See if you can relate to this:
You wrap up a presentation to the leadership team. Afterward, your manager pulls you aside and says:
“Overall, you did a great job. But I’d like to see you improve your executive presence before we meet with them again next month. Otherwise, you’re doing awesome. I’ve got to run to my next meeting, let’s catch up later.”
And, of course… “later” never comes.
If that kind of vague drive-by “feedback” leaves you scratching your head (and maybe spiraling a little), you’re not alone.
Despite decades of focus on “leadership development,” most of us are still pretty lousy when it comes to giving – and receiving – feedback.
So, what do you do when the feedback you get feels confusing, incomplete, or just not useful or helpful in any way?
I’ve got a few strategies for you. Comprehensive? Probably not. Helpful? Yup. 🙂
Remember: It’s a Data Point, Not Gospel
Feedback isn’t an absolute truth – it’s information. And sometimes, it needs context before its true value becomes clear. Ask yourself: Is there anything in here that could be useful? Even if it stings a little?
Call Out Your Reaction – (but use your “inside voice”)
Feedback can activate a threat response. (Fun fact: studies show that simply hearing the word “feedback” can trigger a cortisol spike.)
So, if you’re feeling defensive, annoyed, or panicked, know that’s pretty common and totally normal.
Naming what you’re feeling, “Oof, I feel embarrassed,” or “That felt unfair” – can help shift your brain from threat mode to a more objective, grounded place. Research from Lisa Feldman Barrett, a neuroscientist at Northeastern University, suggests getting as granular as possible with your descriptions. So, rather than “mad, happy, sad, or glad,” shoot for words that are more descriptive, say, “irate, elated, disappointed, or contented.” More here if you really want to geek out on all things brain.
Use the SCARF Model to Discern Your Reaction
Once you’ve named the emotion, see if you can pinpoint why it stung. Was it a hit to your status? Your sense of certainty? Your autonomy? Understanding which part of SCARF (Status, Certainty, Autonomy, Relatedness, Fairness) got activated can help depersonalize the reaction, and give you some breathing room.
Here’s a handy SCARF chart for you.
Get Curious, Not Combative
Think back to what you know about giving good feedback. Vague feedback isn’t helpful, so reverse-engineer it. Ask for specifics:
- “What did you see or hear that made the presentation ‘great’?”
- “Can you share what you noticed about my executive presence that needs improvement?”
- “How will you know when I’ve improved? What will that look or sound like?”
Push gently for behavioral clarity – specific actions or language that signal stronger performance. That’s the kind of feedback you can actually work with.
Buy Yourself Some Time
If the feedback catches you off guard, it’s okay to pause. Try one of these:
- “Thanks for the input. Here’s what I heard you say…”
- “Let me sit with that and come back with some thoughts.”
- “Can I circle back after I’ve had time to process it?”
You don’t need to have an immediate reaction to prove you’re coachable. You just need to stay open and engaged.
Flip the Lens
Last week, we talked about how to give better feedback. This week, I’m inviting you to notice how even the most well-intentioned feedback can land sideways.
So, if someone else needs time to process your input, give them grace. And if you need time to process theirs? Take it. It’s all part of leading with fluency.
And… I’m giving a keynote in a few weeks (shameless plug – hit reply if you’ll be at the ME HR Conference!) One of the core points I’ll be making is this: How you show up every day is a choice.
You may not be able to control what feedback you receive – or how it’s delivered – but you do get to choose how you take it in, make sense of it, and decide what to do with it.
Your turn:
What helps you navigate feedback that doesn’t quite land?
