, which I found helpful. Because it turns out, anxiety has many benefits. Here’s what I wish I’d had insight into when I was working with that client: According to Rosmarin, a Harvard psychologist, anxiety can sharpen our awareness because it signals to us that we have to ‘do something’ or ‘perform.’ In this way, we become more attuned to our words, actions, body language, etc. He calls this ‘exposure therapy’. Another benefit that I had not considered but that makes total sense is that if we can embrace the anxiety and allow ourselves to be (appropriately) vulnerable, it can help us strengthen teams by enabling us to connect with others in a very human way. (Which means, it’s ok to not have all the answers and it’s ok to let the team know this.) If you’re going to hold a leadership role, you’re not going to escape the occasional late night, mad dash preparation for a big presentation or project launch. You will feel nervous and probably uncomfortable. Here again, if you can learn to tolerate the discomfort anxiety brings, and leverage it, you can use the energy to surge you forward. Finally, how we approach someone else’s anxiety can also strengthen our leadership. What we resist, persists. So, trying to sweep someone else’s anxiety under the rug diminishes our leadership. Rosmarin suggests that we can support people through validating their experience and praising them for what they’re doing well. Remember, from a physiological standpoint, anxiety and excitement are two sides of the same coin – butterflies in the stomach, dry mouth, racing heart, etc. So heads or tails, it’s your choice.
The Most Expensive Sentence in Leadership
“That’s just who I am, and I’m not going to change that.” I was talking to a coaching client, and this is one of the first things he said to me. The goal for coaching was to support an already strong leader in engaging his team differently. He knew he needed to change something, but he just wasn’t sure what. And he knew there were some aspects of his personality he was uncomfortable letting go of. It came down to him deciding where he was open to flexing his natural style and where he wasn’t. He was not willing to forgo his directness, but he determined that being more curious, intentionally asking more questions, and offering less directive feedback would help him be more effective with one employee in particular. Holding on to his natural preferences had served him well for a long time and afforded him several promotions over the years. But he was unintentionally diminishing his leadership brand and efficacy by holding on to ingrained habits. It’s annoying AF, but sadly, the things that support us getting to a certain level of proficiency or rank in the organization often become the same traits that hold us back from developing further. So like my client above, when we say “My style is…” it’s like saying “These are the limits to my leadership.” This is what Brian Lowery (Stanford University professor) calls The Authenticity Trap. “This is just who I am.” costs us. When we hold fast to it, we cut off options that might be available to us, and we send signals to the team and the organization that we might not intend to send about our ability to grow and stretch. Leadership requires versatility. (Says she, Queen of the Obvious.) Different contexts require distinct approaches. When we put a stake in the ground for how we show up, we set a boundary and honor who we are. Yay us! Setting boundaries! In some cases, however, we might also be hitting a ceiling if we can’t find a way to honor ourselves while extending beyond our boundaries, and exploring different approaches. There is value to staying authentic. And sometimes it costs us. So, how do you balance being true to yourself, while also adjusting to what the context requires of you to be most effective?”
We’re on a Cross-Country Road Trip. Without a Map.
Once, a Head of Marketing told me he had to report on every nuance of how his group is leveraging AI to get the work done. To the board. Not his direct manager. Not the CEO. The board. When I asked if this was normal, the response was “Definitely not normal. We went from ‘Engage with AI with caution’ to ‘Use AI for everything. Why aren’t you doing more with AI? Almost overnight.”’ Where leaders have always had to worry about budget and headcount, now you can add AI to the mix – how it integrates with the existing team and workstreams, and possibly, how it can reduce headcount. Employees see this too, so now, in addition to questioning the longevity of your job, you probably have team members who are anxious about their jobs. And they expect you to have the answers. I am not immune to this. The future AI is creating is unclear, even for many of those at the forefront of the technology. I have my moments where I wonder whether AI will outpace me before I’m ready to retire. (I don’t think so, though I do think, like everyone, I will be called upon to look at the work differently.) I saw a quote from Dharmesh Shah (founder of HubSpot) that gave me pause. “What bigger problem could I be solving if AI handled the parts of my job I shouldn’t be doing anyway?” We are all being asked to lead in ways that feel new and therefore uncomfortable. And so in many ways, this is no different than Covid, the arrival of the internet, and other events that changed the way we work. We’re all navigating this new world without a map. The question is how do you find your way personally when the old routes don’t get you where you’re going?
You’ve Been Misdiagnosed
If you asked me for a report or some analysis, and I offered the data to you on a CD-ROM, you would most likely raise an eyebrow, and appropriately so. The technology is outdated and makes no sense in today’s digital and AI-forward world. So why are we still using outdated internal operating systems? People come into coaching usually having been given feedback about their leadership that they don’t know how to change: leadership presence, delegation, emotional regulation, etc. For instance, the leader who came in thinking her issue was delegation. But really, the thing that made her successful for so long – always being one step ahead and never asking for help – was now holding her back. That’s not a delegation problem. That’s a misdiagnosed identity problem running on an old O.S. I went on a treasure hunt and unearthed nearly 10 years’ worth of client data → intake forms, pre-call forms, post-call forms, coaching exit conversations, client texts, and emails. You know what I found? Of the hundreds of clients I’ve coached over thousands of hours, no one ever came to coaching with the correct “diagnosis” of what they really needed to change. They started coaching with the notion that the “problem” was external – the feedback, the team, their boss, the role, a skill gap, etc. When they finished coaching, they realized they had the answers all along, they just couldn’t see them yet. While the specific answers are different from person to person, the overarching theme is the same: their operating system needed an update. If this sounds familiar, where might you have misdiagnosed yourself?
Everyone Else Has it Figured Out
“I feel like everyone else has it all under control and I’m the one who’s failing.” This was from a client one day, and all I could think was, “Yeah, me too.” It’s not true, of course, but that’s how it can feel when everyone around us looks like they’re crushing it, and we feel like we are missing the boat entirely. I mean, if I’m completely transparent, I spent years feeling this way. And then reality hit me. I was judging how I felt internally by how others looked externally. That is a terrible barometer for success. Duh! This is a perfect example of the “Ye Olde Iceberg” analogy. We only see what’s above the waterline – people’s behaviors and results, what they choose to share with us. What we don’t see are the struggles, fears, insecurities, and mindsets that are holding them back. Remember that next time you start to beat yourself up.
If Everything is Important, Nothing is Important
When writing this, I was in a busy season of preparation as the opening (‼️) keynote at an HR conference on Breaking the Unwritten Rules: Keys to Sustainable Leadership. While I was head down prepping, I had to let some things slide. I didn’t have the bandwidth or brain capacity to focus on anything else besides the last-minute prep and client work. Some of the internal projects the team was working on had to wait too. And it’s ok! I made a conscious trade-off because I knew it was temporary. Because if everything is important, then nothing is important. Sometimes we need to cut ourselves some slack, let things go, or put them aside for a while. The trickier question is: what are you letting go of? Temporarily shelving an internal project is one thing. Habitually shelving yourself (your health, your relationships, your sleep) is another. I have a client who did the latter for years. It cost him his health, his happiness, and nearly cost him his marriage. In hindsight, he was able to see clearly what he couldn’t see when he was in the thick of it: he’d been abandoning himself, one small compromise at a time. It’s two ends of the same spectrum. Conscious trade-off, or slow self-erasure. Whether you’re in an organization or self-employed, there will always be times when work dominates. The question is, is it the exception or the norm? And if it’s not feeling balanced, what do you want to change?
Your ‘helping’ isn’t helping.
“I’m picking up a lot of the extra work because I feel bad asking my team to take it on.” The leader who said this genuinely thought she was helping and doing the right thing to protect her team from burnout. A place she had already arrived at and was well ensconced in. She’s not alone. Here are examples of client situations where people honestly and truly had the best intentions. All of these actions were taken with the best of intentions. On the surface, the motivations driving them may look different: competence, protection, guilt. But underneath, they all share the same root cause: a desire to control outcomes. Which, if we’re being honest (or kind to ourselves), is really just a form of self-protection. As a leader, you’re the ringmaster. Your job is to make sure the show goes according to plan. It’s not to jump in and perform everyone else’s acts. When we step in, we tell ourselves we’re “helping.” Sometimes this is true. Often, it’s not. For those of us afraid to fail 🙋🏻♀️ giving up control to someone else is hard, even if we’re not consciously thinking of it that way. When we hold too tightly to outcomes, we deny people the dignity to struggle, to learn, to build new skills – and the gift of failure (as scary as that can be for you and them!) But if you think back on your career… When did you learn the most? If you’re like me, probably the times when things didn’t go as planned. Like the times I face-planted, or had to try new approaches outside my comfort zone. (Ew!) I don’t think this is a moral failing on your part or mine. For most of us, it’s self-protection and hardwiring. If we weren’t taught otherwise, this becomes our default. I am a self-professed control freak and I am here to tell you, there’s an upside to giving up control. You take things off your plate. Have time for thinking and reflection. And others get a chance to stretch their wings and grow. Win-win. This week, when you find yourself wanting to ‘help’, try asking: do you need to vent, or do you actually need me to do something? The answer might surprise you.