“I’m picking up a lot of the extra work because I feel bad asking my team to take it on.”
The leader who said this genuinely thought she was helping and doing the right thing to protect her team from burnout. A place she had already arrived at and was well ensconced in. She’s not alone. Here are examples of client situations where people honestly and truly had the best intentions.
- The leader who had the connections and relationships so continually stepped out of his lane to fix others’ issues.
- The leader who was trying to shield someone from the crappy pieces of leadership, decided she’d do the termination meeting instead of the manager.
- The leader who took on work she used to do early in her career because she felt guilty asking her team to take on more.
All of these actions were taken with the best of intentions. On the surface, the motivations driving them may look different: competence, protection, guilt. But underneath, they all share the same root cause: a desire to control outcomes. Which, if we’re being honest (or kind to ourselves), is really just a form of self-protection.
As a leader, you’re the ringmaster. Your job is to make sure the show goes according to plan. It’s not to jump in and perform everyone else’s acts. When we step in, we tell ourselves we’re “helping.” Sometimes this is true. Often, it’s not.
For those of us afraid to fail 🙋🏻♀️ giving up control to someone else is hard, even if we’re not consciously thinking of it that way.
When we hold too tightly to outcomes, we deny people the dignity to struggle, to learn, to build new skills – and the gift of failure (as scary as that can be for you and them!)
But if you think back on your career… When did you learn the most? If you’re like me, probably the times when things didn’t go as planned. Like the times I face-planted, or had to try new approaches outside my comfort zone. (Ew!)
I don’t think this is a moral failing on your part or mine. For most of us, it’s self-protection and hardwiring. If we weren’t taught otherwise, this becomes our default. I am a self-professed control freak and I am here to tell you, there’s an upside to giving up control.
You take things off your plate. Have time for thinking and reflection. And others get a chance to stretch their wings and grow. Win-win.
This week, when you find yourself wanting to ‘help’, try asking: do you need to vent, or do you actually need me to do something? The answer might surprise you.
