“I wasn’t sleeping well leading up to the meeting because I was so nervous anticipating how he would respond.”
This sentiment was expressed by a client in a group I was facilitating. It was reinforced with lots of head nodding by others.
We were discussing how to present actionable information to the CEO. Bottom line, people were afraid to share information the CEO might not like or agree with.
The stress was a result of people feeling they had to anticipate all the questions that might be asked in the meeting, and then have all the answers.
Here’s the thing – in any situation, none of us are going to be able to predict 100% what someone else is going to think/say/do. I’m going out on a limb here to say, it’s just not humanly possible.
Take an interview, for example. Sure, we may have ideas as to the types of questions we’ll be asked, and know that we’ll need to speak to our experiences and accomplishments. We are not going to be able to divine the exact questions in advance. Ain’t gonna happen.
So, back to the CEO scenario. This type of situation comes up regularly in coaching discussions. People are stressed out about presenting to a board, delivering poor performance reviews and everything in between. When I ask what success looks like in those conversations, the answers are almost always statements such as:
- “I want them to respect me.”
- “I don’t want them to get angry and lash out.”
- “I want them to hear what I have to say.”
- “I want them to agree with my strategy.”
Do you see the challenge with those barometers? They are all focused on the person or people receiving the information.
Really this is about external validation. It suggests that the way for you to feel good about yourself is based on someone else’s response.
This is a fool’s errand. And at the end of the day, we have zero control over other people and what they think/say/do.
A better barometer is to focus on internal validation. That is a gift you give to yourself.
- Do you feel good about your presentation?
- Are you happy with how you articulated your value and experience to the interviewer?
- Are you pleased with how you responded to difficult questions about the initiative you proposed?
Receiving praise and being well thought of feels good. And it is also good for your leadership brand, so I’m not suggesting you dismiss it out of hand.
What I am suggesting, however, is that taking action aligned with your values and vision of leadership is more important than accolades from others. Even if the outcome is not what you hoped for.
Taking action in service of yourself and your goals is more important than someone else’s response.
This is how we grow.
And because I love a good caveat… I’m not proposing that you ditch the meeting prep. It’s helpful to consider your audience, anticipate their vantage point and needs, and reflect on how you want to show up.
I am advocating for you to reevaluate what success looks like in any given situation and how you’re going to measure it.
If your only criteria for success lies solely in the hands of someone else’s response or opinion of you, it might be time to rethink.
