Have you ever noticed how the more you dread something, the bigger it becomes?
I was coaching a client recently—let’s call her Keisha. She’s sharp, thoughtful, articulate, and a very strong practitioner. And yet, there’s one recurring meeting that turns her into a deer in headlights.
Every time she’s on the agenda, she freezes. She can’t find her words and feels anxiety take hold of her body. Then she beats herself up, ruminates about what could have been different, and tells herself she “should” be past this already.
She’s not alone. This has been showing up a lot in coaching conversations lately. One client struggles to advocate for himself. Another avoids hard conversations.
The situations are different, but the outcomes are similar: judgment, self-recrimination, harsh self-talk.
They all think the problem is the behavior – freezing, avoidance, not speaking up. But the real problem is the fight with the behavior. The belief that “This shouldn’t be happening.” Or “Why am I still dealing with this?”
Because… what you resist, persists.
What we focus on grows.
The things you try to push out of your brain stick around, grow bigger, and command more of your attention. The more we wrestle with something, like fear, self-doubt, or social awkwardness, the tighter its grip becomes.
When we uncovered this, Keisha opted for a new strategy. Instead of trying to fix it or push through, she started to recognize it in the moment, label it for what it was, and accept it. Instead of pushing it away.
You know what? When she got curious about it, it loosened its hold.
The same can be true for you. If you can meet the moment with self-awareness and compassion, instead of shame and control, it softens and loses its power.
And sometimes, the thing we’re resisting isn’t even the experience but what the experience reflects back to us. A part of ourselves we don’t like. A fear we thought we’d conquered. An old story we thought for sure we’d outgrown.
Those parts of you don’t go away just because you ignore them. They stick around until you’re willing to pop the hood and look inside.
So if you’re stuck in a similar and frustrating loop, pause and ask yourself: What’s actually holding me back?
You might find it’s not the behavior, it’s your resistance to it.
A lifetime ago, a therapist told me, “You can’t go around it. You have to go through it.”
Well, damn if that wasn’t the answer I didn’t want to hear.
And yet… It was true back then. And it’s still true today.
