“By giving ourselves unconditional kindness and comfort while embracing the human experience, difficult as it is, we avoid destructive patterns of fear, negativity, and isolation.” – Kristin Neff
I’ve been thinking a lot about self-compassion lately. (And yes, I know. Those two words can make most high-achievers itch.)
Kristin Neff, who’s spent years researching this, says that self-compassion isn’t about letting yourself off the hook. It’s about treating yourself with the same care and understanding you’d offer anyone else who’s struggling.
Simple, not easy.
Most leaders I know are fluent in accountability but are barely “conversational” when it comes to grace. They’ll stumble in a meeting and immediately launch into a full-blown internal performance review. No one else has to say a word.
That voice in your head, however, is not making you better. It’s just making you more tired.
Neff’s research shows that self-compassion actually increases resilience, motivation, and problem-solving. Which makes sense. When you stop beating yourself up, you free up energy for, well, anything useful.
In Leadership Fluency™ terms, this is the inner maintenance work: mindset, identity, values, wellbeing, and connection. Because how you talk to yourself and how you treat yourself directly affects how you show up for everyone else.
If you’re wondering how to do this, fear not! You don’t have to turn into a walking affirmation machine.
Start small.
- Notice the next time you don’t meet your own expectations.
- Catch the voice that wants to rush in.
- Then ask: Would I say that to my 10-year-old self?
- If not, try again, this time with a little less self-directed venom.
This isn’t a one-and-done skill. It’s more like brushing your teeth. Small, consistent action and oh so important.
And if you’re rolling your eyes right now, that’s fine. That’s just the overachiever in you trying to stay in control. (Hi, I see you.)
The courage to be kind to yourself is strategic. It’s what keeps you steady enough to do the rest of the hard work.
